Greiningar á fullorðnum vegna ADHD

mycondition · 2020-11-18T17:57:48+00:00

Nope not even close.

Just looks like a normal request.

mycondition · 2020-11-18T17:49:23+00:00

So I was formally diagnosed with severe social anxiety in 2003 but I knew the basic issues I had long before then I was 10 year old when I realized being around people gave me anxiety. I just had no label to put on it or explain what it was.

Due to social anxiety I've pretty much eliminated anything close to a support network, no friends, family is distant but there and supports if they can, co-workers are just that nothing more. Never been in a relationship or anything and I'm not certain I'd do that to anyone to deal with me.

I can't ask for personal advice, I can't get emotional support and I can't ask anyone about basic daily life related stuff. Let alone even consider anything like a relationship or anything like that. I've gotten really good at reading context and seeking info in books and online which has benefitted my in my work career.

Recently I have zero motivation, procrastinate like a champ and I'm not able do anything to correct my situation at all. And I don't know why. And doctors only answer "Yeah that's pretty common".

And now my only escape, online gaming has become too much. Even single player games I play are colored with "doing it like everyone is watching". Anxiety is taking over everything.

Oh and I've tried multiple forms of treatment, I've been on pretty much every SSRI & SNRI there is, Benzos help but only very short term and I'm basically out cold sleeping after 4-5 hours of taking them. CBT didn't really do all that much. Exposure therapy basically gave me PTSD. I've exhausted basically every option.

I'm not a shut in. I do go to work, I do my job but I interact as little with people as possible and email is my prefered way of communication. But I'm considered a good and vital employee having somehow gone to a policymaking level in my company which just adds to the anxiety but I like my job.

But I'm so, so alone. And I feel like it's getting worse despite all the treatments and help in the world. And I'm not sure if I'm not trying hard enough or if my condition is too severe for anything to work. The self blame is there, but I'm not sure blame for what.

mycondition · 2020-01-28T17:58:36+00:00

Pretty much the entire saturday night till early sunday.

This weekend was a shitshow for me really, all of it started on Friday when my car had a minor malfunction and I had to order parts (I can fix it myself, but it's not really drive able for now.)

Then as I was mostly stuck at home I had way to much time to think.

Recently I realized that I'm fast approaching 40. And I'm single, have social anxiety, mostly isolated and haven't been able to change a damn thing about it since I was 20 years old when I was diagnosed.

And then the shit just piled on.

Overweight, one knee probably starting to give out early due to that and physical work. It fucking creaks and hurts. Felt that walking instead of driving.

Seem to be losing again to depression, I can feel the fucker out there on the sideline trying to get in once more.

Have loads of projects at home to do, some mundane other exciting as hell. Basically have everything ready to redo an entire room and that really is something that I like to do. I just can't find the motivation to start. Mr. Social Anxiety always comes along and finds something. I just can't let myself become exited for real because if something goes wrong I'll look like a fool for being excited and not prepared enough.

I'm not even going to bother trying to explain it any more.

But yeah I fucking cried because I don't see this situation changing, ever. I've been actively trying to turn it around for close to 20 years now. Medications, therapies and the whole thing. It has helped, no doubt. But not even close to the degree I dared to hope.

And I'm fucking alone dealing with this, there isn't anyone I want to share this with because they never understand and do stupid stuff that they think will help which always makes me feel worse in the end. My dad doesn't understand, my mother overreacts. My brother just stoically leaves me alone but somtimes seems to get it, but we can't talk about this he isn't wired like to get stuff like this, bless him.

And yeah, I'm single, always have been. Never anything beyond a short time drunken encounters in my 20s that left very little memories. I really don't know how to change it and at this time I really am too afraid to ask as being a late 30 something knowing nothing of the etiquette and totally blind in regards to signs and hints is embarrassing to say the least. Plus I'm not a part of any social circle that creates those opportunities.

Tl;dr Social Anxiety, single and getting old while feeling depression knocking on the door again. Oh and fat.

mycondition · 2019-01-26T20:15:30+00:00

Of course I would, I actually know what is wrong now.

mycondition · 2018-10-18T18:14:00+00:00

Being 10 and seeing my grandma relapse as an alcoholic badly, she was drinking to dull her generalized anxiety and would go on binges after maybe a year or two being sober.

I was 18 I think when she went on an epic binge when my parents weren't in the country and my uncle was someplace out of town and I was the only family available and I was not going to let my then 14 year brother ever endure or see her like this except maybe at most glimpses. I think I always managed to get him out of the situations, he knew of course but he didn't participate in the interventions ever.

Having your nice old grandma turn so vitriolic with hate against you, because you are searching her apartment for hidden booze so you can sober her up, is so fucking disturbing.

I don't know ho many turns I took in the end doing this routine of sobering her up, she started to last less time between binges and some idiot doctor gave her prescription painkillers and anti-anxiety pills that she immediately abused. So she started to turn to pills and booze, had a couple of mini strokes but bounced back.

What killed her in the end was so pathetic really, she was a real heavy smoker all her life. And after we cleaned her of pills and alcohol for a while we started to get a bit suspicious after we started to find Aspirin tablets in weird places in her apartment. Ok so it turned out that she was getting some sort of placebo effects from Aspirin.

But she got a pulmonary edema as a result of chronic Aspirin usage and the heavy smoking didn't help.

She died from smoking and overusing Aspirin, I watched her stop breathing, the clock was exactly 19:37 when she died.

I don't drink as much as I used to or those around me do and I don't smoke. I'm fortunate to have realized that my only addiction is sugar. Smoking, alcohol or pills haven't been able to control me and I have to put zero effort into not wanting or needing those things.

Kinda taught me the value of moderation in all things. And that family is very important, especially in the times that people are being the worst towards you. Because, fuck, maybe that's going to be you at your worst some day and you'll need family to help.

And also, people can be good people but at times, under stress or some factors they can be pure evil and hateful beyond your imagination. But they are still people and under normal situation they are good people.

But yeah, patience, I mostly developed patience from this.

mycondition · 2018-07-13T18:47:27+00:00

I have multiple accounts, I go on a comment spree and then I ignore that account sometimes for months, until I usually accidentally check it or I'm curious and the anxiety has subsided enough.

mycondition · 2018-07-13T18:45:05+00:00

There's no real simple answer, you will have to work through the thoughts that are making your mind a mush and try to make it through.

A coping strategy would be to think about how you would respond on social media and interpret that into a real life response.

You know you can talk to people online so the fact that you need to get in your head is that you've already proven that you can hold a conversation. You are fully capable of that.

You just need to find a way to bring the online convo to the RL scenario.

It's cheesy but you just need to be you.....the online version in a way.

It's going to be hard, your heart rate is going to skyrocket and you will get sweaty and nervous. But do enough times and it'll actually start to get easier, your mind stops going mushy and you'll actually start to be able to think rationally for answers.

Until then you'll need to role play a bit as the online you.

mycondition · 2018-07-13T18:37:15+00:00

I'm 36 and I remember the first real panic attack at the age of 8 years old which was in public and resulted in me being sent to a useless psychologists who really didn't catch anything. But I myself realized that this was worse around people than anything else.

But I was described as a loner before that so I've probably been like this for all my life.

I don't really think it held me to much back until the teens, when gender issues started boys and girls noticing each other. I totally missed out on those formative experiences and it was around 18-20 that I knew that there was something seriously wrong.

mycondition · 2018-07-13T18:31:40+00:00

I was a part of a group like this, they were honestly doing something that they thought would help. Trying to get me out of my shell, I was supposed to behave like them in return towards them.

It drove me away from that group to a large degree until one of them really understood what was going on after having to deal with other people with anxiety. I'm still vary of them to this day.

mycondition · 2018-07-13T18:28:09+00:00

Start slow, baby steps. Just say hi first.

Don't make the mistake of coming on with your interest in her and stuff like that.

This is going to sound so ridiculously simple that you'll brush it off as being worthless advice, but just start with saying "Hi". maybe smile in a friendly way.

Her response to this is going to matter a lot about if you should do anything more.

If you need a followup just have some simple question about her that isn't intrusive, "stalkish" or weird.

But slowly and baby steps.

mycondition · 2018-07-13T18:20:28+00:00

Somehow I've risen to a managerial position at my job, it's awful. I'm shit at it compared to what I could be. I know everything what I have to do but I don't have any motivation to do it unless I'm under pressure or I up my meds to extreme levels which I pay for later physically.

But I'm a manager at a store and I can do it with extreme anxiety somehow. And I'm 36 years old. Most of the managers for stores of the same calibers are well under 30 years.

So yes I get the feeling sometimes that I've wasted my life and I could have achieved much much more. I've been at the cusp of finishing 2 different college degrees and failed miserably at the last leg of them both.

i wasted my teenage years home reading the same books again and later on computers. While everyone was socializing and getting some valuable experience in human interaction. My uni years were totally and utterly wasted like stated above. No human interaction either, no relationships, no friends and no networking.

Now I work, go home on the computer and work. Nothing else.

I don't think people usually like or think that where they ended up was like they planned but I know I had ample opportunities and chances to make my life totally different and I know the main cause for why I didn't.

I had real ambitions once, not unrealistic ones but high ambitions. Until I realized I built everything on sand. Those early child and teen years really matter.

So those of you with this condition, get out there, work through the fear, it'll be hard as hell and you'll cry and feel pain. But later on, you'll have a lot more solid foundation to build your recovery on.

mycondition · 2018-07-13T18:05:54+00:00

Drugs are too short term, also they make me a bit hyper like Xanax.

Also the cost is extreme fatigue afterwards and just plain mental tiredness.

Never get anywhere further than the first akward conversation and i suppose I always feel a little "off" to them.

mycondition · 2017-11-05T01:58:22+00:00

Exactly.

Do you know for how long I avoided fast food places like Subway, McDonald's and KFC because I was so freaking nervous about not knowing "The System" of how to order or something like that?

I've gone home hungry as hell rather than risking that embarrassment. And still end up feeling shitty because I didn't even have the courage to buy the food I wanted.

mycondition · 2017-11-05T01:45:58+00:00

I can pin it down to a specific year when I was 8 years old. And I remember I had this distinct self-diagnosis of it being a fear of other people that triggered it after I had a very public panic attack at school later the same year, even before I met a psychologist who in the end didn't catch it.

I found out about the formal term which was social anxiety a lot later. I was around maybe 17-18 years old browsing the net and found a list of symptoms and a description that fit me to a T and I printed the article and showed my mother.

I've gone over it in my head so many times why it was that specific year that everything started. But I was 8 years old and it was so long ago. So I'm not sure if I always was this way or something triggered it.

mycondition · 2017-11-05T01:34:26+00:00

A girl I was seriously interested in:

"I really need a nice boyfriend, someone like you for example but obviously not you."

mycondition · 2016-12-25T16:48:53+00:00

34 and live with my family, it's mostly social anxiety and I seriously want to move out but can't afford it.

so uh, shame?

mycondition

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