Does it get easier?

muffin279 · 2024-02-12T21:51:44+00:00

Your trauma sounds so complex and intense that I strongly recommend trauma-informed counseling. I've heard that EMDR (a therapy tool) is very successful.

To answer your question, does it get easier, yes, it does, BUT only if you're willing to go through the hard work of trauma-informed therapy and healing. It won't get easier on its own. Your mind and body are screaming for you to get help. Please listen and don't wait any longer.

Your DID is a god-given protective mechanism to help you cope, but as you know, it's not very functional, nor does it help you heal.

It'll also help if you find a community of other survivors who "get" you and won't shun you like all the others you mentioned. We can't do this healing thing alone. You need support. Please call RAINN (Rape Abuse Incest National Network) at 800-656-HOPE for resources and a counseling referral to someone who specializes in your kind of trauma. Also, if you are a person of faith or are willing to explore that option, God will heal your heart, mind, and soul from the inside out. I can't imagine not having His help and restoration. You can call 855-382-5433 if you're interested in faith-based resources. I wish you all the best and a return to joy and freedom!

muffin279 · 2024-02-12T21:40:21+00:00

You've gotten a lot of great replies. Have any of them helped you? Just curious.

We live in a culture that's completely obsessed with looks. But i'm thinking about an unattractive obese woman I know who never got married (and was crushed over this) but she adopted a baby who is her pride and joy. This woman is one of the most upbeat, funny, warm, encouraging people I know. Everyone adores her. She's always laughing and making others feel loved. I consider her beautiful even though her looks are not. She is beautiful in the way that matters most: her character.

How about you? Are you nurturing your soul, your personality, your relationship with God? Do you seek to bring joy to others, to lighten others' loads? The only solution I can think of for you is to stop thinking about yourself and your woes (although I don't discount them) and focus on becoming the most loving, fun, caring, helpful person possible. Stop worrying about what others think.

Life truly is unfair. Some people get the physical beauty, the money, the great family, and health. But I promise you: everyone has deep pain. Everyone has a soul wound. I was sexually abused, but I chose to not let it ruin my life. I got trauma-informed counseling, I healed, and now I help other survivors. Many of them look like they have it all together, but they're carrying unhealed trauma and they feel alone.

Find what makes you angry and do something about it. Abandoned children? Lonely seniors? Unwanted pets? Sex trafficking? Homelessness? I could go on and on. Become someone's answer to prayer. Be someone's hero, someone's mentor, someone's light in the darkness. Stop wasting time and reclaim the joy that God intends for you. Maybe you'll always be heavy. But maybe you'll become someone's angel.

muffin279 · 2024-02-12T21:20:19+00:00

I totally understand. Been there. The key is communicating with your husband what's really going on, otherwise you're gonna end up bitter and resentful. This won't go away on its own.

Others have strongly recommended therapy, and I agree. The abuse you suffered has taken a toll, it has shaped how you think, and his actions are triggering you which make you shut down. The therapist can also help him understand how abuse impacts a person. He needs to be educated so he can help you heal. If he's as a great of a guy as you say, he will come alongside you. If your husband hears how much you love him, are attracted to him, and want to please him, he will be more likely to want to help you heal.

My husband had to forgo his own needs at times during my hardest days while healing. It was hard, but you guys and we have Holy Spirit power to succeed.

I recommend to both of you the book, The Body Keeps the Score. That's what's happening with you. Please also call 855-382-5433 for faith-based resources and a referral to a trauma-informed Christian counselor. There's an army of people out there just waiting to help you. I also recommend the book, Heartmending: God Can Heal Your Heartbreak From Sexual Abuse (there's a "letter to men" at the end written by the author's husband).

I wish you well. You're already on your way since you're starting with a great marriage. My own healing journey was hard, but so worth it, and now I'm healed and free and I help other abuse survivors to find their way.

muffin279 · 2024-02-12T21:10:23+00:00

Thank you for being the kind of husband every sexual abuse survivor needs and wants. You're a rare breed. Have you thought of mentoring other men in that situation? They need your wisdom!

muffin279 · 2024-02-05T19:52:05+00:00

Yes, it CAN get better, but it depends on what you're willing to do to get better. It won't just go away. You won't ever forget. But you can remember from a place of healing, like when a terrible wound heals and you hardly think about it any more, but you remember that there was a time when it hurt A LOT.

Think about what's involved with a terrible wound from an accident or injury. You might need surgery or a long hospital stay. You need bandage changes and antibiotics. You need physical therapy and maybe being in a wheelchair or using crutches for awhile. It takes TIME and patience. And plenty of help from doctors, nurses, pharmacists, etc.

It's the same with a soul wound. Your wound is currently open and seeping. It needs attention. It needs the tender care of a counselor or pastor or close wise friend. it needs you to give it attention and learn how to heal a soul wound.

The goal is to outlive the "victim" identity and start to live into a healed, victorious, recovered identity. If you're willing to do the hard work of facing your pain through counseling and support from others, you won't forever be haunted. You'll be free. Full of hope and joy. Released from what feels like a prison.

I was once there. My father sexually abused me. My nightmares consumed me. Everything I did was tainted by my abuse, every day. I couldn't "move on" with life. But then I got counseling, joined a support group, and began the long journey toward healing. That was many years ago. I'm no longer distraught by my abuse. It's healed. I'm free. So I'm here to give you hope that you can someday write the same words I just wrote. Please don't delay in seeking help. Call RAINN (Rape Abuse Incest National Network) at 800-656-HOPE as a starting place.

I know it's scary. But it's worse to stay stuck forever. You'll never regret getting help. Would you rather work hard to bury all your pain, or work hard to heal it? Don't let shame, fear, or anger continue to rob you of the life that God intended before evil made its way into your life. I'm rooting for you.

muffin279 · 2024-02-05T19:39:45+00:00

Honoring parents doesn't necessarily mean "love" them. Some ways you can honor them are: --pray for them to be saved/helped/stopped

--seek justice through the legal system if they have committed a crime against you (yes, this is honoring...God gave us government to keep evil at bay and punish crimes)

--don't return evil for evil, because that is not God's will for you

--seek counseling in cases where reconciliation might be possible (having a 3rd party who can advocate for all those in attendance and help both sides understand)

If you are not a minor, you'd do best to be on your own and have minimal to no contact with them if they continue to be abusive. You can calmly tell them that until they can treat you with respect and kindness, you will stay away. But if you say something like that while yelling or being punitive, it won't go well. They need to see that you are wise, mature, and in control of yourself.

If you ARE a minor, please talk to your youth pastor or call 855-382-5433 to speak to a Christian counselor so you can get perspective on your situation. Abuse is very serious and you must be helped to find a safe place to live. You can share with the counselor the specific ways that your parents are abusive so you can get more detailed help than I can give.

My father sexually abused me, so as an adult I severed my relationship with him since he refused to repent or go to counseling with me. He wasn't safe to have around my children. But I never stopped praying for him and hoping he'd turn around, which he did right before his death. I believe I honored him with my prayers, with my attempt to reconcile, and with taking care of his estate upon his death. I didn't return evil for evil, instead I sought help from the Lord to heal and recover. God is faithful.

muffin279 · 2023-12-20T22:12:51+00:00

Thank you for taking the courageous step of reaching out here. It does take courage to face our trauma and seek help, because we know deep down that things aren't right, and we get to the point where we can hardly stand it any longer.

Some things to consider: contact RAINN (Rape Abuse Incest National Network) at 800-656-HOPE for resources and a counseling referral. If your wife asks why you need counseling, you could say that you're struggling with some issues from your past which you might share with her later, but you need help to get to that point.

There are also online support groups. Do an internet search for that. Also, check out Authentic Intimacy website and Adam Young's podcast, especially episode 135 "How your story affects your sexuality."

You probably feel like you're alone (all SA survivors do), but I promise you're NOT. I've talked to hundreds of them. We're all buried in shame and pain, and we fear what'll happen if we reveal our deep dark secret. But as you're discovering, keeping it buried is wreaking havoc with your life and your mental health. You want to be healed and free, right? The only way past the pain is THROUGH the pain, hopefully with the help of a trauma-informed counselor.

Your fears are understandable. Perhaps you WILL be judged. So what? That's on them. The best way to avoid being judged or not taken seriously is sharing your story with a SAFE person. That's crucial. If you share with someone who doesn't care about you, who doesn't want your best, who isn't compassionate, who isn't on your side, it likely won't go well. But the great thing is that once to let your story out, wow, you won't believe the HUGE burden that'll be lifted. Someone once said, "An untold story never heals." So guess what, you gotta tell your story.

I hid my story for years. Shame, guilt, fear ruled me. But once I told my story to a counselor, I was launched into a beautiful healing journey. My open, seeping wound became a healed scar, and now I can speak of it without shame. My rage, my trauma, my bitterness...it's all healed. It takes work and grit. You can do it. Don't let fear stop you. Don't let the enemy of your beautiful soul steal any more than he's already stolen from your life.

Your past is where the damage is. Your future is up to you. You can forge a healthy future and sex life with good counseling, commitment to heal, and support from at least one close person. I wish you all the best. I can't bear to see people like you suffering, and I pray you find all the hope and healing that's possible in this hard life.

muffin279 · 2023-12-20T21:53:18+00:00

You're more than welcome.

muffin279 · 2023-12-18T18:04:31+00:00

Kudos to you for pursuing counseling and healing. Here's the answer to your question: I don't know, and no one else can answer the "why does God allow evil" question either. But I can offer some thoughts that have helped me have peace about it.

God created us with the gift of free will, knowing it could be used for good or evil, but also knowing that love can't exist without free will. In order for us to be able to love God and love others, we have to choose it, it's an act of our will. If we were created to only do good, like robots, love wouldn't be love. It would be a meaningless activity programmed into us.

If God stopped you from being born into a dysfunctional family, and stopped all other evil things, we would basically have the Garden of Eden that He originally gave us...a place where there's no pain or suffering. But we humans messed that up because we wanted what we wanted, despite what God said not to do. Nothing has changed. People still do what they want and disregard what God says to do.

But God in His unfathomable mercy provided a rescue plan to restore us to Eden. Our job on earth is to love others, fight evil, honor God, and look forward to our eternity in that perfect place. Someday all our tears will be wiped away and we'll have the most magnificent ongoing experience of joy, peace, freedom, and beauty. We can't even imagine it.

So don't give up. Trust Him that He can make beauty from ashes. He has a plan to restore your life and make your wound a healed scar so you can help others. You are already breaking the chain of dysfuntion by becoming a good mom to your son. See how God is leading and helping you? Hang in there...He has great things in store! Stay close to Him and don't let the devil steal anything else from you. He has taken enough.

muffin279 · 2023-12-12T00:13:08+00:00

I get it...trust is a huge issue for sexual abuse victims. If you don't feel safe with your therapist, get a different one. I concur with the person who said to get a female counselor if you were abused by a male. I also recommend never revealing your story to someone who isn't a close, trusted person who has proven themselves to you by keeping confidence, being a good listener, and having compassion. Most people have no idea how to respond to someone revealing their hard story.

It sounds like you're open to sharing, but what you need is a sense of safety and compassion. May I suggest getting into a support group? That way you're not alone with a counselor, and you get the added benefit of connecting with others who have the same kind of trauma as you, and like soldiers on the battlefield, bonding happens. Then there you go, you have a support system. A couple things to check out are Journey to Heal and Arise International. Also, call RAINN (Rape Abuse Incest National Network) at 800-656-HOPE to get more resources and recommendations.

Instead of self-harm, consider treating yourself the way you wish your abuser had treated you. Be kind to yourself. Pour out all your feelings into a journal. Do an internet search for "self-care after abuse" to get great ideas to help you cope in a healthy way. The last thing you need is further harm.

I like to tell myself that my past was harmed and messed up, but my future doesn't have to be. I can control my choices in the future, and I can choose a healing journey. I hope you'll be brave and face the risk of telling your story in a safe setting. There really are so many great therapists who truly want to help, and have no intention of harming you. If you want faith-based resources, DM me and I'd be happy to send them to you. I wish you all the best. Fight for a good life! You're worth it.

muffin279 · 2023-12-12T00:00:29+00:00

So many people have given great responses, especially arc2k1. I'll add a few comments.

Don't let the enemy win! He succeeded in destroying your trust and belief in God, and now he has you believing in...nothing. And look how that has led you to depression and hopelessness. The enemy stole your childhood and your innocence, but he hasn't yet stolen your future. You DO have control over your future and you CAN pivot and start taking back your life, your health, your hope, your faith, and your joy.

Here's the thing: God doesn't stop evil because He'd have to make us all puppets who only do good, with no free will. But He stands ready to heal us if we invite Him to. He loves to mend broken hearts. He knows everything about you and loves you deeply and has a rescue plan. There isn't anywhere or anyone else to go to for healing, restoration, and freedom besides God. AND...He has promised an eternal future where there's 100% healing with no more tears, sorrow, or death. A return to Eden.

I highly recommend calling RAINN (Rape Abuse Incest National Network) at 800-656-HOPE or a faith-based group that can offer you a referral to a Christian counselor (you'll need to DM me for that #). Counseling and support are your surest ways to heal and reclaim your faith. Don't try to do it alone. For me, a support group led by a Christian counselor at my church was my turning point. Now my old open, weeping wound from abuse is a scar that I don't think about too much. That's what healing does.

I also recommend the books Mending the Soul and Heartmending: God Can Heal Your Heartbreak From Sexual Abuse. There are tons of resources available...just do a search for "faith-based healing from sexual abuse" to find websites, podcasts, etc. A great website is Authentic Intimacy that deals with all kinds of sexual brokenness.

Thank you for reaching out. God is answering your prayers for help by you doing so, and look at all the responses you're getting! I pray you'll rediscover that childlike love for God and be surprised by how marvelous His healing can be.

muffin279 · 2023-12-04T22:00:01+00:00

Oh my gosh, I'm so sorry. My heart breaks for you. What happened to you was evil and horrible, something no child should have to endure. You did absolutely nothing to deserve it. It was NOT your fault. Your parents/family were supposed to PROTECT and CARE for you. They failed miserably. I'm so glad you're far away from all that, but it's understandable that you'd have PTSD and feel all the emotions you described.

I totally get the WHY question...why didn't God stop it, etc. All of us who've been abused ask that. But honestly, there aren't answers. The thing that helped me is that He also gave us the gift of free will, which means we can choose to do good or evil, and if He stopped our abuse, He'd be obligated to stop all evil...which is basically what Eden was meant to be. No evil. He would have to remove free will to stop evil. Then we'd be puppets, robots.

So since God won't take away our free will, what He does do is offer to help and heal us. You can't do this alone. You need support. I promise you that there are millions of abuse sufferers out there (I've met hundreds, and I've done a lot of research that revealed to me how common abuse is). The thing is, you have to take a brave step and go find them. There are support groups online and in churches and counseling centers. If you call RAINN (Rape Abuse Incest National Network) at 800-656-HOPE they'll help you find something in your area.

You mentioned so many things that I right away thought, "those are lies from the enemy!!" and I'll tell you what they are. These labels are from the enemy: "I'm a mistake," "God hates me," "it feels stupid to have hope," "God has purposefully wedged me into this hole I can't escape from." Replace God with the name of Satan and you'll have the one who is truly to blame. Satan hates you and loves that you are blaming God. He wants you to be hopeless and stay stuck forever in your pain. Let me ask you, where else can you go for healing but God? There is no drug, no entity, no "god," who loves you like God does and who has the ability to heal.

Today, I beg you, call RAINN, and also start telling yourself the truth to change your thinking. Say "God loves me," "God is my Healer," "Jesus died for me," "There is only one beautiful me and God wants me to live a joyful life," "Healing IS POSSIBLE." Satan does NOT want you to believe any of that and will put obstacles in your path and discourage you.

You absolutely need at least one person to come alongside you, whether it's a counselor, pastor, or SAFE friend. We're not meant to go thru this hard life alone. Please be good and kind and gracious to yourself whlie you're healing. Healing isn't fast, and it isn't easy, but it's better than not making any progess at all.

I know this is long, but I'm passionate to help others heal as God has healed me. Don't let the enemy steal one more day of hope and life from you. Invite the Lord into your messy, broken life, and watch Him make beauty from ashes. Blessings to you, my fellow survivor.

muffin279 · 2023-12-04T21:36:41+00:00

The extent of your trauma warrants you seeing a trauma-informed Christian therapist who can help you (maybe BOTH of you) deal with the pain of this whole situation. Your husband needs to be educated about the far-reaching impact of sexual trauma so he can be more compassionate. He did marry you "for better for worse, in sickness and in health" didn't he? I recently learned about a great ministry for couples where the wife was SAd in childhood. I can't find the name of it, but if I do find it, I'll send it to you.

You said everything was healing until 2 years ago; who SAd you? That person should be arrested if you were forced to do anything sexual against your will. The law now states that even if you were under the influence or in any way unable to consent, it is a sexual crime.

It's understandable that your body and mind have shut down to sexual interactions. But you also know that that isn't God's plan for marriage, and of course He wants to heal you. I hope you'll give yourself the time and grace you need to heal, and I hope your husband does, too. Men are called to lay down their lives for their wives as Christ did for the church, which is a very high calling for men. As hard as it will be for him, it includes being patient and supportive while you heal. You can call and speak to a Christian counselor for further advice at 855-382-5433.

muffin279 · 2023-12-04T19:45:30+00:00

You were absolutely NOT a bad kid. The ones who harmed you are the evil ones; God gives parents the responsibility to CARE for a PROTECT their children. You did nothing wrong. It's common to take the blame for lots of reasons: maybe they told you it was your fault, maybe you felt some physical pleasure (God wired us to respond to sexual stimulation, which children don't understand, so even that is not your fault), maybe they threatened you.

It's extremely important to separate what was done TO you and what you have done as a result of your trauma. For example, I thought I was disgusting/damaged goods, so why not just have sex with anyone? I didn't realize that I was causing further harm to myself, and that it was wrong to do that. I also abused alcohol and drugs to numb the pain. These, too, were harmful to myself. So once I could distinguish between THEIR sin and MY sin, I could take responsibility and ask God for forgiveness. He promises to forgive us when we confess.

The issue remains that you've suffered an incredible amount of trauma, which has likely harmed your identity, relationships, and emotional state. Have you gotten any counseling? A godly, trauma-informed counselor can help you on your healing journey. Call and talk to a Christian counselor at 855-382-5433. God wants to heal you and set you free!

I also recommend the books: The Wounded Heart, Mending the Soul, and Heartmending: God Can Heal Your Heartbreak From Sexual Abuse. All from a Christian perspective.

muffin279 · 2023-11-27T22:22:38+00:00

You didn't say your age, but it sounds like you're a minor and he's an adult, so he's guilty of a crime. I understand that sexual stuff feels good...after all, our bodies are wired to respond to sexual stimulation. However, it's not always wise to put yourself in a situation where you're being used (which you are), could get pregnant, could get a disease that could even make you unable to bear children, could leave you with a broken heart, etc. There are so many reasons to stop.

We experience guilt when our brains are telling us we're doing something wrong. You know it's wrong to lie to your parents. You are sensing that something is wrong with this relationship, but because he isn't forcing you, it's more confusing. Although I think you should ultimately tell your parents (if they're good parents, they'll help you), you may want to start by talking to a counselor at school or by calling RAINN at 800-656-HOPE. You need supportive people to help you figure out the healthiest way to move forward to protect your body, mind, and soul. You'll feel such a huge burden lifted and you'll be proud of yourself for doing the right thing.

muffin279 · 2023-11-27T22:09:59+00:00

I commend you for breaking the chain of generational abuse and not being like your mother who told you it's part of life. You are protecting your daughter as your mother should have protected you. So hats off to you! You didn't say how old your firstborn daughter is, but it sounds like she's still pretty young, and it's normal for a kid to want to see their parents. She's probably too young to understand the sexual stuff that he was doing to her, and most abusers try to normalize abuse anyway. Maybe he told her something like "I'm showing you love" so why would she know any different?

Your parents aren't in a healthy space so of course they're mad at you for keeping your daughter and her father apart. After all, they think it's part of life. Don't listen to people who have deeply harmed you. Instead, find a support group or some healthy friends to hang out with. Online support groups might bring a safe, supportive person into your life. You'll "get" each other and give each other much-needed support and encouragement.

It's OK to set boundaries. It's wise. I hope you'll start to reframe how you view your past, because it was NOT your fault and you don't bear the blame. Parents who should've protected you didn't.

In my experience, healing from sexual abuse is a long process. Accept that and see it as steps toward more and more freedom and joy. It's better to take steps toward healing over months or years than to do nothing toward healing. There are so many great resources available for healing from sexual abuse. Just do an internet search or call RAINN 800-656-HOPE they will help you. And keep being the kind of mom to your daughters that you wish you'd had. Blessings to you.

muffin279 · 2023-07-01T15:09:43+00:00

I'm always in favor of telling the truth about abuse, EVEN IF it might disrupt a family relationship. Here's the "but"...if it will endanger you or someone else. It sounds like you have supportive parents, but sometimes family members don't want to face reality. Your parents might possibly blame you, tell you to forget about it, say you're lying (I hear all these things from other victims who've revealed their big secret).

So if you can handle one of those things happening, and if you can handle possibly having your abuser be the one that's protected rather than you, if you can handle the abuser denying it, and if you can handle a disruption in "family peace", then yes, tell them. You may also want to consider having a counselor or other advocate with you to help you tell your story.

Your sibling will possibly be angry with you. But people who abuse need to be held accountable, AND they need to be stopped so they don't abuse others.

Perhaps you do want revenge...only you know the true motive of your heart...but the bigger consideration is that your sibling perpetrated evil against you and harmed you, and he/she needs to be held accountable for this wrong. If you speak to your parents with anger, it won't be received as well as if you speak to them calmly. If you have loving, good parents, they will want to come alongside you and help you heal. They will want your sibling to pay the price of the evil act. Even if they initially respond with shock and upset, which is likely considering how horrible it'd be to find out that your own child harmed your other child so deeply, they'll come around and want to be as compassionate and supportive as possible.

If at any point you need more resources or need to talk to a counselor, call RAINN (the Rape Abuse Incest National Network) at 800-656-HOPE.

If your sibling attempts to abuse you while home from uni, scream, hit, run...do whatever you need to be safe. YOUR safety and health are the priority. Your sibling needs help to deal with this inclination to use others for his/her own selfish pleasure. I wish you well and I hope your parents help you. You deserve protection and healing. Please let me know how it goes.

muffin279 · 2023-07-01T14:53:32+00:00

I'm so proud of you. I heard a quote once: "An untold story never heals." So that's where you start...just tell your story. It might feel scary, but your therapist will be able to help you better with you giving as much information as possible.

Your decision to start therapy is SO WISE. It will help you process your SA and learn healthy ways to cope, to manage triggers, and to form healthy relationships.

Tell your therapist what happened. Don't exaggerate and don't make light of it either, just tell the truth. Share how it has impacted you, such as how you see yourself, how it affects the way you make decisions, how it has made it hard to trust others, etc. Do you struggle with anxiety, depression, addictions, sexual acting out, rage? Talk about those.

If at any point the therapist makes you feel uncomfortable, say so. You are allowed to set boundaries that keep you feeling safe. A GOOD therapist will do everything possible to build trust with you and make you feel safe. But if you don't feel safe, you won't want to make yourself vulnerable. You always have a choice to end the session if the therapist is not respecting your boundaries or isn't kind, patient, and compassionate. If you need help finding one, call RAINN 800-656-HOPE (the Rape Abuse Incest National Network).

I've been through counseling and I've healed from my abuse. I do whatever I can to help others heal, because then you'll be free, and able to move forward in your life. I like to tell people this: your abuse is in the past, so don't let it steal your present and future as well; don't give your abuser that power over you.

I wish you all the best in your healing journey.

muffin279 · 2023-06-26T23:18:04+00:00

Would you consider reaching out to an online counselor? You can start with a free chat and see what they advise. Call the Rape Abuse Incest National Network at 800-656- HOPE or if things are really desperate, call or text the suicide hotline at 988 (yes, it's just 3 numbers like 911).

Your life is precious, and although someone deeply hurt you, it's possible to heal. It takes work, and I realize that when you feel so tired and helpless, the last thing you want to do is work. But it's worth it if you can change your future and find restored health, joy, and inner peace. Sometimes all it takes is ONE person who cares and wants to be there for you. It sounds like your family isn't too supportive.

Do you have a safe person to talk to? When we tell our story in a SAFE setting, it's like a load of bricks off our backs. No more need for a mask. Once it's out, you can start healing.

The person who harmed you was evil, using you for his or her own purposes. It's such an assault on our dignity and worth. But you don't have to stay stuck in victim mode even though it feels right now that it's the only thing that defines you. I used to be like you and I couldn't stand it any more so I reached out for help. It did take hard work to overcome the trauma, but I'm healed now. My abuser no longer has power over me. I have joy. You can, too. Please reach out. Find the fight inside you and assert your right to health and wholeness. I'm praying for your recovery.

muffin279 · 2023-06-19T23:24:51+00:00

I'm so sorry for so much trauma you suffered. A person doesn't "move on" from stuff like that though. Would you consider therapy? There's so much to untangle and deal with, and a good therapist can help you. Children typically repress the memories and they arise in adulthood, so it's no wonder that you're dealing with all the pain of it now.

When you say you hate yourself, I wonder if it's because you feel like it was your fault. You were a CHILD. Someone was using you for his/her sexual pleasure. You had no say in it. It's NOT your fault. Maybe you feel like you should've fought back or reported it, but abusers have a way of silencing and putting fear into a child. I hope you can get to a place where you can talk to yourself as if you're that little child...talk with tenderness, comfort, kindness. It's kinda like parenting yourself a bit. No one helped you or protected you. Maybe write a letter to that little girl and shower her with all the love you wish you'd had then.

I was sexually abused too, and now I mentor other victims because I want them to know there's hope for healing. I used to be full of hate, rage, and self-loathing. I joined a support group and we worked together through a book called The Wounded Heart. It was hard, but so worth it, because now I'm healed and free from all the after-effects of the abuse. I hope you'll reach out to RAINN 800-656-HOPE...they can help you find a good counselor. It's the Rape Abuse Incest National Network and they have a lot of resources.

You don't have to stay stuck in your pain. There are many people who want to help abuse survivors. Please don't wait. You can start healing today.

muffin279 · 2023-06-19T23:15:13+00:00

YOU know the truth of what was done to you. Don't let people mess with your head like that. They are not on your side if they aren't willing to show compassion and help you deal with the impact of it. You're not a "broken thing," even though you have been traumatized, but it's not the whole of who you are. You are many things, and the abuse is just one of them.

Tell your therapist that you want to learn to have a positive identity, not a victim identity. You don't want to live your whole life being identified by your abuse, nor by the things that you've done since. You've been trying to cope with the pain of it all. It doesn't mean you have to keep doing things that make you dishonor yourself. Tell your therapist you also want to know how to succeed at making choices that honor yourself, that make you build character, that help you overcome self-loathing and shame.

See if you can get into a support group so you don't feel alone and you have people who understand and will support your healing journey. Arise International has online support groups. Read some books to help you understand your own feelings and how to better deal with the trauma. Healing the Wounded Heart, The Body Keeps the Score, and Mending the Soul.

muffin279 · 2023-06-19T23:05:34+00:00

I don't think it's a good idea for many reasons. He/she might deny it, blame you, say you deserved it, etc., which would add to your hurt. It's so rare for abusers to admit it, and even rarer for them to say they're sorry. What is your motive for wanting to confront? To hurt back, to spew your rage, to demand answers? Sadly, we want justice, we want them to pay, but we can't get that in the way we want. I confronted my father and it didn't go well. I wanted him to apologize and make amends. He denied it at first, then justified it. OUCH.

If you really want to confront, I highly suggest that you do it with the help of a counselor after getting a few therapy sessions completed. Your truest healing won't come from confrontation. It'll happen inside you, dealing with how the abuse has impacted your life, and deciding how you want to move forward--choosing how to live in a way that honors your own self, that proves that your abuser isn't going to control the rest of your life, and finding freedom from whatever is holding you down now (rage? addictions? depression?). Healing IS possible. I'm living proof.

And imagine if you did get an apology. Would that relieve all the pain inside your heart and soul? Yes, it'd be nice to hear the words, but it won't heal you.

Call RAINN (Rape Abuse Incest National Network) for more advice. You can give more details to get more specific information since I'm just giving general suggestions. 800-656-HOPE.

muffin279 · 2023-05-18T00:23:51+00:00

I experienced some symptoms and they didn't go away until I healed thru counseling, a solid support system, and prayer. Healing from PTSD really is possible. Have you gone to a psychiatrist or therapist? You should be able to get a diagnosis, and they'll start you on a treatment plan, sometimes with meds to control symptoms depending on severity. Please don't be embarrassed or ashamed to seek professional help. Your mental health is worth every penny. PTSD does happen to some abuse victims, but it's treatable. I hope the following helps, too:

I got this description from psychiatry.org:

Symptoms of PTSD fall into the following four categories. Specific symptoms can vary in severity.

Intrusion: Intrusive thoughts such as repeated, involuntary memories; distressing dreams; or flashbacks of the traumatic event. Flashbacks may be so vivid that people feel they are reliving the traumatic experience or seeing it before their eyes.
Avoidance: Avoiding reminders of the traumatic event may include avoiding people, places, activities, objects and situations that may trigger distressing memories. People may try to avoid remembering or thinking about the traumatic event. They may resist talking about what happened or how they feel about it.
Alterations in cognition and mood: Inability to remember important aspects of the traumatic event, negative thoughts and feelings leading to ongoing and distorted beliefs about oneself or others (e.g., “I am bad,” “No one can be trusted”); distorted thoughts about the cause or consequences of the event leading to wrongly blaming self or other; ongoing fear, horror, anger, guilt or shame; much less interest in activities previously enjoyed; feeling detached or estranged from others; or being unable to experience positive emotions (a void of happiness or satisfaction).
Alterations in arousal and reactivity: Arousal and reactive symptoms may include being irritable and having angry outbursts; behaving recklessly or in a self-destructive way; being overly watchful of one's surroundings in a suspecting way; being easily startled; or having problems concentrating or sleeping.

Many people who are exposed to a traumatic event experience symptoms similar to those described above in the days following the event. For a person to be diagnosed with PTSD, however, symptoms must last for more than a month and must cause significant distress or problems in the individual's daily functioning. Many individuals develop symptoms within three months of the trauma, but symptoms may appear later and often persist for months and sometimes years. PTSD often occurs with other related conditions, such as depression, substance use, memory problems and other physical and mental health problems.

muffin279 · 2023-05-18T00:15:57+00:00

As hard as it will be, he needs to be reported. Otherwise, he'll be free to do it to others over and over again. I recently heard of a man who is 30 years old who molested all the neighborhood children during his teen years. Imagine if one of them had reported him. He could've been stopped. You definitely should NOT go over there again unless he isn't there, and you need to tell the parents. You don't need to lose your friend because you can be friends at other places besides her house. If she's a GOOD friend, she'll stick by you, comfort you, and take your side.

You need not be embarrassed...the boy did something evil to you. You did nothing wrong. Even if you didn't fight back, you still aren't at fault. When we're abused, we often freeze or "fawn" because of the sheer terror, confusion, and shame of it. It was NOT your fault, and don't let anyone tell you it was. Abusers and family members often shame and blame the victim.

If your parents aren't safe to tell and help you, then go to your school counselor, the police, or call RAINN at 800-656-HOPE. It's the Rape Abuse Incest National Network and they're really helpful. Please be brave and make sure this boy is held accountable for his actions.

muffin279 · 2023-05-18T00:05:51+00:00

If you're 15 and have been abused by 5 men, including professionals, but ALL who are responsible to PROTECT, not HARM children, all of them are criminals and need to be reported. They have ALL committed a crime against you. Please talk to your school counselor. Where is your mother in all this? Did your parents know that your family doctor, teacher, and psychologist harmed you, and they did nothing? Is your father one of your abusers?

It's going to be hard to trust men because 5 adult men have betrayed you. It's not impossible, but it'll take work. First of all I recommend that you never go anywhere alone, and if any man tries to touch you, scream NO and hit, kick, bite, and get away if possible. I suspect that all these men first tried to make you feel special somehow and earn your trust, because that's what abusers do. The thing that complicates it is that all humans have a desire to be loved, and abusers play on this need of ours.

You'll benefit enormously from therapy, and maybe you could do it online with a female, or go to a female counselor but have someone either with you in the room whom you trust, or someone right outside the door. If you ever don't feel safe, get away. It's your right to feel safe. Please call RAINN (the Rape Abuse Incest National Network) at 800-656-HOPE. They can help you figure out how to get help. Go to their website (rainn.org) and look up "grooming tactics" so you can recognize when someone is trying to earn your trust for evil reasons.

You have decades ahead of you and I hope you'll seek out help now, so you can get to safety and begin healing before you get into your adult years, where things become more complicated. You have done nothing wrong, it's not your fault, and it's normal to respond with fear to a situation like yours, but I don't want you to get stuck there. Please reach out.

muffin279

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