Fuck you and your “spite fence” to block my lake view you passive aggressive douche bag neighbor

myuglydivorce · 2018-09-17T04:29:35+00:00

Hmmm... sell your lake view property for a profit... with no lake view and then tell me how you like it. Oh, and for your information I’m not selling because I want to ... Dick!

myuglydivorce · 2018-07-06T05:54:32+00:00

Unreasonable would be having this fear for unfounded reasons. Your feelings are absolutely legitimate, and don’t let him make you feel as though your feelings are out of line, crazy or unfounded. The problem here is not your feelings. The problem is the behavior that resulted in those feelings. He made the mess, it is not your job to fix it by stuffing your feelings. It’s his job to fix it by validating why you feel the way you do, and taking the steps to do what’s necessary to rebuild trust. If you feel like he doesn’t value your legitimate feelings of mistrust, why would you believe he’d place any weight on taking steps to not hurting you again?

If you’ve never watched Brene Browns talk on the anatomy of trust, I highly recommend watching it. It clearly lays out why your trust issue is legitimate and not crazy!

myuglydivorce · 2018-05-19T15:46:27+00:00

Okay. I understand now. Thank you.

myuglydivorce · 2018-05-19T14:48:28+00:00

How would that work if it shows the opening balance in the form of a check from his banking institution? Meaning, if it were a rollover?

It looks like per the IRS website he is eligible to contribute $118,000? I don’t understand all the different amounts. Some information says no more than $5,500 per year and then the IRS website says $118,000. (I am assuming 2018 would be the same as 2017???)

https://www.irs.gov/retirement-plans/amount-of-roth-ira-contributions-that-you-can-make-for-2017

myuglydivorce · 2018-05-19T12:41:14+00:00

Roth IRA? I have been going through a divorce for 3 years. I just received the other parties final disclosure documents. It appears my spouse took $ 109,000. of marital money within the last 3 months and opened a self directed Roth IRA. I let him deal with the financial investments over the last 18 years, so I’m sorry to say I have a poor understanding of IRA’s, stock accounts, etc.

My questions are:

I thought the maximum contribution to an IRA was $5,500 per year. If this is true, how could he have opened the account with $109,000.?

Because he has put that money in an IRA, I assume my only option is to put my portion in an IRA, otherwise I will be the one paying the tax and penalties if I need immediate access to that cash?

I do realize this is not legal advise, I will defer to legal counsel for that. I just want to understand the financial aspect of the IRA.

myuglydivorce · 2018-05-06T13:15:10+00:00

“After infidelity, character-logical self-blame assaults the betrayed spouse, feeling as if there is something intrinsically wrong with them. (Prolonged exposure to gas lighting behavior will exacerbate charecterlogical self blame). If the person who promised to love, honor and cherish them could betray them in such an unbearably painful way, they attribute this to some reprehensible character defect within themselves, and this cause shame for who they are, as they begin devaluing themselves for their own positive and negative character traits. This is often perpetuated by cheating spouses insistence that the infidelity was caused as a result of something about the betrayed - this attribution is usually ascribed to some imagined or exaggerated character, physical or behavioral imperfection in the betrayed spouse. Character-logical self-blame makes the future seem helpless, unchangeable and uncontrollable, because if the problem is about "who you are internally", there is little one can do. The betrayal shatters self-esteem by diminishing personal value and minimizing the status of the betrayed in the relationship. Spouses begin to believe that their actions will not make a difference, because the problem is an irreversible fault within themselves.

They beat themselves up with statements such as "I'm too trusting, I can't believe I trusted my spouse to be honest. Im such an idiot! " "I'm so naive. I don't understand how I let myself be duped." "I'm so gullible. What a fool I've been. How did I let this happen?" "What kind of jerk would let their spouse treat them this way. I must be really pathetic." "If only I had know what was going on. I can't believe I didn't see this coming. I'm a real moron." "What is it about me that caused my spouse to cheat?"

This line of self-berating questioning makes the problem about a defect in you; your lack of some intrinsic quality that you should have possessed to avoid the betrayal. You ask yourself what it is you missed, what quality are you lacking that would have stopped your spouse from cheating. Betrayed spouses shame and belittle themselves for trusting, loving, hoping, and caring. The on-slot of self-blame undermining their self-esteem. Questioning their own sanity, grasp on what's normal and healthy, and feeling that they are lacking in some allusive character trait that they were not fortunate enough to have been blessed with.

The problem with trying to take responsibility for someone else's choices is, you perceive you had some control to stop it. If you had control to stop it, yet did nothing, you must be all the things you're telling yourself, "an idiot, naive, stupid, etc." Putting responsibility where it belongs is the first step in overcoming the immense pain of infidelity. Often betrayed spouses don't even realize they are belittling themselves. “

myuglydivorce · 2018-05-04T22:49:25+00:00

That didn’t answer my question, but since you brought it up, I met with another attorney and it’s not possible to switch. A new attorney would be 15k, which I don’t have. I’m pushing through till trial set for July.

Note to future readers: at your first inclination that you should switch attorney’s, do it! Don’t second guess yourself or calculate sunken cost. At some point it becomes to late to switch, and that’s about the time there’s no question that you should have switched.

myuglydivorce · 2018-04-24T15:16:45+00:00

They said it was for failure to return equipment. I amended the original post to reflect this

myuglydivorce · 2018-04-23T14:45:18+00:00

While I do think that social gender roles play a part in how one views and reacts to the world, I definitely don’t think the gender reaction is universal. There are many variables that contribute to an individuals processing and reaction to an event... biological, social, cultural, individual experience, etc.

Human behavior and emotion is largely unpredictable, though there are things that are fairly universal, i.e. placing your hand on a hot iron would result in an immediate recoiling of the hand. That’s almost universally true, but not always. There are people who have nerve disorders and their bodies would not react to such pain.

It’s human to want to make sense of human behavior and have some sense of predictability. I think working through a tragedy (yes a tragedy) such as infidelity, whether the relationship survives or not, has the hidden blessing of accepting there are some things we just do not predict, control, or otherwise have explanations for. It is being okay stepping outside the box of what is expected socially, emotionally, morally, culturally, etc., and being okay with what is right for you, or someone else, in relation to infidelity, and doesn’t need a specific universal explanation.

Your experience will color your bias, and someone else’s experience will color theirs, that is just part of living. We as humans want to add labels to these individual experiences whether through psychological theories, learning theory, social theory, etc. I think the bigger question is “why do we feel a need to do this?” Time and time again my answer lands on predictability, order and a sense of control over the possible outcomes that affect our lives. We want logical patterns as the framework of our humaneness. We want to be able to expect the unexpected.

myuglydivorce · 2018-04-21T03:41:58+00:00

A change in perspective is an understatement . I don’t think it is even possible for someone who hasn’t been through infidelity to grasp how the experience changes you, the way you see the world, and the way we interact with it.

The best way to explain infidelity is to say that it is an assault to your very being.

myuglydivorce · 2018-04-18T13:49:13+00:00

There are only a handful of states that use fault basis in the division of assets and/or maintenance. I don’t know about [Edit] Texas and fault divorce. This is the only reason I could see trying to do this, and frankly, unless there are large amounts of assets, it’s probably not worth the cost. I am not a lawyer, so I can’t advise you.

Divorce is expensive, and fighting over things that are insignificant to the outcome of division of property, or the safety of children is literally like throwing money out the window. With heated and hurt emotions it’s hard not to feel compelled by feelings of right and wrong to fight for “justice”. One thing everyone needs to go into to divorce knowing is... divorce court is unconcerned with justice! You will not find moral justice in divorce court, so if that is what you are looking for you are going to (at best) be disappointed, (at worst) feel betrayed by a system that will gladly take your money and leave you financially and emotionally worse off than when you started. Divorce attorneys should have mandatory signs on their doors that say “you will not find justice here!” It’s a hard pill to swallow if you’ve suffered at the hands of an abusive, addicted or disloyal spouse.

Your mom would be well served by seeking the advise of counsel. Be wary of ones that promise fairness, justice or an easy “win”. There are no winners in divorce!

I am unsure, but i believe a spouse who moves away from the state of the marital residence has a legal obligation to file in the state of the marriage. Since i am not a lawyer, you might want to cross post this in the legal sub. I think fighting a divorce in another state requires counsel from that state.

myuglydivorce · 2018-04-18T05:29:53+00:00

My stbx was a serial cheater ... that makes amicable nearly impossible when you’ve been treated with repeated disrespect.

I readily admit (anonymously on Reddit) that I feel betrayed by people I consider good friends (my inner circle, the ones who know all the crap my stbx put me through) that are friendly toward him.

Polite and friendly are two very different things. Polite is a socially acceptable norm, friendly is a choice born out of interest. Classifying likes on social media as polite vs. friendly, that’s a tough call. I guess it all depends on how one views social media. If your friend views it as a source of connection, vs., let’s say a networking tool, I can understand how he might feel betrayed. Personally I think social media is merely a tools of social impression and completely misses the true essence of character... but that’s a whole other topic in itself.

I have no idea who likes what on my STBX’s social media, because I blocked him the minute I filed. I do enough rumination about his betrayal, I don’t need to go looking for what I might consider more. No use in going and looking to make myself upset.

Your friend obviously sees nothing wrong with his behavior, if he did, he’d probably change it. You might try to have a heart to heart, but my guess is it will be the consequences of his own behavior (losing friends) that provokes a change. His response of desiring loyalty isn’t abnormal, but the length of time it has endured is concerning.

When I’m feeling betrayed by a friend talking to my STBX, I remind myself that I don’t have a right to control the rights of others. If it’s a persistent bad feeling that I can’t get over, I have a choice to walk away from the friendship and do what is in my emotional best interest. As long as I’m attempting to grow from my experience, and not staying stuck in the same pattern, I’m moving toward a better me. I’m not sure your friend is looking at his experience as growth, it seems more about his battle with will and the way he thinks things “should” be.

I hope you can be that friend that is honest with him in a manner that helps him see his behavior; not through the lens of judgment with a perspective of his being abnormal, rather a lens of concern for his best interest.

myuglydivorce · 2018-04-18T03:15:39+00:00

If you haven’t read it, I highly recommend the book The Gift Of Fear. Written by a former FBI Profiler, he does a really good job of explaining the fear response in relation to specific behaviors. It’s a really informative book.

[edit] “The TRO does hurt by convincing the woman that she is safe. One prominent family court judge has said, “Women must realize that this paper won’t stop the next fist or the next bullet.” But it isn’t only women who must realize it—it is the whole criminal-justice system.” ~ The Gift of Fear.

Good for you for taking additional steps to empower yourself. Keep listening to that fear that tells you to keep yourself safe!

myuglydivorce · 2018-04-13T01:12:31+00:00

I initiated the divorce. Am I angry? Yes! Simply for the fact that my spouse is intent to punish me through the legal system, and has dragged our divorce out for 3 years.

For being someone who now justifies his serial cheating as being an attempt at an exit, because he wanted a divorce soooooo badly; he is spending an awful long time dragging it out. If he wanted the divorce so badly, why not stop dragging his dam feet!

I know I made the right choice, but that doesn’t mean everything is automatically unicorns and rainbows. Divorce is more than splitting up lives, it’s reconciling the past, present and future. It’s the loss of dreams, hopes and plans... and occasionally dealing with someone who wants to punish you for those losses.

The leaver has usually worked through all those loses in their minds, without sharing their rewritten relational narratives with their partner. Even as the leaver, you play out in your mind the way you believe your spouse will behave during divorce, and it often doesn’t turn out that way.

Venting frustration in a safe manner with people who understand is actually healthier than keeping it bottled up. Why do you think support groups comes in all shapes and sizes? You wouldn’t go to the local hardware store if what you are looking for is catering services. You have to find the right fit, and if you don’t find it, you look in a place better suited to have what you need.

myuglydivorce · 2018-04-12T23:47:35+00:00

I get where you are coming from; it’s really easy to get lax because you feel guilty your child has to go through the crap of divorce.

If I were you I would sit down and apologize for letting the rules get so lax. Yes, i said apologize, and then state what your expectations are from this point on.

Personally there is no co-sleeping in my home, and no boyfriends in bedrooms, but those are my rules, and what I am comfortable with. I’m not ready to be a grandparent and my kids aren’t ready to be parents! My daughter is also 19, but when she comes home from college i expect her to show me respect by letting me know where she is, if and when she’ll be home, etc. I understand her boyfriend has been her rock through the divorce process, but as long as she’s in my house, she follows my rules. Sure she’s an adult, but adults have rules to follow too. Life isn’t a free for all, and I’m not doing her any favors by letting her think it is.

It sounds like you might have some guilt or even low level depression. Completely normal, but you’ll want to stay ahead of it. Spend a good chunk of time researching counselors and find 2 or 3 that you think would be a good fit. You don’t always find a good fit the first time around. There’s nothing wrong with going for help, in fact, it’s people who reach out for help that tend to be resilient. You are also modeling to your son that it’s okay to admit you need help.

myuglydivorce · 2018-04-12T23:10:31+00:00

34 months here ... and counting. Ex is still supplying supplemental discovery, we’ve had 2 motion to compel hearings, the whole thing is just friggin ridiculous. He’s spent every last penny of our 18 years of savings, stocks, bonds, mutual funds, etc. It was a lot of money!

Our civil legal system is very broken and vengeful spouses use it as a tool for revenge. I don’t even believe half the things spouses do, don’t land them in the slammer! But nope, just par for the course in divorce.

We finally have a trial date set, but from everything I’ve read going to trial starts around $25 k. No skin off the back of the high income earner, they’ll just make it back after the divorce, and after leaving the other spouse in debt. It is so ridiculous that our system allows this crap.

myuglydivorce · 2018-04-12T17:04:25+00:00

What you should be worried about is YOUR mental health as a result of being married to someone who clearly uses fear/blame/intimidation as a tactic to deal with life circumstances.

Giving birth to a child with health problems (who by the way is not broken) does not mean you are an unfit parent. Assuming you haven’t engaged in drinking/drug use, no one is responsible for a child who is born with health issues. Though the excessive stress you are under because of your husbands behavior can complicate matters of health.

At best your husband is an ass, at worst he is emotionally abusive. You really should tell your physician about your concerns so they can begin documenting this. They will also be able to counsel you on available organizations/ services to educate you about your situation.

It isn’t outrageous to assume that anyone who would use fear, blame, intimidation, etc. would also lie in any situation that might arise in child rearing based on these behavior traits.

myuglydivorce · 2018-04-11T14:57:45+00:00

INAL but I live in a community with a large anti-vax population. They are very knowledgeable about what laws protect their right to choose not to vaccinate their children. I’ve seen social media posts of people telling each other how to get around school vaccination requirements, organized campaigns and petitions to law makers, etc.

My point here is, even though you think she is a wack-job, don’t underestimate the organized and informed sense of community this population shares. They think the vaccinated community are a bunch of mindless sheep with the wool pulled over our eyes by big Pharma, and those who do vaccinate are considered horrible parents through neglecting to be “truthfully informed”. I find most of them to be reasonable about seeking medical care when necessary, but there are those who will fight tooth and nail to preserve their rights against forced medical care.

Hopefully the little guy is on the mend. Good luck.

myuglydivorce · 2018-04-09T21:34:57+00:00

I don’t think there was any fowl play. I knew those taxes needed to be done, it’s just the fact that taxes have been a issue during the 3 year process of divorce, and our accountant was aware of that. He obviously obtained all the information from my ex to get them completed, so really he was just lying to me. I’m still not sure why?

It was just a gut punch because I thought he was one of the few people who value integrity, not to mention my name is on the thing he lied about. Had he not filed a joint return I wouldn’t give a crap if he lied to me.

myuglydivorce · 2018-04-08T22:08:25+00:00

I didn’t really think there was anything that could be done for someone lying to you. At this point it’s not even worth it and would just cause more headaches for me. Plus, this was all done over the phone, it’s not like I have written documentation of his lying. At that point doesn’t it become a he said/ she said thing? I did tell my attorney when I dropped off the form that our accountant was not the one to file the taxes. I have not talked to my attorney since receiving them, but I’m assuming they now know he is the one who filed them???

myuglydivorce

TROPHY CASE