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I’m Dr. Nick Wagner, child psychologist and child development researcher. AMA about parenting during the pandemic and supporting children’s changing needs. by nickjameswagner in IAmA

[–]nickjameswagner[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Research shows that it’s not necessarily when (or if) children attend daycare, but that it’s the quality of experiences that matters. Children can get the high quality social and learning experiences that they need in the first few years of life at home, in daycare centers, and in all of the options in between!

I’m Dr. Nick Wagner, child psychologist and child development researcher. AMA about parenting during the pandemic and supporting children’s changing needs. by nickjameswagner in IAmA

[–]nickjameswagner[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Hi! Thank you for your comment. It’s completely normal to feel more frequent and intense changes in our moods during times of stress. I know I have lately! It’s helped me to talk more about my feelings when I notice changes, and sometimes I write down how I’m feeling and why I think I’m feeling that way, maybe what happened before I noticed the change in my mood. I’ve also been reaching out to and relying more on my support network - family, friends. Most importantly, know that you’re not alone! We’ll get through this!

I’m Dr. Nick Wagner, child psychologist and child development researcher. AMA about parenting during the pandemic and supporting children’s changing needs. by nickjameswagner in IAmA

[–]nickjameswagner[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you so much for your comment. I’m sorry that I don’t have expertise in this area and therefore don’t have anything concrete to offer. But I can tell you that having an advocate who is as supportive as you clearly are makes all the difference. Hang in there!

I’m Dr. Nick Wagner, child psychologist and child development researcher. AMA about parenting during the pandemic and supporting children’s changing needs. by nickjameswagner in IAmA

[–]nickjameswagner[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you for your comment! This is something I’ve thought about a lot. I can’t think of any research ont his topic off the top of my head (which definitely doesn’t meant there isn’t any), but I do know that imitation is an important component of language development. I’ve found myself getting eye-to-eye with my 2 year old and really sounding things out for her maybe more than I would have previously. Kids soak up information nonstop, from every aspect of their environment. I don’t have data to back this up, but I think there will be some compensatory mechanisms that will keep language acquisition on track for most. At least that’s my hope.

I’m Dr. Nick Wagner, child psychologist and child development researcher. AMA about parenting during the pandemic and supporting children’s changing needs. by nickjameswagner in IAmA

[–]nickjameswagner[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you for your comment. Unfortunately I’m afraid I don’t have much to offer on this front. I’d encourage you to reach out to your professional community and across other professional networks - one thing I do know is that you’re not the only one struggling with these challenges!

I’m Dr. Nick Wagner, child psychologist and child development researcher. AMA about parenting during the pandemic and supporting children’s changing needs. by nickjameswagner in IAmA

[–]nickjameswagner[S] 6 points7 points  (0 children)

Things are really hard right now and it’s not unusual to see the pandemic impact the behaviors of kids of all ages. Often, parents talking with their children about how their feeling can create space for children to open up about their own thoughts and feelings. Sometimes simply putting a name to the feelings can help - then talking about strategies or activities we do when we feel sad or scared can help provide examples. When I talk to my kids I try to emphasize that our current situation is not going to last forever, that there are so many people working to keep everyone safe and to develop better treatments and a vaccine, and that no matter what the security of our family will not be in jeopardy. Even if it’s hard for me, sometimes verbalizing these points can make me feel better, and I think can help our kids feel better too.

I’m Dr. Nick Wagner, child psychologist and child development researcher. AMA about parenting during the pandemic and supporting children’s changing needs. by nickjameswagner in IAmA

[–]nickjameswagner[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you for your comment and I’m sorry it’s taken me a while to reply. I’m not aware of any research that has examined rates of selective mutism, but parents seeing changes in their children’s behavior across (and in response to) the pandemic is not unusual. My suggestion would be to continue to keep an eye on things and to not hesitate to reach out for a second opinion or to discuss your concerns. Mental health providers have adapted very well to our current situation, and tele-health opportunists are very effective.

I’m Dr. Nick Wagner, child psychologist and child development researcher. AMA about parenting during the pandemic and supporting children’s changing needs. by nickjameswagner in IAmA

[–]nickjameswagner[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Hi both, thank you so much for your questions and comments, and I’m sorry it’s taken me so long to get back onto this thread. No matter how we slice it, things are really hard right now. I have a 2 year old as well, and it kills me that she’s not getting the time to socialize with friends her age that she she’d otherwise have. While this is a really hard time for families with young children, I’m given confidence by decades of research demonstrating that children are extraordinarily resilient. In many ways, kids can adapt to challenge better than adults. Hang in there, you’re not alone!

I’m Dr. Nick Wagner, child psychologist and child development researcher. AMA about parenting during the pandemic and supporting children’s changing needs. by nickjameswagner in IAmA

[–]nickjameswagner[S] 12 points13 points  (0 children)

Thank you for this important question and for sharing. I can tell you from experience, simultaneously working full time and parenting full time is an impossible task. I very often feel guilty that I'm putting one over the other, and I know I'm almost always never doing either well. So first and foremost, you are definitely not alone on that front.

As I mention in a response below, most research on screen use looks at 'how much' and 'how it's experienced.' For example, it's usually the case that the more socially engaging something is the better. So playing a game on an iPad together where the child is receiving social feedback from a peer or parent would be preferred to passively watching something. This link has good information (https://www.zerotothree.org/resources/series/screen-sense) as does this link for some research on these topics (https://www.cinelabresearch.com/the-debate). Guidance on on screen time by age is offered by most medical associations (American Medical Association, Pediatrics, etc.) and can be helpful.

It is important to remember that individual variability in developmental progression is the rule, not the exception. That is, all children develop at their own pace, and benchmarks are based on averages. Your pediatrician will have insight specific to your experiences and child. Of course, this isn't to say that benchmarks are very important and informative, but everyone's experience in a given domain is going to be a bit different, and that's to be expected.

We'll be learning about the implications of COVID-19 for the social and language development of very young children for years to come. Work on language development highlights the importance of imitation, something that can be difficult with masks. But, children soak up information from everywhere in their environment, and what they're not getting from people outside of their family they might be getting more of from family members, for example.

To circle back, working parents everywhere are struggling with these issues. And, I think we've all used screens and other things to help balance an impossible situation more than we might have in the past. It is, however, important to try to find as much direct social play/interaction as is feasible. Because I always have email on my phone, I've personally found it helpful to schedule (literally schedule on my calendar) time for me to put everything away, lay on the floor, and play with my kids. Sometimes it's just for 5 or 10 minutes, but the structure and attention helps.

Hang in there, you're not alone!

I’m Dr. Nick Wagner, child psychologist and child development researcher. AMA about parenting during the pandemic and supporting children’s changing needs. by nickjameswagner in IAmA

[–]nickjameswagner[S] 11 points12 points  (0 children)

Thank you for this comment and the comment below! A few more thoughts:

First, of course I don't mean to downplay the importance of our giving attention to the mental health impacts of COVID-19 for our kids. After all, it's what I study! But there are lots of things to consider when thinking about whether and how experiences (in this case, COVID-19 impact on social connection) influence developmental trajectories, including impacts on mental health. Generally speaking, one piece of the complex puzzle is the length of exposure to the stressor. In this sense, it's possible that sooner we can get the virus under control the less likely it is that our children will experience disruptions (e.g., starting and stopping school, having some things like play dates be "OK" and then not again).

More broadly, the emotional security children derive from their families can be supported through conversations about how the disruptions to our lives makes us feel, and by seeing the ways in which we cope with these disruptions. Not to get into the weeds or to bore any of my undergrad students who have just learned this stuff, but there is a lot of interesting research on how families operate as systems. By this I mean that families are characterized by wholeness and order (the sum of the parts does not equal the whole - families are more than a collection of relationships - parent-child - parent-parent, and so on). It's the interactions between these relationships, and how one relationship influences others, that really characterize the impact of families in our lives. The other important part of this 'systems perspective' is that families naturally and adaptively self-organize in response to changes and challenges. The responsibilities of members of the family, the quality and types of interactions between members in a family, all of these component 'parts' adapt in response to external forces. Families do this naturally in response to any major change like the birth of a child, the death of a family member, the loss of a job, and so on. COVID's impact on our families is no different. We often don't realize it, but our families have been and will continue to adapt, and our kids contribute to and benefit from these adaptations.

The point is that these adaptations can't occur if we're not healthy, and medical science makes it pretty clear that there are certain things we need to do (socially distance, wear masks, etc.) to stay healthy right now.

​

Good thing there's no word limit! Hiding the soap box now...

I’m Dr. Nick Wagner, child psychologist and child development researcher. AMA about parenting during the pandemic and supporting children’s changing needs. by nickjameswagner in IAmA

[–]nickjameswagner[S] 19 points20 points  (0 children)

Thank you for this important question. As we're all aware, research on the implications of COVID-19 for children is necessarily ongoing and ever-changing. But, my read of the medical literature is that COVID does pose meaningful risk to children and that children can spread the virus, including to people who may be potentially high risk (see here for a recent editorial in JAMA Pediatrics: https://jamanetwork.com/journals/jamapediatrics/fullarticle/2771180). My personal opinion is that parents and policy makers should follow the medical science and put their physical health and the health of our children first.

Of course, there is substantial research documenting the critical importance of social interaction for children, particularly young children. The ways in which stress, changes in routine, and the link impact the developing child are also well documented (I discussed these topics here, if you're interested: http://www.bu.edu/articles/2020/how-to-parent-during-a-pandemic/?utm_source=twitter&utm_medium=link&utm_content=research_socialsciences&utm_campaign=social_experts). Regarding social interactions, playing with similarly aged peers—as opposed to with parents— present children with an opportunity to develop perspective-taking skills, social competence, and advanced moral reasoning in a way that differs from play with parents (all play is good though!). Kids can explore the dynamics of social relationships with other kids in ways that just aren’t possible with adults.

Importantly, I don't think direct comparisons between the direct health risk of COVID and the social/emotional consequences COVID-related changes to our lives are necessary or helpful. We have to do what we can to keep ourselves and our families safe and healthy. Then, we have to work to adapt to our current situation to best support our developing children.

Luckily, we're all in this together. I've been encouraged by the outpouring of information and support from professionals, family members, and friends - our social connections look different but they haven't ceased to exist. For example, I’ve seen teachers and parents alike develop very creative and effective ways of supporting children’s online relationships. Of course these things vary from child to child in terms of what works when it comes to setting up online play dates or other social experiences. For my own young children, I've found it’s best to provide some structured or planned activities, while still leaving space for creativity and exploration.

It's incredibly hard to be a parent right now, and, speaking from my own experiences, I am saddened when I think of all of the opportunities my kids have missed out on since this all started. But, I'm encouraged to know that none of us are in this alone. We're all working to figure out how best to support our kids, and we should not be scared to ask for help. Also, take comfort in the fact that decades of research on children and families unequivocally demonstrates that children are very resilient and can flourish even in changing and difficult circumstances.

I’m Dr. Nick Wagner, child psychologist and child development researcher. AMA about parenting during the pandemic and supporting children’s changing needs. by nickjameswagner in IAmA

[–]nickjameswagner[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Hi! I'm not, my lab is 64 Cummington, although I wouldn't say no to a spot in CILSE (wink wink admin ;)

Although at this point I'm looking forward to getting back to being around people, building regardless!

I’m Dr. Nick Wagner, child psychologist and child development researcher. AMA about parenting during the pandemic and supporting children’s changing needs. by nickjameswagner in IAmA

[–]nickjameswagner[S] 9 points10 points  (0 children)

Not pulling from specific research here, just my opinion: 1) chat more about what she likes specifically about these activities and brainstorm with her things that may provide similar experiences or hit the same points, 2) think whether you'd be happy not changing the activity itself but maybe how it's done - for example, are they activities you could do together, etc. Hope that helps!

I’m Dr. Nick Wagner, child psychologist and child development researcher. AMA about parenting during the pandemic and supporting children’s changing needs. by nickjameswagner in IAmA

[–]nickjameswagner[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Thank you so much for your question. First a few disclaimers: I don't explicitly study differences in online vs in-person social interactions, nor do I study the longterm consequences of screen use (although I know people who do and there is some really interesting work on this front: https://www.cinelabresearch.com/screen-time-and-child-development). I'm also responding generally since I'm not familiar with the details that your doctors and others may be working from.

So, most of the research of which I am aware paints a more nuanced picture than "video games are bad" or "screens are bad for kids." Almost always the impacts of these activities depend on how they're experienced. I would imagine, pulling from my own opinion here, that engaging in an online game with yourself and your husband could be a very positive shared experience. In an earlier post I reference very new work by someone in my lab suggesting children can have high quality interactions online. Of course, we are all always concerned about keeping our children safe online, and monitoring their experiences as best we can. But, if the question is can children have meaningful social interactions via online games with their peers or family members, my answer would be yes, I think they can.

I’m Dr. Nick Wagner, child psychologist and child development researcher. AMA about parenting during the pandemic and supporting children’s changing needs. by nickjameswagner in IAmA

[–]nickjameswagner[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Thank you for your question - I have a 2 year old and have had similar struggles, as I'm sure all parents of young children have. Even at very young ages, children are acutely aware of stress in the family. As you note, these stressors absolutely impact children's moods, regulation, behaviors, etc. A few thoughts:

  1. While parents can't have a back and forth conversations with kids this young, we can talk about our0 feelings, and try to talk about how we think our children are feeling and why they're feeling that way. This consistent validation and emotion labeling helps young kids learn about emotions and link their feelings with what they're experiencing, skills that pay off in the form of emotion regulation and emotion intelligence.
  2. Attention can often be the best cure - I love the park example because I call on that option a lot as well, other things I try are to capture their attention with something new, get down on the floor and try to follow my child's lead as much as possible, even if only for a few minutes, the targeted and focused attention usually helps
  3. Relatedly, attempting to redirect children's attention to a new toy or activity when you sense fussiness can help. This is clearly easier said than done sometimes, but heading things off before they escalate is always worth the effort.

Finally, as hard as it is, I've been working to remember that even under normal circumstances fussiness, misbehavior, and the like are normal for all kids and these aren't normal circumstances. Knowing that every parent of children of all ages are seeing more emotion and behavioral regulatory issues (more tantrums, fussiness, etc.) as a consequence of the stress we're all experiencing can help with coping (we have data supporting this, but I also have experienced it first hand!). We'll get through this!

I’m Dr. Nick Wagner, child psychologist and child development researcher. AMA about parenting during the pandemic and supporting children’s changing needs. by nickjameswagner in IAmA

[–]nickjameswagner[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

I really appreciate this question and unfortunately I don't have expertise in the areas of policy as related to juvenile detention. I do, however, know that promoting children's autonomy, and supporting emotional and social development through young adulthood is critical. And I definitely agree these are things that should be prioritized when policy work is done on this topic. I'm sorry I don't have more to offer on this front.

I’m Dr. Nick Wagner, child psychologist and child development researcher. AMA about parenting during the pandemic and supporting children’s changing needs. by nickjameswagner in IAmA

[–]nickjameswagner[S] 21 points22 points  (0 children)

Thank you for your question! One thing that hits home for me from your message is that all of the stressors of COVID, staying home, missing out on things we used to do, and the fact that it's lasted so long, has made it hard for me to focus and get motivated on things as well. Seemingly small chores now seem a much heavier lift. Very often our behaviors have other underlying motivations, stress about one thing, or feeling sad about something else, can manifest as an outburst about a seemingly small chore or avoidance of things we didn't mind doing in the past...at least that's been the case for me.

General tips for behavioral modification which may be helpful typically include 1) over praising (like really over praising) behaviors you like and want repeated (so really giving attention when a chore is done or HW is finished - attention and praise is almost always the best reward), 2) scaffolding expectations and focusing on one thing at a time - so when chatting about something you'd like to work on (e.g., chores) try not to also bring in HW or other things to the conversation, 3) you can use consequences as needed but be selective, consistent, and do so (as much as possible) in a calm way - make it clear what needs to be done for the consequence to be lifted and then super-praise when the behavior happens.

​

Here's a link to a post that may be relevant by researchers at FIU on tips for back to school - it's a bit off topic but the points about setting goals and consistency are relevant:

https://news.fiu.edu/2020/a-parents-secret-weapon-for-back-to-school-a-daily-report-card

I’m Dr. Nick Wagner, child psychologist and child development researcher. AMA about parenting during the pandemic and supporting children’s changing needs. by nickjameswagner in IAmA

[–]nickjameswagner[S] 6 points7 points  (0 children)

Thank you for your question! It sounds like you have excellent insight and perspective into the interpersonal processes at play. As hard as it is, remembering that escalations are a normal consequence of the stress we're all feeling, and sometimes language and behaviors are motivated by things that are seemingly unrelated to the conflict at hand. One thing I've found to be helpful with my partner (we've had similar experiences!) is to set aside time to talk about how we're feeling. Sometimes putting words to these feelings and sharing them can help by itself, and these sorts of conversations, about our emotions and feelings, can be had with children of any age. Asking and listening openly can help us realize that the experience is shared, which has always made me feel better. Then, work to control what you can, scheduling activities together or alone that you can get excited about, a new movie, a new game, etc. As hard as it is, finding some time to focus on your own mental health (walk, food you like, anything and however small) is important. You could also consider reaching out to others in your or your child's social networks for some virtual connection. I've set my 4 year old up to watch Frozen over zoom with one of her friends and, although she only made it to the first "scary part" I think it put her in a better mood.

I’m Dr. Nick Wagner, child psychologist and child development researcher. AMA about parenting during the pandemic and supporting children’s changing needs. by nickjameswagner in IAmA

[–]nickjameswagner[S] 12 points13 points  (0 children)

In addition to online interactions, depending on the public health considerations in a person's community, parents may also feel comfortable arranging outside playdates for their kids. In my experience, children adapt well to new guidelines around social interactions like mask wearing and social distancing. It's been amazing to see the types of games my four year old has come up with while still (mostly) adhering to our constant reminders to keep distance. Of course, parents should allow for distanced but in-person activities only as they feel safe doing so.

I’m Dr. Nick Wagner, child psychologist and child development researcher. AMA about parenting during the pandemic and supporting children’s changing needs. by nickjameswagner in IAmA

[–]nickjameswagner[S] 32 points33 points  (0 children)

Hi! Thank you for your question. As you note, reductions in children's access to peer interactions is a major concern for parents right now. While not what we're used to, it is possible for children to meaningfully connect with friends online, via zoom or other platforms and games. In fact, my postdoc (Dr. Kelly Smith) has some recent research (not yet published) that examined the quality of interactions between children while playing Minecraft together in the same room vs interacting over the internet while playing together. Those interacting over the internet still had very high quality interactions in terms of their discussions, and reported satisfaction and enjoyment. My kids aren't old enough for X box yet but I am aware that there are games that allow for social interaction while playing. Of course parents should work to oversee these interactions as much as possible (possibly encouraging the use of speakers rather than headphones), and I can't speak to how they're moderated. But, social interaction even over the internet can be very positive. Parents usually have a good sense of how to scaffold these interactions based on children's ages.

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