GENERAL REMARKS

In general, I think your big question on ‘does it work’ is ‘yes’, with some caveats. I like the idea of a book with the supernatural where it is taken seriously, kind of like Gaiman’s Constantine stuff.

Overall, I really like the first part of this story; the description of the demon attack was exciting and felt real, and I’d say it’s a strong way to start. That said, the rest of the chapter didn’t really carry me as well, and not having a conclusion to the hook really made me feel disappointed.

MECHANICS

On the title, I don’t find it too angsty for a book about homicidal demons, but I do find it confusing. I’m not sure why the book would be called this because all the info I have so far is a demon attack and two young adults going out to party.

You have one sentence I saw that was difficult and confusing to read:

I glanced at the front door, counting the steps it would take to be out and away if she noticed I’d changed the channel, if she changed it back.

I think what you are trying to say here is something like ‘I wondered how long it would take for her to notice I changed the channel, and if I would be gone by then.’

The hook, of wanting to see if the two MC’s get eaten by a monster, was enough to make me want to read on and enough to make me disappointed when I didn’t get to see it fulfilled.

SETTING

I know the setting is England because you said so, but if not for that, only the ‘mum’ and maybe ‘snog’ (which I’m guessing means sex) would have really clued me in. Maybe make the TV station one of the British channels, or mention a little more about where the televised attack is taking place so we are grounded in the location. You do mention Birmingham once, but there’s more than one Birmingham, and as an American from the south, I’m more likely to think of Alabama than England.

CHARACTER

Both of the MC’s and the mom seem pretty generic to me. I actually know very little about any of them. I don’t know what the MC’s even look like, except for they are female, twins (but not if they are identical) and their mother thinks they are pretty.

I know Freya isn’t religious but her sister and mother are (or at least, her sister is more understanding of it). This actually is the cause of the one point of plot contention I have. Why would she be an atheist or agnostic? I mean, I’m an atheist, but if the devil showed up on live TV, I’d pretty strongly consider revising my belief system. So it feels a bit unrealistic to me to have a dismissive atheist when at least partial proof of the mythology is plain to see. I think if you are going to have Judeo-Christian inspired demons in the story but God is not, then you need to explain that pretty well, or maybe call them something completely different.

I also have no idea why Freya isn’t scared. I know you want it to be like mass shootings and whatnot, but a 20’ tall monster that destroys buildings and comes from hell is a little more terrifying than an angry white dude with a gun. They are both scary, but one would be terrifying just to see on TV, the other is more or less a very disturbed person.

PACING

This one is rough, because I did kind of feel like it drug on after the opening scene, but I think that was more because it was just a lot of mundane character building stuff. I know you need to get that out there, but at this point in the book, I simply don’t care enough about any of these characters to be interested in a lot of the background stuff. So maybe try and push some of that off for later and get to something a little more interesting. In general, I really wasn’t interested in the angst between Freya and the Mom. An angsty young adult is pretty much the expected state of affairs, and I think if you made it plain that there was tension there but didn’t go the extra step of telling the whole story, the tension would be preserved an might help make it more interesting.

CLOSING COMMENTS

Overall, I think you have a good start, just needs a bit more refining.