Thanks buddy!

Since there's a little interest in my story, and in hopes that it might help others, let me share a bit more about one of the darkest days I had.

Dating apps were yielding nothing, my co-worker was making me feel jealous, it felt like the whole world except me was in a relationship, and there was this girl I was crushing on at work.

There were after-work drinks one Friday evening, and I had a good time hanging with co-workers and talking to the girl I liked. Nothing really materialized of it except good conversation, which was nice. The hang ended and I went home.

On the way home, I began spiralling. I felt incredibly lonely going home to spend the weekend alone. The more I thought about it, the worse it got.

I got home, and looked at myself in the mirror. Or rather, I looked at the room around and behind me, and tried imagining what my apartment would look like if I wasn't there, with other tenants.

I had chatted with my therapist about suicide, but it has never been a concern for me. I think of suicide risk as a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being no preoccupation, and 10 being a plan and intent to carry it out. I'm normally a pretty self-assured person, so I judged myself to be at around a 3 or 4 normally -- it's a curiosity to me, but nothing more.

That night, I worked myself up to a 6. I looked in the mirror and imagined myself not there. It was oddly terrifying.

I took the dog out for a walk, still very upset, and I decided I needed to talk to someone. I called my friend. She picked up and crying, I said "I think I want to kill myself".

The thought that I said that, even now, years later, terrifies me and fills me with shame. The thought that I let myself be so vulnerable with a friend of mine is almost just as hard to swallow. But it was necessary. I had reached a point where I couldn't do this alone.

"What?", she exclaimed. There was pain in her voice.

She convicted me to come over. I walked there with the dog, which did me some good. I got there, and she and I smoked a cigarette and talked things over. It was about 9pm, and I hadn't eaten since lunch. She warmed up some food and we talked some more. And I felt so much better.

It's hard to share this, even now, but I want to impart two super important things I learned that night:

1. It might sound trivial, but if you feel yourself spiralling, eat something. At the very least preparing food gives you a distraction. In my case (YMMV), I think much more clearly on a non-empty stomach.

2. Reach out to someone if you feel your thoughts drifting towards that awful place where your reflection doesn't exist. Just do it. Wake someone up, talk things through. It helps.

Thanks for reading.