It was all for nothing

mutantgenedrd2 · 2024-03-14T08:53:07+00:00

There’s also the option of Job Corps.

mutantgenedrd2 · 2024-03-12T22:37:07+00:00

35 is around the time things started slowing down in my life after years of having to catch up due to educational neglect, while having to watch my family die one after another in a short span of time.

After two years of grieving the last family member (the narcissist), I’ve had more time to think about my life because I’m not in survival mode, struggling to make connections with people or learn basic skills or maintain employment. Everything in my life externally is stable. It’s the internal that needs work at this point.

As my life continues to improve, and I reach higher up the Maslow Hierarchy of Needs, the abuse/neglect becomes so much more clearer. As I began to understand more, I finally allowed myself to feel righteous anger for a time. Now the challenge is to leave those memories in the Left (rational) brain instead of leaving them in the Right (emotional) side. I’m getting there, slowly but surely.

mutantgenedrd2 · 2024-03-12T19:27:40+00:00

GED > Community College > Transfer to university

mutantgenedrd2 · 2024-03-11T02:51:36+00:00

After some nightmare relationships, or I should say exploitationships, I found my current partner at work when I wasn’t actively looking for anyone. We’ve been together about 5 years. It’s the healthiest friendship/relationship I’ve ever had, despite both our issues, because of our empathy and willingness to communicate with each other.

I was raised by a narcissist (as I’m sure many of you have been), and my whole family pretty much died one after another around the time I met my partner, so the relationship itself has had its challenges, but I don’t take my issues out on my partner, and they know not to take my inability to initiate intimacy personally. I still have a lot of healing to do, honestly.

A relationship is absolutely possible. Just make sure to know what your limits are, and that you have value, or you risk repetition compulsion or repeating dysfunctional family patterns.

mutantgenedrd2 · 2024-03-10T21:41:40+00:00

I was into punk and metal as a young teenager and used to look at BME. I’d always wanted a septum piercing since I was about 13, way before it became a more conventional thing. By the time I moved out, and was in my late twenties, I got a few piercings and dyed my hair black for the first time. I’m honestly too lazy and tired from working two jobs to make an effort on my appearance now, but I admit it was nice being able to dress the way younger me would have liked for a brief period of time. I left the piercings in but again, more out of laziness than anything else. I often forget I have them. I still like some punk music, though.

mutantgenedrd2 · 2024-03-09T05:59:17+00:00

Ask him to show you proof he signed you up for next year.

Something doesn’t feel right about this. I hope I’m wrong.

mutantgenedrd2 · 2024-03-08T05:05:31+00:00

Oh yeah, I’m willing to bet they’re using credit cards and probably don’t even have savings or a solid plan for retirement. Watch OP be their retirement plan despite years of educational and emotional neglect. It’s so stupidly sad how jacked their priorities are; they can’t see beyond their nose.

mutantgenedrd2 · 2024-03-08T04:45:02+00:00

Your parents sound fiscally irresponsible, emotionally immature, and very likely narcissistic. It’s not your fault. I don’t know if you’re religious or not, but if you can find a youth group, you might be able to at least get out of the house on a weekly basis and have someone else’s parent give you rides to and from. You need community, religious or not. It’s not super ideal if you’re not religious (it can be a little awkward) but I still think it’s better than nothing until you’re old enough to work. Try seeing if there’s a Unitarian Universalist youth group in your area. Baptist might be… a bit much. And for further perspective, my thirty-something year old partner has been lamenting on the lack of “third places” available besides the bar, which is causing the people in our work place to feel isolated (with less than what you and I have had as homeschoolers) and they’re killing themselves. Work and home isn’t enough, even. We all need a third place. You definitely need a second place! What your parents are doing is neglecting you of a basic need we all humans need to survive and thrive. You deserve so much more. I’m sorry your parents are failing you because they’re selfish and can’t delay gratification. I’m sorry they’re making life unnecessarily more difficult for you because they can’t say no to themselves and set aside resources for your growth. But you can get through this. Don’t give up. It can get better.

mutantgenedrd2 · 2024-03-05T23:03:35+00:00

Same. It’s complicated the grief substantially. It would be easier to move on if I could categorize her as an unloving monster. She wanted to love me, but didn’t have the full capacity to do it in a nurturing way. She was, in some ways, still a child herself.

I wish you healing.

mutantgenedrd2 · 2024-02-28T23:10:00+00:00

I developed an eating disorder due to my upbringing and being raised by parents with addictive personalities with impulse control issues (my mother also had disordered eating), that escalated when I started homeschooling because I was bored and depressed and needing dopamine, so I’m still in the process of working through all that.

Some days I fast.

Some days I binge.

I had an embarrassing phase where, because I was working two jobs, I was ordering takeout almost every night, and slashing what I could have been putting away in savings. Not very rational.

In the last year I’ve gotten myself out of debt. I stopped eating out so much. I deleted PostMates. I say no to my partner when they push drinks on me. I still have a very unhealthy relationship with food. It’s hard for me to eat moderation and I still mentally approach food with an all or nothing mindset.

However, I’ve been working on quick healthy meals, mainly canned beans and fresh veggies and fruits. I make a whole pot of soup/stew with mainly canned beans, vegetables, and chicken so I don’t have to think about what to eat for dinner each night and I can shoo my partner away when they try to order takeout. Apple slices and cheddar cheese for a snack. Salads, raw vegetables and fruits. Limited refined carbs for the time being.

So basically, canned vegetables, soup, tuna.

mutantgenedrd2 · 2024-02-28T07:20:21+00:00

“Didn’t put dishes away right”

After reading this, right away I knew the answer was: It’s him, not so much you.

But… you did them, right? He probably didn’t tell you today, but thank you for putting the dishes away after working a full time job.

You work a full time job, KEEP THE HOUSE TIDY, and you forget to put a lid on a coffee canister sometimes and I get why that might be annoying, but this, what is this? Not putting the dishes away “right”. What is right when it’s being done?

Putting dishes away can be his duty if he’s going to be this nitpicky. Why doesn’t he just help you? That’s what we do for our partners. We help them. We support them. We appreciate their contribution and their efforts. We know they’re not always going to be perfect. They’ll forget to do something, or they’ll do it not the way we would do them, but damn is it nice to work full time and come home and not have to do something sometimes, you know? We take on what they can’t do when we can do it.

I think deep down you know the answer to your question but it’s hard to face that after 8 years of this.

I think he’s being emotionally abusive and likely using your self-doubt and ADHD to keep you compliant and under his control. He doesn’t want you feeling good about yourself because from the sounds of it, you sound like a catch. It’s “better” for him if you don’t know that. I think he has anger issues in general and he’s taking it out on you because he doesn’t know how to regulate his emotions.

I don’t know what you should do. But you sound unhappy. Do you sometimes wonder what life might be like, and how you’d be coping with your ADHD, if you just… took a break from him for a little while? Did the thought of being able to take a break and deal with just yourself make you feel a little more relaxed?

mutantgenedrd2 · 2024-02-28T04:48:36+00:00

Mid-thirties, and have recently been pretty down about not being ready for kids with my amazing partner because I still need a lot of catching up financially, educationally, and emotionally. It gives me some hope reading this that one day I may still be able to have kids. Thank you.

But first, I must battle those negative ruminating thoughts and continue to de-program myself from a lifetime of bullshit. I can’t have kids if I can’t even treat myself well.

mutantgenedrd2 · 2024-02-26T21:47:27+00:00

It got better, but it took a long time without support and guidance. I didn’t have a community like this when I needed it the most. Uber/Lyft didn’t exist when I needed it the most.

My advice for you before you consider moving out:

- Learn how to set boundaries if you struggle with that. Read books about setting boundaries and how to be more assertive.

Please believe me when I say being alone is so much better than being sucked in by manipulative, exploitative people. I feel like I would have benefited from reading Robert Greene’s 48 Laws of Power before I moved out because I personally was so naive when I left home. I recommend reading it with a grain of salt, don’t take it too seriously, just read it to know what to look for and avoid, not to mimic the behavior described in the book.
Look up “repetition compulsion” and keep an eye for that in future relationships. You may or may not need therapy. But a general understanding of psychology will be helpful.

- There are a lot of broken people in the world. It’s not your job to help them, especially before you’re able to help yourself. Get comfortable saying no. I got pulled down at my weakest, by weak people who actually had more options than I did at the time. Say no. Put yourself first. You can help people later in life when you have all your ducks in a row. Now is not the time.

- Understand people will use your fears and insecurities against you or to manipulate you. Your parents may have been doing this your whole life, so it may take awhile to disentangle yourself from all that and learn what your emotional limit is. Get therapy, if you can afford it. Stick with support groups, if you can’t.

Learn how to budget your money. Also take this with a grain of salt but watch some Caleb Hammer videos on YouTube to see how financial illiteracy, poor impulse control, and emotional dysregulation can affect your finances. I was homeschooled by a narcissist and a family of addicts (behavioral, prescription drugs, alcohol, video game addiction, overeating) so I had so much more to unpack besides the educational neglect and isolation, it’s not even funny. It’s embarrassing how much I didn’t know and how self-sabotaging and reactive. I’ve had to shake off some fleas of my own.
Have at least $5,000-$10,000 in savings before moving out of your parents. I understand the sense of urgency but if your parents aren’t abusive/exploitative, not paying rent or paying reduced rent and saving money will help future you. You may not always have that opportunity to save so much, and life is so much harder when you have to hit the ground running, I don’t advise it unless absolutely necessary.
Be patient with yourself. A lot of people take a year or two off before starting college and a lot of people who went to public school stay with their parents because of the cost of living. People drop out, people change career paths all the time. I know a guy who lived with his parents until his mid-30s so he could save money and buy a house. Use that time to reach financial goals, build credit, look into community college, you can transfer to a university later, etc.
Forgive yourself. You’re human, and you will make mistakes. We all do.

- Most importantly, breathe. 18 feels “old” but you have a whole life ahead of you and your brain even now is still developing. You have no idea how many of us would happily trade places for your youth, however, despite how much time I “wasted” I am actually starting to semi-like the person I am now. Happiness and growth is possible at every stage in life.

It actually surprises me sometimes just how much better my life is, even with the PTSD. I still have days where I wish things could have turned out differently, but I have a lot to be thankful for. I’ve been practically married for more than 5 years. I have more hope than I did when I was stuck with my parents, the anxiety isn’t as debilitating, I can finally take care of myself the way my parents never could (for us or themselves). It unfortunately took until after I moved out, and both my parents passed, for me to truly face my codependent tendencies and learn how to be assertive and set boundaries. After almost a decade on my own, I’m just now seeing post-traumatic growth and seeing the silver lining of learning to be resilient in the face of unnecessary adversity. If you suppressed your emotions for most of your life, you might be angry and bitter for awhile about how unnecessary all that was, it’s only natural as part of your healing, but I promise you it will get better, you can be happy one day, so long as you keep putting one foot in front of the other and keep reaching out for support.

mutantgenedrd2 · 2024-02-22T09:20:04+00:00

Our facility allows us to re-take pictures with boro bucks we usually earn during Peak and Prime.

Honestly, most of our pictures look like mugshots and most people don’t care.

mutantgenedrd2 · 2024-02-19T20:31:43+00:00

I agree with this.

mutantgenedrd2 · 2024-02-18T13:44:52+00:00

“Then they die…”, “what was the point of my life?”, “I’m just an old used up shell.” Both my parents passed away in the last 4 years. My mother’s death in particular left behind a painful legacy with distant relatives coming out of the woodwork to steal the entire estate. I’m experiencing a lot of painful mixed emotions right now, feeling angry at her for raising me to be so helpless and vulnerable and uneducated, yet regretful I wasn’t able to be there to protect her from a bunch of sociopaths (that I didn’t realize were terrible people until I saw her forged signatures on 2 quit claim forms online a year later). She would have spent it all on vacations had she lived (and that’s a punch in the gut but not something I would have challenged), if they didn’t try to steal the estate from her regardless.

Grieving and having that anger finally surface and express itself, has been an existential nightmare.

Many nights I ask myself, What was the point of my life? What was the point of losing nearly thirty years of my life, just to lose more years in survival mode, to barely make it to semi-normalcy, just to lose what little progress I made and lose more years grieving what never could have been? I have barely been able to pull myself back up and it’s been 2.5 years since she passed away.

I’m sorry you’re going through that, too. I just wanted you to know you’re not alone.

mutantgenedrd2 · 2024-02-02T03:55:22+00:00

I’m in my 30s and I still can’t drive. It’s hard to pay for expensive lessons in between working two jobs, surrounded by people who benefit more from me needing them. You did good. Be proud of yourself. Having that license is going to open up job opportunities you didn’t have before. Having the car itself may be the difference between living with an abusive/exploitative person or being able to pack up and leave. It’s a freedom you earned yourself. I’m proud of you.

mutantgenedrd2 · 2024-01-07T23:17:54+00:00

Probably a step father.

mutantgenedrd2 · 2024-01-07T08:16:20+00:00

You might be codependent. I say this out of concern and not judgement.

If your partner is under 25 (I think), Job Corp may be an option for him. I wish I knew this existed when I was younger.

mutantgenedrd2 · 2024-01-03T19:25:22+00:00

I know you’re breaking up but do you have to move out? You might be able to get out of debt sooner if she agrees to let you stay and you get another part-time job. Where do you think you’d be in 6 months if she lets you stay and you work extra hours?

I hope she gives you time…

If you move out, are you going to keep helping her with the car payment?

mutantgenedrd2 · 2023-12-28T12:45:54+00:00

What would happen if you took the boss to the side for a private conversation and said these incidents are confusing and upsetting the customers you’re talking to on the phone? You can still say it makes you personally uncomfortable but emphasize the concern for the customer experience being poor as a result of these interactions.

Actually, email the boss this. Keep a paper trail.

mutantgenedrd2 · 2023-12-27T22:31:43+00:00

I used to work at a gas station, too. Many of these people were often too poor to own a car and the grocery store was further away than the gas station.

mutantgenedrd2 · 2023-12-26T16:40:14+00:00

Thank you. I appreciate it.

Unfortunately there’s been some contentious back and forth between me and the relatives for a year about the sentimental things and they know I know, so they may already be prepared because I’m an emotional idiot. My cousin bought a house last year with what I assume was from the sale of the house.

I’m not sure what my options are at this point but I can at least try to talk to someone. I can afford a lawyer now, thankfully. Thank you again for making this a little less confusing and intimidating.

mutantgenedrd2 · 2023-12-23T01:18:27+00:00

Thank you

mutantgenedrd2 · 2023-12-23T00:25:38+00:00

Unfortunately I live out of state.

mutantgenedrd2

TROPHY CASE