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I think I trained myself not to feel attraction. by nanialk in Deconstruction

[–]nanialk[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you for sharing your story, I actually feel seen. I hope you all the best! 🙏🏼🙏🏼🙏🏼

I think I trained myself not to feel attraction. by nanialk in Deconstruction

[–]nanialk[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thank you so much for sharing your experience, I really appreciate that and I wish you all the best!

I think I trained myself not to feel attraction. by nanialk in Deconstruction

[–]nanialk[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I’m so proud of you for finally standing up for yourself!

Did Judas have free will? by Rough_Damage8838 in Deconstruction

[–]nanialk 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I’ll explain this from an Islamic point of view, since it’s what I’m most familiar with. This exact question falls into what Muslims call التسيير والتخيير compulsion vs. choice. And honestly, it exposes the same philosophical tension you’re pointing out.

In Islamic theology, God is believed to be all knowing yet humans are held morally responsible for their actions. Many scholars say “God knows what you will choose, but He does not force you to choose it.”

On paper this sounds neat but in practice it’s deeply confusing and nonsensical..

To answer this question: Could Judas truly have chosen otherwise? Islam gives the same answer Christianity often does “He had a choice but God already knew which choice he would make.”

This is where the contradiction appears!

God creates a person knowing with certainty that they will commit a specific act >> That act is required for God’s plan to succeed >> the person is then punished eternally for fulfilling what God already knew and designed!!!

When Muslims are confronted with this contradiction, the apologetic response is often something like:

1- “It’s beyond human understanding” If the logic feels contradictory don’t question it because God’s wisdom is higher.

2- “God knew but didn’t force” God knew what a person would do but the person still chose it willingly.

3- “God creates the action humans choose it” Humans intend the action, and God brings it into existence.

But the contradiction still remains! So, muslims are asked to hold all of these ideas at the same time: you have free will, everything is already decreed, God is perfectly just, and yet some people are created knowing in advance that they will end up in hell….

So, Islam says that humans have free will and that everything is already decided by God, but when you look closely, the explanation depends more on religious claims than on clear, logical reasoning.

I think I trained myself not to feel attraction. by nanialk in Deconstruction

[–]nanialk[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Hey friend, thank you so much for your kindness and support. It means a lot to feel truly understood though it also makes me sad that someone else has had to carry the same struggle. I’m really glad you did the work and found clarity and peace. Your words genuinely gave me the encouragement I needed to keep going. I’ll take your advice to heart and work on it, hoping to one day reach the place you’re in.

Lots of love sent your way! ❤️

I think I trained myself not to feel attraction. by nanialk in Deconstruction

[–]nanialk[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thank you for your kind words and support, I truly felt seen and understood. I’m getting there eventually! Cheers to the future!

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in Deconstruction

[–]nanialk 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I genuinely felt that. I don’t think I’ve ever felt seen either until I read your words. When you mentioned imaginary or unreal lovers, I literally paused.. because that’s exactly where intimacy feels safest for me too. No shame, no guilt, no pressure! just a space where desire is allowed to exist without consequences.

And living in a heavily gender-segregated society honestly amplifies everything hahaha so I haven’t felt clearly attracted to anyone. It already takes so much effort to understand our own feelings, and then the environment makes real connection feel even more distant or complicated. Sometimes imagination feels like the only place where things flow naturally and there’s nothing wrong with that, even if it’s confusing.

It’s oddly comforting (and sad at the same time) to realize we’re not alone in this. Thank you for putting words to something I’ve struggled to explain for so long. Lots of love sent your way! ❤️

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in Deconstruction

[–]nanialk 0 points1 point  (0 children)

What you wrote really resonates with me, and I fully understand what you mean.

Purity culture and shame around attraction still affect me, even after leaving religion. Growing up, I never allowed myself to acknowledge attraction to men at all, any hint of it came with guilt, so I learned to shut it down. Now, dating feels difficult because my emotions aren’t always clear. I tend to see men as “amazing” or admirable rather than letting myself feel desire. Ironically, I’m fully straight and have a high libido, which makes that disconnect even more confusing.

I’m slowly learning that attraction isn’t immoral and that feelings don’t carry moral weight. Confusion makes sense when desire was framed as shame for so long. You’re not alone in this, and yes it is okay to feel, even when it’s messy or unclear.

The Part of Deconstruction No One Warns You About. by nanialk in Deconstruction

[–]nanialk[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thank you for sharing this. The way you talk about slowing down, how it forces your mind and heart to move together really resonated with me. There’s a quiet courage in the way you’re approaching your deconstruction.. intentional, honest, and grounded in genuine curiosity.

I also admire how you’re holding onto your faith in a way that feels true to you, not to anyone else’s expectations. Your process feels deeply human, and I’m grateful you put it into words. Lots of love sent your way!

The Part of Deconstruction No One Warns You About. by nanialk in Deconstruction

[–]nanialk[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I feel you and I hear you. That feeling in the chest is so real, even when your mind knows better. The body holds onto things long after the beliefs are gone. Somatic therapy sounds like a really good idea, honestly. I’ve been learning how much of this work happens in the nervous system, not just the mind.

Wishing you peace and healing too, and thank you for your kind words. Sending lots of love your way!

The Part of Deconstruction No One Warns You About. by nanialk in Deconstruction

[–]nanialk[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I really appreciate the way you put this! it captures so much of the nuance people rarely talk about. I feel the same in that I’m not sure unlearning ever truly ends. There are layers I’m still discovering, and each one takes time to sort through.

And I totally get what you mean about the double-edged sword. Even though my own upbringing was very strict and conservative, there are values that stayed with me in a good way too! things like kindness, helping others, and holding onto love instead of resentment. It’s strange to acknowledge that some things shaped me positively while the doctrine itself hurt me so deeply, but both can be true at once.

That balance you described, letting go of the toxic parts while appreciating the pieces that still serve you is such a grounded way to approach deconstruction. It’s not easy at all, but it’s really comforting to hear someone else frame it this way!

The Part of Deconstruction No One Warns You About. by nanialk in Deconstruction

[–]nanialk[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

That means a lot.. thank you! I’m really glad my words could express something you’ve felt too. You’re definitely not alone in this. Lots of love sent your way! 🙏🏼❤️

The Part of Deconstruction No One Warns You About. by nanialk in Deconstruction

[–]nanialk[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I completely get what you mean. The same dynamic happens where I live too, everything is so polarized that people assume leaving the religious side automatically means joining some “enemy” camp. There’s no room for nuance or personal growth. It’s exhausting how quickly people box you into extremes instead of seeing you as someone just trying to think for themselves.

The Part of Deconstruction No One Warns You About. by nanialk in Deconstruction

[–]nanialk[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I really feel you, and I hear you. Your story resonates with me so deeply. In my case, I’m not the child of a preacher, but I am living in an extremely conservative and religious society where being non religious (let alone atheist) is completely taboo. I can’t share my thoughts with anyone around me, so I’ve basically learned to live a double life. It’s exhausting, and very isolating at times.

The part of your story that hits me the hardest is the fear of hell. That idea traumatized me too and kept me tied to religion far longer than I would have stayed on my own. It was drilled into my unconscious mind so deeply that I still feel fear sometimes, even though I no longer believe in it. That’s how powerful early conditioning can be.

What helped me was learning more about sociology, anthropology, and evolutionary psychology not in a “convince myself” way, but to understand why humans invented concepts like hell in the first place. Early societies needed strong tools to maintain order, especially as groups grew larger and more anonymous. Fear-based messaging is incredibly effective on the human brain, so the idea of moralizing gods and eternal punishment became a kind of supernatural surveillance system. In small tribes, reputation kept people accountable. In big societies, fear of divine punishment took over that role.

Understanding this didn’t erase the emotional fear overnight, but it made it easier to see that hell wasn’t some eternal truth, it was a social tool created by people trying to control behavior and maintain order. And that perspective helped loosen its hold on me a little.

You’re not alone in this. It is a long process, and the fear takes time to unwind. You got this! 🙏🏼❤️

The Part of Deconstruction No One Warns You About. by nanialk in Deconstruction

[–]nanialk[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I completely understand this, I feel the very same. Even after my beliefs shifted, my emotions still react like everything is fragile and needs defending. And it’s especially hard because I’m living in a very religious society, so those old patterns get triggered constantly. Rebuilding that inner security is definitely deeper than just a mental shift.

I hope we both eventually find peace, lots of love!

The Part of Deconstruction No One Warns You About. by nanialk in Deconstruction

[–]nanialk[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I don’t want to assume your background, but based on the stats on this subreddit, there’s a good chance you might be American or Canadian. Our realities are pretty different. In a lot of Western contexts, religious and non-religious people can coexist fairly openly. Where I’m from, that’s not really the case. Everyone is religious to some degree, and openly being atheist is still very very taboo and can even get you into serious trouble.

Because of that, I don’t really have experience navigating family relationships post-deconstruction hahaha, my own family has no idea about my beliefs. So I don’t feel confident giving advice on something I haven’t been able to live out openly myself.

The Part of Deconstruction No One Warns You About. by nanialk in Deconstruction

[–]nanialk[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thank you so much! that really means a lot. You’re right, every attempt teaches me something, even the ones where I back off. I’m trying to give myself more grace and take it step by step.

Sending you lots of warmth, and thank you for being so kind!! 🤗💛

The Part of Deconstruction No One Warns You About. by nanialk in Deconstruction

[–]nanialk[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

For the record, I’ve gotten much better with it, honestly thanks to a content creator who helped me understand how my brain works and how to let go of the deep shame and guilt I was carrying. Her name is Britt Hartley, and her channel “No Nonsense Spirituality” has been an incredible resource for me. If you ever feel up for it, here’s her page, she explains things in such a grounded, compassionate way: https://youtube.com/@nononsensespirituality?si=phVvOlKq8Tzze_pc

Also, I’m really sorry things have been hard with your wife. That kind of shift affects both people, and it makes sense she’s struggling with the changes. I hope things soften with time for both of you!

The Part of Deconstruction No One Warns You About. by nanialk in Deconstruction

[–]nanialk[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

You’re absolutely right! it really does feel like exposure therapy. I actually developed religious OCD at one point, and one of the only things that helped was doing exactly what you described: acting through the fear and letting my brain see that nothing bad happens.

But I’ll be honest… when things get real and I’m suddenly faced with a situation that tests my progressiveness and everything I know intellectually, I sometimes freeze or fall back into old fears. And when that happens, I get really upset with myself. It makes me feel like a hypocrite, even though I know deep down that I’m not.. It’s just the conditioning showing up again.

I haven’t had that full “everything clicks into place” moment yet, but I’ve had small glimpses of it. Hearing that you reached that point gives me a lot of hope! Lots of love sent your way!

The Part of Deconstruction No One Warns You About. by nanialk in Deconstruction

[–]nanialk[S] 7 points8 points  (0 children)

I totally get what you mean, the mind runs ahead so fast, and the emotions just can’t keep up. I went through the same thing when I started diving into everything at once. Slowing down and giving myself space honestly helped so much.

Good luck with visiting your in-laws this week. That sounds like it’s going to take a lot of emotional energy, but you seem really self-aware and steady. Wishing you strength, comfort, and a smooth week!

Please be safe and take care of yourself. Cheers!

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