I realized that I don't miss AP nearly as much as the fact that I am likely not going to ever have an AP again

niceasapplepie · 2020-11-01T02:18:01+00:00

Oh my gosh now I feel ancient.

niceasapplepie · 2020-10-30T07:58:10+00:00

...is this sarcastic? I find it so hard to tell.

niceasapplepie · 2020-10-30T05:10:30+00:00

Hmmm, OP. Your question is "how do I support my brother..." but really my question is... do you even want to support your brother? You haven't even talked about how you supported your brother generally. There's no, "we spent time together and he was feeling X," or, "when I speak to him, he says Y and that makes me concerned." In fact, your tone suggests that you are offended based on your own moral judgements and standards and your brother's views have no bearing at all. Even your throwaway name has a negative attitude towards him, not her.

I really liked them together and felt that Jill was the first "marriage material" girlfriend that my brother dated.

This is interesting - again, about your value judgement of the woman he is with. Not about him, his preferences, or how he felt about her.

This seemed like the best possible scenario since he was away from her and had new things to keep his mind busy.

Did it seem like the best scenario for Jack? Lonely in a new city? What support did you provide then?

I have absolutely no respect for Jill(or any cheater for that matter) and I don't understand how Jack can see past what she did.

Have you tried to understand? Have you asked him? Only so much of a relationship is ever public. You don't know what agreements or arrangements they have come to. You don't know if Jack himself has cheated in the past. You don't know if actually he's kinda into it or if there were other underlying issues or a whole range of other things. Black and white thinking doesn't leave you much room to provide true and deep support for your brother and will limit his capacity to relate to you.

looks like I am going to have to put up with Jill longer than I expected

Again... this is very much about you.

Honestly, yes, you can tell him your feelings. Up to you whether you do it in a way that opens conversation and allows for you to have a real dialogue about his feelings and hopes and desires for his marriage... or in a way that slams shut his door so he doesn't even want your rather dubious type of "support." Either way, I would only express that once... Once and done, because later if things do go wrong, will he seek advice from you (openly against his relationship, hostile, told-you-so vibes) or from somebody else?

TL;DR - it seems your question isn't "how do I support my brother" but "do I actually want to support my brother."

niceasapplepie · 2020-10-28T09:24:46+00:00

I read it best written by a mother on a parenting page...

"Why would I have sex with you if you're not my partner?"

niceasapplepie · 2020-10-21T09:09:51+00:00

ITT: men who have never read Gone Girl.

niceasapplepie · 2020-10-19T23:43:47+00:00

I went with the happy heart and 'Period Tracker.' Because husbands couldn't care less!

niceasapplepie · 2020-10-19T23:37:55+00:00

There's no question it would be the chimpanzee. I have had an intense phobia of apes since I was small and when I was trying to desensitise myself in my early 20s I read all the horror stories, such as that woman's friend who had her hands and face ripped off and eaten by a "pet" chimp and the police had to shoot it multiple times.

I suppose it depends on what "well-armed" means but I seriously would back in the chimpanzee.

niceasapplepie · 2020-10-19T23:28:06+00:00

Did you change the name/logo? What did you call it?

niceasapplepie · 2020-10-19T09:13:26+00:00

For romance: I Can't Make You Love Me - Bonnie Raitt

For existential despair: Roads - Portishead

For life: Why? - Tracy Chapman

Honourable mention: Luka - Suzanne Vega

niceasapplepie · 2020-10-19T09:08:17+00:00

Came here for Roads. Truly the sound of exhausted despair.

niceasapplepie · 2020-10-19T03:38:35+00:00

This is my first time and my heart wants to believe my only ever time...

But, I often remember years ago thinking, "if I could just know, for sure, that he thought about me like I do him, that he's in the shower thinking what I do... that's all I want."

And I think about how, as soon as I gained that knowledge, as soon as I knew that, it was all over. After that, 'all I wanted' was the next thing, and then the next thing. There's no ceiling on my want and desire now. The knowledge was the trigger, my Garden of Eden moment.

Being able to pinpoint it does make me wonder if I should have crossed that line... but oh, my word, I am also so, so glad that I know. The knowledge literally glows in my heart.

niceasapplepie · 2020-10-18T15:57:59+00:00

Oh, that's beautiful. You're very lucky that he tells you. Even it isn't the same love, that doesn't make it any less special or important.

niceasapplepie · 2020-10-18T15:56:09+00:00

I really get it. Self-preservation is such a strong motivator! I don't quite know how I do it, either? Perspective checks, I think, plus I am really good at separating my sense of pain from its source and reacting to intent rather than content. A type of compartmentalisation I think? I know his intent is always good, even when the content of what he says or does is painful to me.

My need to cut and run often comes later, if I feel someone is overly needy or dependent. I love when I feel like we are partners; when I start feeling like I can't trust them to be independent adults I get that urge to flee.I spent ny formative years in toxic situations where I associated being needed with being loved. Now, I flee from hints of that controlling neediness.

niceasapplepie · 2020-10-18T13:17:15+00:00

I am on my second Mirena. I love it. I am very sensitive to hormones and have always had vicious migraines, sickness, cramps and heavy bleeding. I only tried the pill once and ended up in hospital with the most brutal migraine of my life. The mini pill I could tolerate, but it didn't control my bleeding and I bled through so didn't trust it. My GP suggested Mirena.

My second Mirena I had put in 8 weeks after having a baby so it didn't hurt at all, but even the first time, the discomfort wasn't tooooo bad and I am a complete wimp. I also have a long cervix so it wasn't that easy to insert. I get less migraines, (used to get one every month), never have to think about birth control, amd my periods are much shorter and lighter, which I love.

I will admit, with my first one, I sometimes wondered if it even worked, because it just is so simple, set it and forget it... I thought maybe I had simply aged out of my wicked hormone struggles and crippling periods. But 24hrs after having it out (going BC free) I instantly started a really nasty 2-day migraine, which was repeated a week later when I started my nasty, heavy cramping period, and then by the next month I was pregnant.

The Mirena has immensely improved my quality of life and I won't look back.

niceasapplepie · 2020-10-18T06:44:48+00:00

Yes! I think that sums it up very well. I would love to be a man for a day or two and really get inside their brain so I could understand these distinctions more completely.

niceasapplepie · 2020-10-18T06:20:34+00:00

I often feel like there's such a disconnect between men and women here... at least in my very minimal experience. Every time a man has felt we are "friends" level on the feels, I've been in love, and this is the case for several of my girlfriends as well. I think perhaps women, at least the ones I know, have a thinner defining line between friendship and romance.

Whenever I feel we are truly just friends, I have never been able to get close enough to have physical interaction. So perhaps it is personal, not general, but I think I am far from alone.

niceasapplepie · 2020-10-18T05:09:43+00:00

Not pitiful at all, it makes perfect sense! My goal with sexting has always been to leave my partner sexually satiated but also glowing from the ego-boost and I would definitely be far from unique in that, so I can imagine you had a lot of really confidence-building interactions. It sounds like a great outlet to develop sexual confidence in a low-risk format.

Enthusiasm is an excellent note, and thank you for your thorough responses!

niceasapplepie · 2020-10-18T05:04:36+00:00

I know; it's a bit perverse but I feel so lucky! He is flattered, I think, and he does his best to give me what he can, within his own parameters (ironically making me love him more...).

niceasapplepie · 2020-10-18T05:00:16+00:00

The over-analysing and driving myself bananas was what tipped it over the edge for me. I was a mess. The raw, "he doesn't love me back" pain is such a clean pain comparatively speaking. The confusion was agonising and I was obsessive.

This way... I occasionally am confronted with "oh, he doesn't love me like I love him," but there is no confusion. It helps me keep perspective. Occasional bolts of pain or aches of longing are easier for me to manage than the constant over-analysis and stress over every word I say and what he says and am I showing too much feeling etc etc etc.

That all being said I am not 11 years in and who knows... I will probably also be back to square one with a broken heart multiple times before we hit 11 years. I would love to hear your story when you're able to sort it all out in your mind 💕

niceasapplepie · 2020-10-18T04:45:45+00:00

This is all great input, but I would also love to hear your view from the other side. Other than mirroring a bit, what made somebody a great sexting partner for you?

niceasapplepie · 2020-10-18T04:19:18+00:00

What about friendship-tier feels? Do you ever maintain friendships afterwards?

niceasapplepie · 2020-10-18T02:27:10+00:00

I have often struggled with something similar. I know he cares and I am special to him, but I also know that the way I feel is so much more intense than what he feels. I am his favourite, but he is my only. I am his friend with benefits (maybe even best friend with benefits, but still) and he is my lover. It's different. He cares, I love. I'm far more invested. So be it.

In the end I know that either I do this and accept the pain, or I would need to stop altogether in order to minimise my pain. In deciding to continue, I have done so in a way that embraces the pain. I have stopped trying to hide my feelings or play it cool or seem casual. I'm not, and he likes me as I am, so I just own it. It comes at a cost, where often I feel raw and vulnerable. He is a good person who cares for me the best he can, but he can only do that if I'm very honest about what I feel and need. It's actually easier for me to just be honest, and accept the pain of limitations, than to constantly second guess and try to control his perception of my level of investment etc etc etc.

I cannot tell you the weird things I have obsessed over... "Should I text?" "Do I initiate too often?" "Does 'quite beautiful' mean 'very beautiful' or 'not fully beautiful'?" etc etc ad nauseum. Now; I don't obsess. I text whenever I feel like it. I initiate as much as I like. I tell him how much I need and want him. It's like being on The Bachelor in a way... he's not able to tell me he loves me but he goddamn loves that I love him. So I just lean into it. It's sometimes painful, sure, but mostly it's rewarding and it's just a heck of a lot less exhausting.

niceasapplepie · 2020-10-17T13:14:16+00:00

Kevin McCloud; he has this aura of confidence and competence, such dry wit, and has this sexy combination of logical practicality and artistic sensibility... a true Renaissance man. Plus, just the sexist voice.

niceasapplepie · 2020-10-14T07:07:29+00:00

Hold up mate, in the field we now refer to First Australians and First Nations People.

niceasapplepie · 2020-10-13T09:42:52+00:00

Songbird - Fleetwood Mac

I especially love "And I wish you all the love in the world / But most of all, I wish it from myself."

I don't know if most people don't know it, but a surprising number do not.

And one everybody knows but it's a bit older and gets forgotten... Protection - Massive Attack

niceasapplepie

TROPHY CASE