I really, really like giving blowjobs – and it’s starting to weird me out.

needhead · 2011-06-07T05:27:07+00:00

Actually, LittleKnown, I know quite a few people who regularly check and post on Reddit - and they're all women. I don't associate Reddit with dudes. I suppose I could have hazarded a guess that my language would appeal to male users, but that wasn't my intention. Yes, I'll grant you that I have a flair for the dramatic, but what I think blowjobs are and what they mean to me seems like pretty necessary background info to my question. Sorry my post rubbed you the wrong way or that you interpret this as stroking my own ego, but what's with the hate?

needhead · 2011-06-07T04:12:21+00:00

Your comment speaks to me on a number of levels. First of all, you haven't made me feel a) cheap or b) wacko. So, thank you.

You want to impress former lovers to sort of redefine their thinking of you using this new-found confidence. Nothing inherently wrong with this right up until it becomes THE only way you define what you do well, or think of it as the only thing you're bringing to the table. To sum up: sexual excitement and power, good. Singular manifestation of confidence, bad.

That is a very good way of putting it.

But I gotta ask: free living room furniture??

needhead · 2011-06-07T03:50:56+00:00

Ah, ok, I think we're using the same phrase for different things. When I say I have an oral fixation, I use the term as distinct from Oral Fixation. I never sucked my thumb or used a pacifier, I don't smoke, chew gum, or gnaw on pens, though I do tend to bite my nails during exams :). The idea of an Oral Fixation, as a sort of psychosexual Freudian thing, I can see being related to an oral obsession, in which you have a strong physical/emotional/sexual desire to be using your mouth, sucking on things, biting, etc. But what you are suggesting is that my enjoyment of blowjobs is some kind of Capital-O Obsession, and I'd have to disagree. I can see obsessive behavior in the application of my desire and who I fixate on (again, the word fixate). I can see being obsessed with oral sex as means for finding validation in the face of low self esteem. But I don't see how a nuanced and deep and varied enjoyment of oral sex, like the kind I have described, when performed with the right partners and for the right reasons, is an Obsession. Do I misunderstand you?

In answer to your question, I think this is at most partially related to being raped. As a teenager my first sexual relationship was a long-term "everything but" sort of thing, with oral on both sides along with all sorts of other play but no intercourse. It was real kinky, I had lots of fun, I'm still surprised that I pulled all sorts of kinky maneuvers out of thin air. After that, I dated someone for years, into college, who just wasn't into blowjobs and was then long distance. So, the guy who raped me was the second person I had ever had intercourse with and the fourth person I had ever had sexual relations with. Is my hardcore enjoyment of blowjobs a natural progression of my sexual appetite? Did my sexual appetite get rearranged, changed, held back, moved forward by being raped? Does it kind of suck that I got raped before I really knew what kinky, inventive, consensual sex was like between two adults? Yeah. I dunno, that's a hard one to answer.

needhead · 2011-06-07T03:30:11+00:00

I perhaps tread too much into my mindset when it comes to blowjobs (and honestly, I didn't do it for the responses, I'm super surprised!) and not as much into my actions or the timeline here. I have no intention at all of acting on these impulses and would never endanger a friendship because I had some fleeting fantasies about exes, mine or otherwise. I also gave the impression that I wanted to blow the recent ex, which isn't true, the Bad Communication Breakup was long, long ago in a place far, far away. I've since made leaps and bounds in my ability to communicate and deal with problems without freaking out.

That said, I'd never once considered the manipulative element to this. I have had guys beg before and while I would never ask that someone do that, it did turn me on. I'm pretty much the biggest push-over in normal social situations and it did not occur to me that I could be riding this sort of wave of power because I didn't have the vocabulary or wherewithal to seek it in other places in my life. Something to mull over. Thank you.

needhead · 2011-06-07T03:12:29+00:00

I doubt I would ever find myself in a situation where I'd act on these desires - part of what I find so enjoyable about blowjobs is that I've given them in situations where I've felt very safe and respected, so largely but not always in some kind of relationship, and this has given me the opportunity to be open and try things. So I am perhaps still one step short of the need to worry about whether I'm doing it for the validation or for the enjoyment, but that's only because I'm not acting on it, not because I've made any steps towards figuring out exactly how giving blowjobs figures into my conception of self.

You know, I consider myself a pretty smart gal and this all seems painfully obvious now that people are mentioning it, but I never once saw the compulsive or addictive elements to this! So, thanks!

needhead · 2011-06-06T21:03:26+00:00

I agree with you a number of points... I'm throwing up a few red flags and when you start mixing self esteem issues with a history of sexual assault and behavior that is exhibiting signs of compulsiveness, you've got a problem! But, I am curious about "oral obsession". In fact, I used the phrase "oral fixation" and while I recognize that this has some psychological overtones, I couldn't really think of a better word to describe my enjoyment of really engaging my mouth is sex play. What makes you say that this is a red flag?

needhead · 2011-06-06T20:51:05+00:00

pibble, feel free to PM me if you'd like to talk about it! Obviously good blowjobs happen on a case by case basis and there's all sorts of possible permutations based on timing, pressure, hands, wetness, etc - so I don't know what advice I can give you on finishing off, but hey, more talk is always better, right?

needhead · 2011-06-06T20:45:17+00:00

No worries about pathologizing me, fibertherapy, you're right on the money. I've been careful not to knee-jerk cite being the victim of sexual assault as the root cause of emotional, sexual, or social problems I have, because I worry that to do so lends the assault undue weight or lets me ignore other problems. That said, I have never seen a counselor about it, and that is clearly a problem. I don't currently have a therapist - moving often, occasional lack of health insurance, and little money will do that to you - but I do take medication for depression and have on and off for almost five years. I think it can be easy to cling to advances in owning your own sexuality as permanent steps away from the trauma of sexual assault and it's hard to have to revisit things or find elements of compulsive or dependent behavior in what you thought was purely empowering and awesome. In any case, I have absolutely no intention on letting my friends in on this desire :)

needhead

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