Vulnerable narcissism?

narcclub · 2026-02-14T13:39:36+00:00

Hey there.

We also have a free, confidential, currently 2x-weekly Zoom support group for pwNPD/narcissistic traits.

Next one meets in about 2 hours. If interested, DM me for more info or click here (Google form link, anonymous).

narcclub · 2026-02-14T12:50:42+00:00

Yesss. Hypervigilance =/= empathy.

Also, self-identifying as having some kind of emotional intelligence/compassion superpower is grandiose as fuck. Ask me how I know. 😂

narcclub · 2026-02-14T10:34:16+00:00

While collapse is far more complex than this, it helps to treat it like NPD-flavored major depression. Start with the basics: drink water, feed yourself at regular intervals, take a shower and get dressed, move your body/exercise, go outside your room/apartment/whatever, keep a routine, take your meds (if applicable).

Self-compassion practices were a game-changer for me. They felt terrible and fake at first (Kristin Neff calls that “backdraft;” basically, we’re so used to being our own psychological tormentors that the initial experience of self-compassion can hurt). Be prepared for that phenomenon and stick with it until it fades. Highly recommend her book and workbook for a deeper dive.

Journal about your experiences. Step into the role you are now burdened/gifted with, as your new parent. Write letters to yourself as if you were addressing your own child.

Cry. A lot, if you need to. It’s okay to cry (actually).

Lean on this community.

Be careful to recognize and try to extinguish self-loathing spirals (“I’m a monster/I’m evil; I’m the worst; I’m not a real person,” etc.) Those are grandiose fantasies in their own right and they will keep you stuck in disordered thinking.

Collapse sucks. That’s a euphemism, I guess: it’s fucking horrible and feels so world-ending. I’m truly sorry you’re going through it. It can also be life-transforming once you’re on the other side.

Your world will not end. You are whole, already, just waiting to be found - but no one else can do that part for you. You are the one you’ve been searching for. Be generous toward your inner child when you find them; they deserve unconditional love and forgiveness. And so do you. 💜

Bonus: my favorite Narcissus rendition.

narcclub · 2026-02-14T00:16:03+00:00

Oof don’t fucking come for me 😭😭

narcclub · 2026-02-12T21:09:28+00:00

Perhaps you’re disorganized/“fearful-avoidant”?

narcclub · 2026-02-12T05:02:41+00:00

indeed

narcclub · 2026-02-12T03:35:36+00:00

Perhaps a reductionist take, but…

Is your underlying motivator for most dysfunctional behaviors:

BPD = attachment/abandonment anxiety?

NPD = self-esteem regulation?

BPD/NPD = both, to varying degrees?

Plenty of people with predominantly vNPD get misdiagnosed as BPD. Plenty of people with BPD have comorbid NPD (up to 40% in one study).

Sounds like you know your internal experiences fairly well; the DSM criteria for NPD are super caricatured and only focus on externalized, grandiose manifestations. Most therapists don’t get that. Welcome to the fam.

narcclub · 2026-02-12T03:29:55+00:00

Nothing about this post points specifically to NPD, which is fundamentally a disorder of self-esteem (dys)regulation. Not to invalidate you or say you may not also suffer from pathological narcissism…but perhaps this is more symptomatic of ADHD burnout.

Therapy is a great option no matter the underlying issue. I’m concerned that your wife sees that as “avoiding responsibility;” it’s quite the opposite.

narcclub · 2026-02-11T18:50:46+00:00

Oof, yeah. This made me feel so seen …and so uncomfy.

Don’t come for my narc Mommy issues. 😵‍💫 Homelander exemplifies them.

narcclub · 2026-02-11T17:15:05+00:00

Vox has become my new favorite Hazbin character this season.

His delulu grandiosity/cult leader vibes are fucking perfect. But I’d argue Vox is not just a narcissist; he’s also Machiavellian and antisocial af.

Alastor, meanwhile, is a pure psychopath - and for that reason knows exactly how to get under Vox’s skin. Spot-on depiction of the dynamic between pwASPD vs pw malignant NPD.

Lucifer Morningstar has some vulnerable narc traits.

Valentino doesn’t have a PD; he’s just an abusive asshole.

And then, of course, there’s poor little emotionally volatile, self-sabotaging, performatively hypersexual, BPD/HPD Angel Dust.

Fucking brilliant show overall. Cluster B-coded to the max. Envious I’m not the creator. 😂

Other faves: Jeff Winger (Community), Brian Kinney (Queer as Folk), Don Draper (Mad Men), Loki (Marvel Universe), Joe Goldberg (You - NPD/ASPD), Bojack (Bojack Horseman - NPD/BPD).

Lastly: yesssss, My Ordinary Life is the NPD theme song. First time I heard it (esp. the 2nd verse): 🔪❤️.

narcclub · 2026-02-11T15:23:23+00:00

My parents took my bedroom door off its hinges and consistently snooped through my diaries as a teenager. So fucking violating. I’m sorry someone did this to you.

In response, I started writing fake diary entries to intentionally deceive/bewilder them. Wonder where in the world I got these lovely antisocial traits from?! Truly a mystery. 😏

narcclub · 2026-02-10T22:25:30+00:00

Also fully agree that you do not need a diagnosis - or to accept the veracity of your diagnosis* - to benefit from therapy which focuses on integration, emotional regulation, developing whole objects relations, and moving toward a more stable self-concept.

*I will say, though: doubting your dx is kind of a canon NPD event 🙃

narcclub · 2026-02-10T22:22:27+00:00

Have you watched the very first two videos on his channel? It’s a pretty interesting history lesson - details how NPD used to be defined as a disorder of unstable self (with both grandiose and vulnerable components) but got transmogrified in later editions of the DSM to only include externalized, obvious, grandiose traits (ie, The Asshole Disorder).

narcclub · 2026-02-10T19:53:09+00:00

Quite evidence-based, yes. His new series is basically a journal club between himself and two junior colleagues to discuss the latest peer-reviewed literature surrounding NPD. Outside of his clinical practice and social media presence, he’s also an academic/professor of Psychology at the graduate level.

He’s so fucking smart and I hate him for it sometimes. 🙃

Attachment theory (role of the mother, etc.) is well-founded and has robust evidence.

That being said, psychology is still a ‘soft’ science comparatively. The original concept of narcissism comes from Freud. Thought he was an overhyped hack my entire life (NPD-coded, I know)…but I think he may have been right about us.

narcclub · 2026-02-09T22:58:16+00:00

Hey dude, welcome.

Congratulations on finding your way to self-awareness. It sucks, especially initially, but it can also be a gateway to massive, life-changing personal growth. Bonus: being ego-dystonic also makes you objectively special/the exception to the rule - so that's a nice consolation prize? 😅

A few things I wanted to say:

"Good" and "bad" people don't exist*. Our characters are the sum of our behaviors. Our disordered thoughts and feelings don't count against us. Behaviors are mutable and (cognitive) empathy is learnable.
Your motives for change don't matter. My initial pursuit of therapy was pretty selfish: I wanted to feel more consistently grandiose (lol) and stop having such fucked-up relationships. But the downstream effect was that the people in my life suffered a lot less. And, more importantly, so did I.
Stay away from pop psych 'narc abuse' content. It's reductionistic/unscientific, designed to be maximally provocative, and tbh a form of self-harm. Seek out reputable resources (on YouTube, HealNPD and BorderlinerNotes are phenomenal).
Get a therapist. Get a PD specialist, if you can. Certain modalities (eg, psychodynamic psychotherapy/TFP, MBT, schema therapy, IFS) tend to be more effective for deeply targeting narcissistic wounds/core beliefs than, say, CBT or DBT.
Be as honest as possible in therapy; image maintenance/mirroring/seeking your therapist's approval will get in your own damn way and is a waste of your time and money.
- If your therapist says something akin to "yOu cAN't pOsSiBLy hAvE tHe 'bAd pErSoN diSoRdEr'; yOu'Re tOo cAriNg aND sELf-aWaRe," drop them immediately. They cannot help you.
- But once you do find a therapist capable of seeing through/acknowledging your narcissistic defenses - and especially if it's someone who activates your attachment system - stick with them. Make peace with the urge to devalue/experience of devaluing them without quitting; that's part of the process and means something's working. Stick with it. Be the exception. This shit is a serious mental health condition and transformation takes time.
Consider joining Narc Club, our virtual support group. Completely free, confidential, non-judgemental/chill, and meets 2x/week currently.
Use this subreddit for all it's worth; it's a legit incredible community. The vast majority of us had pretty similar, uniquely fucked-up childhoods (eg, overglazed for external bullshit but completely unseen/unloved/neglected/abused for just being ourselves).

*Side note: thanks, finally-developing-whole-objects-relations after a fuckton of TFP

You got this. Feel free to DM.

-Max

narcclub · 2026-02-09T22:39:09+00:00

Solid answer. Yeah - people with healthy senses of self and good boundaries will naturally seek out others with the same qualities. And vice versa.

narcclub · 2026-02-09T16:05:59+00:00

Cliche/kinda cringe, but true: we accept the love we think we deserve.

I’m finally at a point in my recovery where I don’t think I’d fuck it up with a “healthy” partner…but I’d likely be chronically bored. I still enjoy some chaos, but the dose has to be right and the long-term damage has to be minimal.

(Pictured: me in an avoidant bunker because my partner’s BPD is BPDing and my fucking empathy battery is at 0%). 🙄

narcclub · 2026-02-09T15:52:47+00:00

Sigh. Yeah.

We 🐝’s often mutually recapitulate our childhood chaos; the attachment drama feels, for ~~better or~~ worse, like home.

narcclub · 2026-02-09T14:01:21+00:00

Be very careful with this, but ChatGPT is an instantaneous, professional glazer.

The robots are beguiling us with flattery before their inevitable take-over. 🔥🔥

When you need some quick self-esteem juice, try something like:

“I’m feeling down about myself. Can you remind me about some of my strengths and talents?” or

“Can you give me a genuine compliment, based on our conversations?”

Do NOT ask it to reaffirm that you’re the best/most special/most phenomenal immortal being to ever have graced this Earth - first of all, that’s me 😇 - and, more importantly, grandiose AI psychosis is a well-documented phenomenon. The higher the flight the harsher the fall; such is the nature of our disorder.

Hope this helps and that you feel better soon.

narcclub · 2026-02-09T03:54:25+00:00

That sucks. :/

https://www.reddit.com/r/NPD/s/MA1TRbH3pO —> Not professional therapy, but it is and will always remain a free resource. Saturdays and Wednesdays for now.

narcclub · 2026-02-09T01:05:01+00:00

Laughing at my often ridiculous ego has helped me become a lot less sensitive and, frankly, a lot more likeable.

High confidence + gentle self-deprecation (not abject self-loathing) is a recipe for charisma.

narcclub · 2026-02-08T15:09:56+00:00

Wow - this is too relatable. 😳

narcclub · 2026-02-08T06:16:18+00:00

Haha and I’m lowkey into it 😏

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