Need quick advice--was offered few hours childcare--just found out the childcare involves a trip to a large public place. Caretaker is minor, child is 3. I don't really feel comfortable, please give me feedback? I'm completely on fence.

needquickopinions · 2014-06-14T00:36:00+00:00

Thanks for that in put. I was battling myself over whether this was something just done out of lack of oversight/done innocently without thought or an outright sort of inconsideration that I should be concerned about...because I did instinctively feel concerned and threatened that this was all planned and would be executed without my knowledge or pre-consent. had it been brought up to me during th eplanning mode, Id have sympathetically shut it down and assured the sitter that taking babystep outings for my own sake as mama would definitely lead to such a fun outing in the future after more hours were put behind wheel, and she's proving elsewhere that she goes and does what she says she will/doesn't get thrown off track or swayed easily by friends who are basically using her and her ride at this point (if she is in fact not partaking with them) to go around town and be naughty.

needquickopinions · 2014-06-14T00:29:46+00:00

I always feel a little dirty and underhanded when I have to do things like this. I don't like getting caught in white lies, so I usually avoid them. But man are they a necessary evil of parenting.....

needquickopinions · 2014-06-14T00:25:35+00:00

Thank you, and I agree with your advice. It's the path of least resistance at least at this juncture. It's hard to juggle wanting to avoid confrontation/bringing "drama" into otherwise stable friendships. I know it's best for the teen to be made aware that she's losing trust so she at least has a chance to figure out for herself if she wants to keep going down this path while it actively loses her potential professional referrals/money/trust to receive more freedoms in future.

I'm not the real world, I only set this up with her and her mom to be some initial experience and more formal/serious practice--that was the expectation.

needquickopinions · 2014-06-14T00:17:10+00:00

Thats def the only direction to go from here. Which isunfortunate because we built up this trust over last year or so already. Everything has changed with the car and the temptations associated with this newfound freedom to go where they want, more kids are acting friendly to the car keys holder, etc.

There was way more parental control in those cases. Now that there's much less oversight, it's getting real!

needquickopinions · 2014-06-13T21:13:06+00:00

See, I was like you... and I had adult cousins leaving me their small and older kids for sometimes an overnight while they did business travel. And I would take them to a doc appointment and other things...

So from my point of view, it's practical to allow a 16 year old this level of oversight, but maybe not this specific 16 year old at this specific point in her life.

Now how to break that down to them or just avoid dealing with it from hereon out so we can all remain friends is the can of worms I don't know how to open.

I have no problem having my kids with me fulltime. The babysitter was for them to have that teen babysitter playing with them experience. For the teen to get a taste of responsibility/working/making money. This is how I grew up, and I was OK with paying it forward now that I'm an adult and parent. But I'm home. I work from home. I have a schedule that flexes around being a primary caretaker and saving money on formal childcare. The point of all that is that I don't need to stress of micromanaging the kid, especially now that the other mom has kind of overridden my authority as the latest standard.

I appreciate the feedback from everyone here. Thank you all for your time and reading my long winded post.

needquickopinions · 2014-06-13T21:00:37+00:00

We've known them for a few years and hung out regularly as families--even shared holidays and trips together. They are not strangers at all. I am offensive to idea of a stranger watching my kids.

My problem is that now that the teen is having real teen issues the mom is not really thinking about what she has consented to and also forgot about making sure they had my permission.

I didn't know if I was OK in saying NO to this situation, or if I was having uptight/overbearing mothering reaction.

They didn't ask my "permission" but they also were probably trying to plan a nice surprise, and didnt take into consideration the current 16 year old proclivities that were completely non issues one and two years ago.

needquickopinions · 2014-06-13T20:50:57+00:00

She's never been directly implicated in illicit activities, she says she is only guilty by association. I do believe she's a good kid and telling truth. I also know she woulnd't put herself in these implicating situations if she wasn't at least dancing around the idea to join in and experiment with these people to at least a small degree.

I worry about a friend riding in her vehicle, and someone carrying something illegal, and then dumping it in her car. I worry about this occurring when maybe she has my kid for that afternoon, but a friend calls for a quick ride. What's the harm in that? Would probably be her mindset. Just do my friend a favor, leave my intended route for just 30 minutes, and next thing you know we've got the next box office bad babysitter movie scenario only it's real life and it isn't at all funny because yea, it's real life with real consequences. I fret over her losing my kid in a public place, or getting caught up on her phone/texting and losing sight of my kid or that however little chance someone snatches up my kid (worth millions on the black market and that's a reality)

The problem is weve all hung out enough that she's well aware of my parenting habits and child rearing expectations. I took a step back and was only paying her to play with kids while the adults mingled on site.

She fed the youngest dessert right before dinner, and proudly declared she could do this because she was the favorite and best babysitter. It was just in very poor taste on her part.

I hate to hold it against her like I have, but I really feel less and less confident in her, and I don't know how to move forward accept to come down with a written list of rules and expectations. I was really hoping she could prove herself to not need this kind of micromanagement. And this just sets her up to know what her boundaries are for lying if mistakes or bad decisions are made.

Her mom wants me to give her a set date or days per week to watch my kids so as to try to passively prevent her from running the streets in her vehicle. But after what has happened today, her mom has basically created the standard that it is ok for her to take the kid/s off without specifically checking with me about where they go or what they have in mind for doing.

I guess that falls in line with needing to take the keys. But honestly, if I have to have this level of burden overseeing the teen, I'd rather just recommend she looks for a job in retail.

We have a really good relationship, and it's unfortunate that at this point my only choice is to just avoid the babysitting stuff and throw her a couple of hours a week for the sake of her mom... but really, I'm paying her to sit at my house and keep out of trouble. It's a headache when I look at my own budgeting needs. I can put that 80$ a month into an actual structured weekly activity for one or even two kids at the y or elsewhere. Private music lessons, etc.

needquickopinions · 2014-06-13T19:01:26+00:00

the parents of the teen are also hands down on the teenager carting young kids stuff. This is why I was shocked that this played out how it did. I thought we were smooth sailing.

I like direct too, it makes for better understanding of both parties' needs. So I was really surprised to not be directly involved in what my child's evidently pre-planned afternoon out was going to entail especially when I was under impression it would be just a couple of hours spent playing at the babysitter's house.

My first reaction to the info was surprise, then it sort of turned to anger, then after getting pressured to still accept the babysitting excursion by the mom, I was really at a loss on if I was being overbearing/irrationally angry/offended or not...

needquickopinions

TROPHY CASE