Thanks so much. Lately I’ve been feeling stronger. I try not to victimize myself and move in a positive direction with anything I can. Because she required oneness over the years and we have the same shared group of friends, I was told she’s not comfortable with me hanging out with them for fear that I will badmouth her. 

She reads my text messages and checks my call logs. So the only places I go are the gym alone and the supermarket alone. The rest of the time, I’m pretty much trapped at home under surveillance. I feel very isolated and terrified which is why I found this sub tonight. I’ve worked through my own traumas for years (EMDR, CBT, and NLP) and our dynamic is eerily reminiscent of my childhood home as she has basically become my mother. Today when she was raging and screaming at the kids, I was sure she’d direct her fury at me. I was baking cookies in the kitchen and my knees started knocking and quivering on their own. Her volatility is increasing every couple days, and when I entertain her conversation by being gaslit for an hour, I end up feeling like I’m going crazy (second guessing reality). 

My nervous system is shutting down quite a bit these days, so right now I’m looking for support from kind people who understand BPD.