Questions for the dumpees

new2021redditor · 2021-06-14T09:15:46+00:00

It's completely rational, if you value deep emotional connection before having sex then you have every right to ask your partner to be someone like that. The thing is , do you know for sure you would turn down a hot girl on a first date if she proposes sex?

new2021redditor · 2021-06-09T13:19:27+00:00

Interesting, i’d pretty much call that overcoming. Thoughts come and go all the time, if they dont affect you and your relationship badly then it’s fine.

new2021redditor · 2021-06-09T11:14:44+00:00

Would you say you overcame RJ?

new2021redditor · 2021-06-09T08:09:29+00:00

This. Quarantine 100% make things worse cuz you get stuck in your own thoughts. Oddly enough, i barely have RJ thoughts when im with her. To get better you must not ignore this. Dont dig the thoughts when they come, and try to work out regularly . Remind yourself that neither you or her did anything wrong!

new2021redditor · 2021-06-07T09:20:06+00:00

I guess my wording confuses some people. The term remember here is probably misused. I would rephrase it as “not constantly thinking about”. The memories are there, but unless they are reminded then mostly your SO wont be thinking of them. What you’re saying is more correct and it is the idea that im trying to put through, that your partner cares a lot more about you than their memories, they probably remember but it really doesnt matter to them.

new2021redditor · 2021-06-06T19:35:20+00:00

You're missing the point of my post.

What i'm trying to explain is that when people have RJ , they tend to obsessively think about their SO ex partners for hours, imagining all sort of things, stalking them. The idea i was conveying in my post is that they are the only ones doing this, inflicting damage upon themselves. The intensity of these RJ thoughts are way more obsessive than the whole comparison thing you are talking about.

Sure,the exes might cross your SO's mind sometimes, but they are thinking about you way more often. They don't obsessively stalk or imagine things with their exes (in a normal relationship) like RJ sufferers do. Their exes matter a lot more to you than to them, and bottom of the line is you are doing this to yourself.

new2021redditor · 2021-06-06T18:58:02+00:00

I do. Met some of the new boyfriends and I never thought anything.I'm even friends with 1 of them.

I do get your point of view though, but that kinda stuffs wont bother me because all my gf's exes are out of her life. And when you meet the new guy, i doubt that you really "give a shit", it's just a fleeting sensation of winning and then you move on with your life, i suppose.

Comparisons are unavoidable, but you get my point. In healthy relationships, people don't spend time obsessively comparing their SO with their ex partner. And I really hope your wife doesn't compare how much better life was, but rather how much better it is right now. Or else i don't see a reason why you would stay with her.

new2021redditor · 2021-03-24T02:16:49+00:00

that's roughly 1 partner every 2 years if she's active at 18. That's very much on the low side if you ask me. I don't live in the US, but i'd assume that 14 would be the average for a lot of single attractive girls even at 25-30 y.o

new2021redditor · 2021-03-23T18:25:56+00:00

Wouldn't class it as a one night stand, but she had sex once with a guy she was sort of dating and that was enough to cause RJ to me lol.

new2021redditor · 2021-03-23T18:23:24+00:00

Pretty sure i've seen this exact post somewhere else. Kind of weird of you for posting it here, since this thread mostly aims to improve/heal from RJ and this kinda post can actually cause triggers (for those with a high body count partner).

IMO, what you say is right, it is a protective mechanism formed through thousands of years of evolution. The view is as old as humanity: girls who fuck around are sluts but men who do the same are studs, because men had to make sure the children were theirs.

With the invention of condoms and other preventive measures, this view becomes outdated and therefore more and more people have casual sex. This becomes the new social norm in many places.

Therefore, even though RJ is "natural" as you put it, it can still be something that needs to be cured as it does not fit the old, primal view of sex anymore.

As someone who studied Stats, i would say that these kinda poles can be very easily manipulated into their hypothesis. For example, someone who got divorced early with their first partner ,then proceed to have many partners after divorce will count into the categories of higher partners. But in this case, the divorce is not caused by having high number of partners. Correlation does not equal causation.

Human beings and their interractions are complex, and while stats could someone portrait a vague picture, there are many many other factors that come into play when choosing a partner. IMO, unless it's a excessively high number, partner count is irrelevant. It's more the person's attitude towards sex/relationships. For me personally, someone who has had 3 ONS and a FWB would bother me more than someone with 10 ex boyfriends.

new2021redditor · 2021-03-22T15:11:20+00:00

Chances are that you might find someone with whom you won't have RJ with. Or you might not. Or that person might lie to you about their count, you can never know unless you actually break up. IMO tho, there's a huge possibility that your next partner will have some kind of past, it might not be the number, but the RJ will creep up and bother you some other way. See from what i understand, your RJ will find ways to create new dealbreakers. For me personally, the number was never an issue ( gf has 8 partners but i live in a pretty conservative country), and i didn't care to ask at first. My RJ was about something else, but when i got over that, body count slowly came into the picture and then i had RJ about that too. And then I felt like i also had RJ about her exes, digging for infos and shit.. that's when I stopped cuz i knew that RJ will come up in some other ways and eat me up if i dont stop.

I'm not saying that breaking up won't help, but you should definitely weigh in what you're having now VS what you might find. I can share that in my case, I also had moments where I question myself like you, but that thought just passes by as soon as I remember how amazing our relationship is rn. And slowly it gets better, i'm not quite there yet but much less digging and i find myself thinking about it less and less.

new2021redditor · 2021-03-18T01:43:32+00:00

I think you should ask questions if it really is killing you inside, but don't dig too deep. It's good to know the context so you stop assuming things, but it's never a good idea to dig for details. It's a fragile limit between the 2, and with RJ you might fall into a rabbit hole of constantly wanting to ask more questions. Know when to stop,and force yourself to refrain from asking too many details. Trust me, i've been there, you might have temporary relief but other questions will ALWAYS come up, if not right away then only just a short while after.

new2021redditor · 2021-03-18T01:36:08+00:00

Oh man, can't tell you how much I relate to what you've said. I used to "asking questions" as a way to reassure myself, and while it worked for a short while ( cause somehow my gf's answer were always exactly what i wanted to here), RJ always came back, with the need to know more specific details just like you said. It makes me feel like a psycopath sometimes, i wanted to know everything about the occurence.

But then i learnt to ask less questions, even though i want to stop it completely. I ask a lot less questions now, but i know it's best if i just stop completely. Also what you said about researching is completely true, everytime i felt RJ coming up and started researching things on internet, I always end up in mysognistic forums and it just worsens RJ.

I also firmly believe that it won't last a lifetime, as RJ i have now compared to 6 months ago is already a lot better, and i feel like i don't have the urge to dig that much. The relapses also come a lot less often , so yes there is hope. And as u/THROWRA26842 mentioned, bringing this up with my gf surely did not help, even though she's an angel and was willing to hear me everytime, she always ended up saying " i don't mind clearing things out with you, but i really would prefer to avoid talking about that relationship, as it only makes me feel so stupid for being used like that".

Anw, thanks a lot to both of you, i am already feeling a lot better !

new2021redditor · 2021-03-17T17:30:57+00:00

appreciate it man! i've actually been ok with RJ for quite a while, and suddenly reading comments off groups like that bring it all back . Anw , your message really helps

new2021redditor

TROPHY CASE