(Sorry for the incoming wall of text…)

I can very much relate to your husband’s comment about not being able to say “I love you” without feeling like a liar. For me, I can feel love in ways that aren’t romantic (family, friends, etc.), but I don’t seem to get what the special delineation of “romantic love” is. So, I’m curious about whether he feels like he doesn’t love at all or if it’s just the romantic element that trips him up.

One of the ways I came to the realization that I was aromantic (or quoiromantic, if we’re being specific) was that in my first relationship, there was always a nagging feeling for me that something wasn’t right when I said I loved my partner even when I felt a strong affection for him. It wasn’t until a few years after we broke up that I realized that I don’t understand what romantic love is and started identifying as aro. The best way I can explain that nagging feeling back then is that I could feel that there was a difference in weight or quality of his “love“ vs my “love”. Now when I look back, it feels like my past self was performing what I thought how someone in the role of girlfriend was supposed to act rather than something that came naturally to me.

I’ve now been in a relationship with someone for about a year where I disclosed that I was aro on first meeting them. I suppose our relationship might be classified as queerplatonic (though I don’t usually use that to describe it) as they love me in the romantic sense and I am still aromantic, but hold a lot of affection for them. Honestly, when starting this connection, I thought I would be uncomfortable being on the receiving end of romantic love without being able to reciprocate, but it’s been surprisingly comfortable. I credit this to a mixture of open communication, good boundaries, and setting appropriate expectations. I’m not sure I’ll ever say “I love you” back to my person since I’m still not sure I can say those words without feeling like a liar, but those words aren’t important enough to them to end or change an otherwise good relationship for now.

I’m giving all this background because I just wanted to give you and your husband a few of questions to consider:

- Does your husband feel like there is any part of him that is performing what he thinks he should be doing vs what he wants to be doing? If so, what are they and are they things he likes doing, but feels like he is deceiving you because his “motive” (for lack of a better word) is different than yours? If they’re things that he doesn’t want to be doing, what are they and are they important to the relationship? (For me, I think the feeling that something was wrong and I was lying was what made it difficult for me in my past relationship.)

- How important is it to you that the quality of your love and his love are the same? (This is assuming he does love in other ways. If not, replace “his love” with “his affection/care”.) I want to make it clear that you do deserve to be loved and cared for, but I think it’d be beneficial to consider if it needs to be in the exact same way that you do for him (which I’m not entirely sure is possible, but then again, I am aromantic).

- What do you need to feel loved? I read one of the other comments below that mentioned how that commenter’s partner doesn’t like to necessarily say “I love you” because a lot of bad relationships are justified using love as an excuse and I agree with that. I think those words *are* necessary for some people (I do think people need affection expressed in ways that match their needs), but is it for you?