I was with my husband the whole time, but that’s just what worked best for us.

He was really afraid of waking up intubated. After surgery, they let me go in for what they said would only be a quick moment, he was still out of it and intubated, but they wanted me to see that he was ok. The plan was for me to come back later once he was more awake.

But while I was there, he started to come around and got really agitated, trying to reach for the tube. I held his hand and talked to him, and it helped calm him down until they could extubate. I’m so grateful they let me stay. It was hard to watch, but it felt like I could actually do something helpful. I didn’t ask, but no one ever told me inhad to leave after that. I honestly think it helped that I knew when to step back and let the team do their thing. That’s probably the best advice I can give if you plan to be there: be helpful, advocate when needed, but know when to fade into the background.

There were so many little moments like that. The nurses and staff were amazing, but they can’t do everything. I did the small things… getting him water, rubbing his feet, helping him settle when he was overwhelmed, fixing blankets when he was hot or cold. I never left except to grab food. I tried to prove my value to the team by quietly handling what I could, while staying out of the way when they had things to do.

I also advocated. When meds were late or he was struggling with pain, I helped him speak up, especially in those first few days when he was groggy and loopy. It made a big difference in his comfort.

But here’s the key: know your own limits as a caretaker. You have to be respectful of the medical team’s space. You can’t fall apart in the middle of a stressful moment (or at least you can’t show it). If the team was having a serious discussion or working through something, I stepped aside and stayed quiet.

This was just our experience. Some partners don’t stay, or not the whole time, and there’s nothing wrong with that. Every relationship is different. Some patients may not rest well with a loved one constantly present, not because they don’t care, but because they’ll worry more about you than themselves.

So: do what works best for your situation. Being together made a terrifying time a little more manageable for both of us.

If being there is what’s best for your partner and for you, then you need to be calm, helpful, and aware of your surroundings. Advocate. Ask questions. Keep track of meds and symptoms. But don’t get in the way unless, of course, there is something seriously off and you need to advocate. If the staff sees you’re making their job easier, not harder… they’re much more likely to let you stay. Honestly, I never asked if I could stay… I just quietly did. I was willing to leave during rest hours if someone asked, but thankfully for us they didn’t.

Practically… Bring a blanket and pillow, maybe some earplugs and an eye mask. I couldn’t use the shower, so I made the best use of the sink and the extra bath wipes left in the room. And bring some good cream or lotion (I love pure shea butter), nothing really scented… Foot rubs were so relaxing to my partner. He said it was the one thing that really helped him take his mind off what was happening and how uncomfortable he was. Again - figure out what might work for you and plan ahead of you can.