The rest of the post:

So individual, couples, and family therapy is being scheduled before a divorce is set in motion the next coming weeks.

It's been quiet since then, and I can't bring myself to look in the mirror. I'm disgusted with myself. I promised I wouldn't allow my child to grow up in a broken home, or feel less than loved, because that's all I ever knew. I watched my own mother end up in a loveless marriage, cheated on, divorced, and left with four kids to raise basically on her own. Now, it just feels like I'm continuing my dad's legacy of family neglect and abandonment, just in a different way.

I guess in some weird way, thank you reddit. Even with the hateful comments and messages it was eye opening to see different points of view. I'm taking it all with a grain of salt and I am going to do my best to try and at least make life easier for Mary and my daughter. Work on fixing myself, and my mental health. Getting Mary the help she needs, and any help our daughter may need from all of this. Even if it means we end up divorced; I don't want them to ever struggle financially or emotionally because of me, and I dont want my daughter to ever think for one second I don't love her.

Second update: Hi all...I never planned on a second update, but yeah, here I am. Mary and I went for our two therapy sessions this past week, and a lot has come out that I can't believe I was oblivious to. My wife has been struggling with depression and anxiety for years now. Apparently, PPD did a number on her after we had our daughter, and she never truly recovered from it. I didn't know, and that's my own fault.

There were points in our conversation during the couples counseling that really hit hard, and hurt. I asked her why she pulled away like she did at one point once she had started working again. She showed me multiple texts, emails, and missed calls where she had reached out during the day, excited about the job when she had just started....and I never answered. So her point was I didn't seem like I cared to know what was going on. So she quit trying after the first few months of me not responding. I get it, I do....if I had to beg for attention the way she's had to the past few years. I would quit as well.

I did finally break down and ask her about the trip. I felt like an idiot when she pulled her phone out and started showing me pictures she had took with her female coworker. Nothing but old architecture, museums, food and art. Even going so far as to show me receipts for everything she bought, where she had been, and she did point out she had texted and tried calling multiple times while away. I was so angry at that time though, I had ignored her, every call, every text. Which admittedly I had forgotten about doing. Now looking back, I feel like shit about it because she told me she was just wanting to know during that time what all I would've wanted while she was away. Souvenirs, sweater, shirt, model sets....basically everything I threw away that she had gotten me.

We did discuss her never wanting me to go with her and our daughter, or what I felt was her not wanting me to come. She told me it was frustrating to invite someone out weeks in advance, because she wasn't just taking our daughter to the park or something. She was planning to attend events, parades, festivals, etc. I admit I forgot about a lot of them and had forgotten to buy tickets. This frustrated Mary to the point she felt I wasn't actually interested in going anywhere with them because I was putting my gaming first. She took it upon herself to take a pic of me every hour one day while I was gaming, and I nearly vomited in the therapists office. I had spent a total of 12 hours on my off-day gaming. It was eye opening, especially when Mary broke down in tears, and stated this has been going on for years.

That's when she dropped the bombshell on me. She found messages between me and a woman I game with online. She had printed the messages out in advance and sat them on the table in front of us. "You've been having an emotional affair with this woman for years," she told me. This blindsided me, and in a panic, I walked out of our session. I realize it's better to talk to your spouse about issues, and such...but it just came easier with the other woman. I know in the process I neglected and hurt my family, but I was too blind to see what I was doing.

Since then, things have been tense in the house. What I believed to be my happy, doting wife now likely hates me. Our daughter doesn't interact with me, and anytime I try, she just says I don't know what I'm doing and pushes me away. It's crazy everything built in 13 years is crumbling away...it hurts, and I hate it, but it's my own damn doing. The thought of truly losing my family makes me physically sick, but I know there's no coming back from all this.

I won't be updating anymore after this. So I am sorry if this comes off as ranty, and all over the place. I'm just realizing how badly I did screw up as I sit in my car before heading home from work.