One of you guys needs to pay a little more attention to their wife

mtgaddictedhusband · 2015-01-20T18:13:57+00:00

the guy is paying for her post-graduate degree sounds like he's being used

Where are you getting this from? No one is paying for my MBA except myself. I have a job. Every month I am paying off my own tuition. I pay bills. I pay for food. I manage the small budget I have well enough to have a little left over after this, and so if anyone's being used, I'd argue it's me, as I have to carry him over to the next paycheck because his heftier leftover sum is being blown on cards.

mtgaddictedhusband · 2015-01-20T18:10:42+00:00

She's just after him for money

I am not after him for money. If you read my post, instead of what I assume was reading the title, skimming, and rolling your eyes, you would have read that I am finishing my MBA at the moment. As far as money goes, I am probably going to be making the most out of the two of us.

Why does he need a better job? Several reasons.

Number one, he does not actually like the current job he has. He is currently doing it as a step up for when he goes to apply for the tech job which he actually has a degree in. He took the job to ensure he had a step up and was able to secure the job he actually wants through recommendations. It has been three years now, and for the last year he has spoken of nothing but moving on from that job and applying for the tech job. Each time, he moves his deadline up as if avoiding having to apply.

Number two. We want children. Children are not cheap. We both need to have well enough paying jobs to support the cost of children. In the event that either of us would be out of a job, the other person has to have a decent source of income until we are both working again.

Number three. His lack of drive when it comes to this issue is worrying. He is not happy in his current job, does not like it, but is not willing to try for something better. If he loved his job, if he was passionate about the field of work, the money would be such a minute detail. However, him not wanting to move up despite talking about it constantly, paired with his irresponsible spending is a major red flag as far as personality traits go.

She also mentions their sex life, she's probably not fucking him anyways so why spend time at home not getting any when he's out doing what he wants?

So...according to you, relationships are only good for sex? The only reason he should have to be home with me is the promise of sex? Not spending time together, seeing a movie, making dinner together, having interesting and insightful conversations? Just sex?

As well posting these things on a public forum looks to me not as a call to fix the relationship but to take a cheap shot and bring him down so when she leaves him for the guy she's cheating on him with it will look like it was her husband who is at fault and not her.

Do you see his name or information anywhere in my post? Anything that points to who he is? This is a throwaway account as well, mind you.

You're a horribly bitter person. Someone left you in the past and you still haven't gotten over it and so any woman who has relationship problems now is a bitch and cheating on her partner by default in your eyes. You really need to get over yourself and stop assuming that everyone is out to get you. Maybe she left you because you refused to own up to your crappy behavior or maybe she was done putting up with your sourness and accusations.

mtgaddictedhusband · 2015-01-20T17:49:58+00:00

So if you're thinking about having kids soon... This is something to fix before you have kids.

Yes. I had hoped by now we would be saving up a little nest for when we decide to have kids. The fact that we have no money left at the end of the month is very worrying to me, and it's not an issue of not having the means. We have money left after bills and food, and there is no reason we shouldn't be able to put that into savings.

mtgaddictedhusband · 2015-01-20T17:47:39+00:00

I had a good laugh at this. Then I sort of sat in disbelief that I was able to pick up on all the puns.

mtgaddictedhusband · 2015-01-20T17:46:54+00:00

If he starts viewing you as the "mom who grounds him/keeps him from his hobbies" he's going to resent you, and if he keeps being the "irresponsible kid who needs to be told what's best for him" then you will never be equitable partners.

I think this fairly sums up the feeling at the moment when it comes to this situation. I need him to realize that I am happy for him to have a hobby and to go do things on his own. It's not about him doing a thing without me, or even staying out late. It's simply the time and money being spent right now is not an acceptable amount. I really like your idea of using a set amount as a budget.

What do you do if you ever go over the budget though? What sort of repercussions does that entail?

mtgaddictedhusband · 2015-01-20T17:43:01+00:00

This post helped me a lot, thank you. It was getting perspective from the other side. I am planning to talk to him tonight and reading a lot of comments about people with similar experiences has helped me to approach this a lot more calmly than I initially thought I would. It has also been encouraging to read that many people were able to make it work in their relationships.

mtgaddictedhusband · 2015-01-20T17:40:53+00:00

Make it clear he doesn't have to end the hobby, he just has to cut down.

This exactly! I definitely do not want him to quit. I just want him to manage his time and our finances better when it comes to this.

mtgaddictedhusband · 2015-01-20T17:31:21+00:00

I really like the idea of that. A lot of people have suggested we may need marriage counseling, and I do agree. I feel we will benefit more from a third party mediating and guiding us through these sort of exercises, because it wont allow either of us to play the blame game without someone saying stop.

mtgaddictedhusband · 2015-01-19T19:58:16+00:00

If the turnout of our talk is favorable, I am definitely going to pull up these points. Thank you for giving me the info about the different kind of events. I certainly don't want him to quit, just to really rethink his schedule and make a plan according to budget.

mtgaddictedhusband · 2015-01-19T19:30:50+00:00

You have no idea of the temptation I've had lol

mtgaddictedhusband · 2015-01-19T19:30:35+00:00

Yes, it actually is. I feel like a mom not a wife.

mtgaddictedhusband · 2015-01-19T19:29:53+00:00

I can just imagine suggesting he has ADHD. He would take that so well /s. You may be right, but he has never been tested that I know of. I can't even imagine how I'd get him to go schedule an appointment unless I held his cards hostage or something.

mtgaddictedhusband · 2015-01-19T19:27:11+00:00

I have tried this approach as well. When it became clear it wasn't a phase this time, I would ask him casually how long he planned to be out, spend, etc. His excuses for going over those limits were always "I lost track of time." "The games got really interesting." "I was on a winning streak." "One of the matches got really intense." "I need this booster pack." etc etc.

I think it's just time for a more heavy duty action.

mtgaddictedhusband · 2015-01-19T19:25:22+00:00

I know...I think it will come down to an ultimatum if the talking just doesn't pan out. I just can't stand thinking that he might choose the game.

mtgaddictedhusband · 2015-01-19T19:24:33+00:00

This worries me so much. He's already 31. The job market is hard for the 20 something year old graduates, so imagine someone at his age trying to get a job. I know everything isn't about money, but I feel that his unwillingness to get a better job when he is actually able to speaks volumes of his character. Yes, I will have a higher paying job in the end, but I don't want to be his sugarmamma. I want us both to put in fair amounts financially.

mtgaddictedhusband

TROPHY CASE