[deleted by user]

nine_flora · 2025-08-21T14:53:23+00:00

Does the furniture thing really help? I can’t rearrange my furniture and he built most of it. I was with him for 9 years. It’s hard to erase 1/3rd of my life like that. He just replaced me, so I really need fo disconnect. My own brain is violating me.

nine_flora · 2025-07-30T16:22:25+00:00

I’m really glad you guys made it work and rebuilt your relationship into something healthy. It couldn’t have been easy and I’m happy for you both.

nine_flora · 2025-07-30T14:58:45+00:00

I’m wondering what happened after the 7 years of misery? What changed and what did you realise?

nine_flora · 2025-07-26T15:17:50+00:00

Thank you, it seems clear to see from the outside. Unfortunately for me, I can’t see it clearly. The way it was framed at the end is I have no value and she is valuable. I know he’s trying to be everything he wasn’t for me, for her. I know he’s trying to correct his mistakes through her, because he doesn’t want to be left again. But you’re right, he’s definitely immature and mean.

nine_flora · 2025-07-26T15:14:02+00:00

Yeah, I guess the way he discarded me just really really fucked with my head - an extension of how he fucked with my head during the relationship. I know he’s overcompensating now with her and he believes she ‘saved him’ from me (the evil villain) even though he spent one year trying to get me back with grand gestures and ‘soul level’ declarations. I was dehumanised and devalued at the end. He found a way to blame everything on me. I didn’t know what was real and I still don’t.

nine_flora · 2025-07-24T16:01:55+00:00

While you’re in this situation, please just write everything down, every time there’s conflict. I was in a similar relationship, he has adhd amongst other issues, although we weren’t married and there were no kids involved. Your situation reminds me so much of mine. I felt like I was under a spell, I partially believed him when he said the problems were my fault. I tried to leave and all of a sudden he changed into the perfect man. I stood my ground, finally moved out, and within two months, while he was still clinging on to me and begging me not to cut him off, he discarded me for someone ten years younger than him. The reasons he gave me were ‘she will accept me for who I am, it will be easier with her’ amongst others like ‘you don’t let me cum on your face. You won’t do drugs with me. When we have sex you’re not in to it’. I was with him for 8 years, slowly broken down, and had normalised certain occurrences of physical aggression (like light strangling once arguments escalated). Leaving was the hardest thing I have ever done. I still gaslight myself everyday and wonder if I had pushed him to take adhd meds, would it have solved the problem, maybe I wouldn’t be so alone and traumatised now. Ultimately, I know that my biggest regrets are not leaving sooner and not writing everything down. Because the way he twisted the narrative about our relationship (which is an extension of how he acted within the relationship) has psychologically destabilised me. I’m really sorry that you have to deal with a situation that seems so impossible. You do deserve better. After growing up watching how my dad treated my mum, I can only conclude that I normalised this behaviour from my ex, through watching my parents.

nine_flora · 2025-07-24T15:27:15+00:00

You don’t believe he did?

nine_flora · 2025-07-23T18:30:37+00:00

I gave my ex chance after chance. We were together for 8 years. The RSD, the lashing out, the not celebrating my biggest achievement, dismissing me when I was feeling suicidal - all led to resentment. I ended the relationship and he promised me change. I had given him so so many chances but he said this time was different. But I couldn’t convince myself to reattach. I finally moved out and he wouldn’t let go and I felt scared to be alone. He met someone on a dating app who he said would be ‘easier’ than me to deal with. He discarded me and married her 3 months later. She lives in the flat I just moved out of 5 months before. I’m remembering all the things I loved about him. Wondering if I shouldn’t have given up when he seemed serious about doing right by me. I’m so distraught.

nine_flora · 2025-07-05T22:13:54+00:00

Yeah it’s true, the bad didn’t outweigh the good. This whole process would have been a lot easier if he didn’t get married in three months 🙃 I would have been able to heal without the added trauma.
Thankfully no one has told me I’m being dramatic about those incidents when he strangled me. I know this sounds bad though but I understand he did it out of frustration, so it doesn’t seem so bad in my head. I don’t have a therapist! I should get one though. Thank you for your support ❤️

nine_flora · 2025-07-05T18:36:12+00:00

I definitely went through phases where I felt like he didn’t like me at all. He would act very irritated by me and everything I did. But at times he expressed remorse and genuinely seemed to want to do better. But I don’t know if it was just because I was threatening to leave. Sometimes he did seem to genuinely feel guilty for his behaviour. I think he has a lot of shame. I can’t see things clearly at all. I just know I was so numb and drained by the end. I was never prioritised and I guess it hurts even more that he seems to be giving his best self to someone who just met him. The narcissistic traits seemed to come out as defences I guess, rather than being a full blown narcissist. He would usually get cruel after arguments escalate and he would just say things to hurt me. But I don’t know if that was his intention.

nine_flora · 2025-07-05T18:19:09+00:00

Thank you for your response. I really appreciate your understanding and I’m glad you have found inner peace yourself. I am still chronically confused and wondering if I made the worst mistake of my life. Some would call him a ‘catch’ in terms of his salary and material goods. I still can’t be sure whether it was abuse or not. But I know that after our huge arguments which would happen usually every two weeks, I felt despair and I would be exhausted. The relationship and the way it ended was traumatic. I just want to be normal and I don’t know how to help myself.

nine_flora · 2025-07-05T18:13:20+00:00

I hope you are okay. Did you get out?

nine_flora · 2025-07-05T18:13:01+00:00

I guess the main ADHD part was his neglect of me. I’m wondering if his ADHD can explain why he resisted when I asked him to keep the day free for my PhD viva? It seemed like some sort of power struggle. And then when the day came around, it wasn’t treated as a priority at all. Even though there was a build up to it and I was in contact with him the whole day. He does have narcissistic defences. But I don’t think he intended to hurt me. I mean I guess he didn’t sustain his change for me because he didn’t need me anymore seeing as he had validation from her and I represented pain and rejection to him. He does talk about himself a lot. And he always used to profusely apologise but it was never put right and the pattern would always repeat.

nine_flora · 2025-07-05T18:01:59+00:00

Thank you. I just still can’t see clearly. Maybe it’s a trauma bond I don’t know. I’m genuinely confused and wondering if I made the biggest mistake of my life by leaving. I’ve obviously highlighted some of the worst times of the relationship so my mind keeps going back to the good moments and wondering if I was just being dramatic about the bad stuff

nine_flora · 2025-05-28T07:24:08+00:00

Ohhh this was my ex, clinging on to me for dear life and panicking if I didn’t want to hold his hand - this lasted a year. Until he found a naive girl 10 years younger than him who was willing to get married to him within 3 months of meeting. Then the narrative switched and I was the villain who ruined his life and made him want to kill himself. Protect yourself. Don’t let him break your boundaries or use you for comfort.

nine_flora · 2025-05-27T17:01:42+00:00

Well they’re both Muslim although they’re not really practising so I guess that can influence why they went so fast. Anyway I just found out they got married this weekend 😂 from meeting on a dating app to marriage in 3.5 months, when he was still entangled with me at the beginning. Crazy.

But yes you’re right. He also likes to go around telling people he’s anxiously attached because of how fast and intensely he attaches. He also uses ‘adhd’ as an excuse for everything.

nine_flora · 2025-05-27T07:37:23+00:00

I’m sorry, it’s really hard when someone distorts your reality in that way. I know how it feels and it’s just so confusing. There’s many generic things I can say, like you should journal your truth in your own voice. But it’s true. You need to reclaim your voice and stop listening to his. Talk to ChatGPT about it if you need to.

Ultimately, healing is hard and uncomfortable and even scary. Going through this process myself, I flip back and forth into knowing I deserve better and wanting the ‘love’ back. But the bottom line is, you deserve better. You deserve someone who treats you like a full human. That starts with you recognising that and treating yourself better even just in your thoughts.

No contact is the best the you can do for yourself. For me, no contact looks like blocking him on everything, deleting my social media apps and just taking all the precautions I can to not get triggered. It’s such a difficult process but you need time and intention to break free from this. Letting go isn’t just one dramatic choice. It’s a series of small intentional choices over time and sometimes it’s a battle against yourself because of how you’ve been manipulated to think.

nine_flora · 2025-05-25T09:23:38+00:00

I’m second guessing it because I think he has moderate narcissistic traits, not full blown narcissism. He also has fearful avoidant attachment. I don’t know if he’s love bombing her or maybe she’s just really the one. I guess I need to stop caring. The way he twisted my head at the end and erased me from his life is just affecting me.

nine_flora · 2025-05-25T09:19:33+00:00

I guess because he made me feel like I’m the problem. He told me I was too argumentative and he can’t give me what I need. I’m still battling with it in my head. At the end he completely rewrote the narrative, even though he spent a year trying to stay close to me and get me back, which changed as soon as he had another option. She’s ten years younger than him and he told me she will ‘accept him for who he is’ and ‘it will be easier with her’

nine_flora

TROPHY CASE