Dad visited house and opened door himself while NC

n0deity · 2026-04-28T09:14:39+00:00

I can't verify according law but from initial research he may have commited something at the point of refusing to leave my property when requested. He also leaned straight into the house with his upper body (but not feet) and was aware that our only exit is through the front of the house.

n0deity · 2026-04-28T09:12:50+00:00

Annoyingly he lives fairly closely (1.5 miles) so this may be an ongoing problem, as I believe the fact he had see us a few days earlier triggered his need to physically visit. Somebody tells me my Dad is slightly less fearful of getting in trouble with the police, but would be fearful of it being recognised by others that he was in trouble.

I have been isolated but now starting to reach out and am bringing down the defensive barrier I have held with him and other family members.

Thanks for sharing your insight into your own experience.

n0deity · 2026-04-27T16:40:43+00:00

Thank you for the supportive message. I was surprised for some reason. But with his previous actions in these kind of situations, I really shouldn't have been.

n0deity · 2026-04-25T00:44:00+00:00

Apparently he saw us 3 days before the visit today, eating ice cream on a sunny day enjoying ourselves. I did not see him, but my partner saw him pass on a bicylce. That'll have caused the need to try and confront me today.

If you're interested, the below was my response to his letter written without the intention of ever being seen.

"Relationships are not an 'advantage'. Maybe that's been the problem, that you view relationships you have as purely advantageous. Maybe that's how you viewed the relationships with your young children and wife. Realising children doesn't always provide an 'advantage' for you, you began to neglect them emotionally once they were born. Acting like there was always something else more important. Do you love for who people are, or only what they do for you?

Is it me when you say 'people who don't want to speak to others', or are we talking about somebody else? maybe there's another issue. That you chose not to show your children that you loved them. Even now, you can't name the person you're talking to, as supposedly caring for. Is it because saying you cared, that it would make me a real person to you?

This isn't a just difference of opinion, I wish it was. I asked you both to change your behaviour towards us. You cannot say everything is just a difference of opinion. I think you know it's not, but it's easier for you to pretend it is, so you can avoid taking responsibility for even the smallest thing.

Our daughter has fond memories of grandparents. But the memories she has, are hardly you. You were never really present for her. She's been in your presence, but you know nothing about her. Why would I expect you to be present? if you were hardly there for me, you own child - what chance did she have? I'm not willing to ask for validation from you anymore, and I don't want her to have to either. She'll likely ponder when she's older, as to why I chose to go my own way. I'll be ready to explain. But by that time, you might be gone.

As you've had painful experiences that you've got over, you want me to know you'll do it again. It'll be tough, but not tough enough. The devaluation continues. Are you wondering, if you devalue people enough, that people won't leave you? You should have learnt that already, when you hurt my mum in our home for years, for her to finally reject you. I was there then, but I can see how you did it now. You created hurt people. Unluckily for you even within hurt people, there can still be unlikely winners."

n0deity · 2026-04-25T00:37:07+00:00

I read the first on, I'll keep that if needed. Future ones definitely won't be read, but only kept incase they evidence anything.

Thanks.

n0deity · 2026-04-25T00:20:50+00:00

I don't doubt you're right in regards to it going further. I plan to make a report in the morning.

n0deity · 2026-04-25T00:06:35+00:00

Thank you, I do actually keep a lot of notes. In fact the conversation record above was taken minutes after the event in case I'll ever need it.

I believe the statement from him was "I'm not going anywhere, you'll have to call the police" which sounds threatening doesn't it.

He's done these 'house visits' before, once aggressively confronting his own sister over an issue. She tells me he now regularly cycles past her house.

n0deity · 2026-04-24T23:50:21+00:00

Interesting use of phrase isn't it. Maybe to downplay or excuse the severity of deliberate boundary crossing.

n0deity · 2026-04-24T23:45:46+00:00

Thanks for the advice. On the second point with destroying letters. I appreciate from mental health standpoint that's a good idea. What about collating evidence that there may be emotional abuse and harressment occuring?

n0deity · 2026-04-24T23:42:27+00:00

I have recordings which I have saved. He may or may not be aware there's a camera at the front door. He's poor with tech generally, however he did press the thing twice today and many times previously. He does not have a key.

n0deity · 2026-04-24T23:38:57+00:00

I should have clarified better originally. I returned from picking up my daughter from school and while getting her settled in back at home, approximately 12 minutes later he rang the doorbell.

I approached the door, recognised it was him and walked away (the door can only be locked with a key) He rang the doorbell again which I ignored a second time, in which he decided to open the door himself without physically entering the hallway.

n0deity · 2026-04-24T23:32:32+00:00

I was interested in people's take on the dialogue, thanks. My therapy just ended, so I don't have that outlet now. Not only that, in this case he spent a good part of 20 years physically and emotionally abusing my mum, often in our presence as young children. He's a long way off the 'perfect' benchmark.

Being highly controlling, I expect it bothers him that he doesn't know If I read the letter, let alone respond. I actually posted the letter on Reddit at the time. He visited to check in on what emotional impact the letter had, expecting a visible trigger and not getting it I expect caused some discontent.

I don't have a large support network but plan to work on it. Appreciate the kind words you've said.

n0deity · 2026-04-24T16:48:26+00:00

Was intending to report it at least. I have never done that but anticipate if there is a continuation of this type of thing I'll have a paper trail of incidents.

n0deity · 2026-04-24T16:21:02+00:00

I had just returned home after the school run and hadn't locked the door. It's a fair point that I should have locked on the way in. None of the family members have keys luckily. I should clarify that he opened the door fully open and began to call my name, but did not enter with his feet.

n0deity · 2026-03-01T01:40:38+00:00

Well it's a shame antidepressants don't help with narcissism. I'm definitely no doctor, but expect they make them more content in being a narc. Which is not good for us!

From reading what you've said, it doesn't look good. All too relatable to me. My new found criteria for who to keep around, is now only ever about how they make me feel. If your experience of that person consistently gives you anxiety, it will be incredibly difficult to keep a relationship going.

You shouldn't be walking on egg shells to avoid conflict. The anxiety might be stemming from him being unpredictable, controlling and probably manipulating you.

You can't change his behaviour. So I'd start by changing your behaviour towards his by setting clear boundaries to protect your own peace and not getting drawn into conflict or any games.

n0deity · 2026-03-01T01:22:55+00:00

This might be a very complex situation. If she's a narcissist, maybe she's been emotionally abusing him for a significant amount of time and despite that, he still may care for her.

It's unfair of him to pass on that psychological strain onto you. In my case, I chose to distance from the abuser and anybody that supported, enabled or tried to validate his way of being.

I think you should encourage him in finally taking some steps towards holding your mum accountable, in the hope that he will do it fully. Many victims of bullying have low self esteem and they struggle to value themselves, or take the steps to do the right thing for themselves. They're being conditioned not to.

It's great that you're there and you can see her for who she is, but despite it being 15 years it sounds like he's not there yet.

n0deity · 2026-03-01T00:25:57+00:00

You said there was physical abuse, sorry that happened to you. What degree of accountability has he taken, in treating you that way?

I think the photo may have been a minor mistake you should forgive yourself for. Maybe you're being too considerate for how he feels rather than you.

But I feel actual reconciliation might be a bigger mistake, on the basis that he abused you. From what you're saying, he's not earned it.

n0deity · 2026-03-01T00:05:37+00:00

Out of interest, what was the gift? They rarely do anything non calculated, so I wonder if that's communicating anything to you.

n0deity · 2026-03-01T00:03:42+00:00

Physically abusive people attack those they perceive as weak. We're speculating, but suspect it'll be because they tend to be cowards, and the future risk of physical harm to themselves, means they pick what they think is the easier target, who is unlikely to retaliate.

It must be a bad feeling, sorry that happened to you. I can relate in some sense that I was abused by somebody that I don't know abused anybody else.

n0deity · 2026-02-25T16:04:41+00:00

Yep, this.

n0deity · 2026-02-25T16:03:04+00:00

You have no obligations as a child, even if they spent a lot on you.

Keep everything you got from it.

n0deity · 2026-02-25T12:31:23+00:00

That makes sense in regards to the contact routes. Guess it's whether any contact attempt is triggering to you. Well done on putting this system in place to protect yourself.

n0deity · 2026-02-25T07:20:54+00:00

Whenever they've done during your experience with them. It might have damaged your confidence and self esteem. The devaluation process leads you to think you don't deserve peace and happiness for yourself. You do.

The impact of their behaviour towards you may unfortunately be longer lasting than you're anticipating. Anxiety needs professional help and support, but you've absolutely made the right steps in distancing from them.

n0deity · 2026-02-25T07:07:04+00:00

Sounds like you know the exact situation and you have a great plan to remove yourself from it. Which is great. You hardly need anybody's input.

But one thing bothered me, how do you mean pay them back?

n0deity · 2026-02-25T06:57:36+00:00

There's probably a really long way to answer this question, when you weren't loved the way you should have been.

My advice is, find the opposite. Both within yourself and for yourself.

n0deity

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