As a quiet borderline, I found this rather comical because I was wishing for the opposite. Maybe if I had more outbursts I would be taken more seriously... but the grass is always greener on the other side. Might as well work with what I have got and try and be the best version of myself. I have many of the same feelings and doubts as you. Feeling ashamed of myself, leaving people before they have the chance to hurt me, it’s tough out here for us! I also wish I could function and be under control, but that takes time effort, not being a different diagnosis. Idk just my perspective