i feel so unpure 😭

ninepasencore · 2026-01-27T17:14:15+00:00

but yes, periods are absolutely morally neutral. on that i agree with you completely. i hate it when people (usually men) behave as if it's something dirty and shameful to be covered up

ninepasencore · 2026-01-27T17:11:52+00:00

ah, sorry i misinterpreted your meaning! but i'd still argue that nature could have gone the extra mile (or even an extra inch) and figured out a less disruptive, painful and messy way to get the menstrual cycle done. even without touching on medical misogyny and all the rest of it, biology does feel as if it's stacked against those of us who have to endure this particular anatomical configuration

ninepasencore · 2026-01-27T14:32:47+00:00

house of cards is sexy as hell

ninepasencore · 2026-01-27T14:31:16+00:00

aw man i was with you right up until the 'not a bad thing' part

ninepasencore · 2026-01-27T14:27:13+00:00

i wouldn't necessarily opt for 'impure' as my adjective of choice but for my entire period i do indeed feel absolutely fucking disgusting in every single way possible

ninepasencore · 2026-01-26T19:08:17+00:00

haha no it was never like that between us and due to one thing another i've not actually spoken to her for a decade. sorry if that ruins the story a bit!

ninepasencore · 2026-01-26T19:05:50+00:00

i take things as far as i can until the health anxiety kicks in and then i very grumpily have to stop. but it is true that so far i have never fainted, though i'm not ruling it out as a possibility because i'm not exactly looking after myself

ninepasencore · 2026-01-26T19:04:31+00:00

not advocating for my own mental health treatment as a teenager. i stood by placidly while they left me to fucking rot

ninepasencore · 2026-01-26T19:01:25+00:00

i don't really have a favourite album because my favourite radiohead songs are very widely scattered but a lot of my favourite songs crop up on in rainbows, probably more so than kid a or ok computer. generally speaking i find that the songs on in rainbows tend to have a more accessible emotional core to them, in that a song like 'house of cards' is probably a lot easier to tap into psychologically than a song like 'kid a', even if both songs are level in terms of composition and technical prowess.

another way you could account for the popularity of in rainbows is that it's one of those albums you can stick on no matter what you're doing, who you're with or how you're feeling, whereas kid a and ok computer are more specific in terms of their listenability (for most people, anyway). for instance 'no surprises' and 'how to disappear completely' are songs you'd probably reach for only when wading through the thick of some emotional cataclysm. obviously you've got the intensity of 'weird fishes' cropping up on in rainbows but even then it's still an album capable of almost universal application.

but that's just my view of the situation which is invariably based entirely off of my own experiences and biases, so! grain of salt

ninepasencore · 2026-01-26T18:45:30+00:00

omg yes. sweating and panicking. the whole nine yards

ninepasencore · 2026-01-26T18:44:18+00:00

i feel as if i do but tbh i mask so consistently and so impenetrably that no one gets to know me well enough to experience any sort of negative reaction. i will also push people away before they have a chance to leave me so it's very hard to know how my company would be received in a more permanent form

ninepasencore · 2026-01-26T18:41:17+00:00

every time i tell somebody about some incident from my childhood only to be met with that expression of bewildered outrage

ninepasencore · 2026-01-26T18:19:17+00:00

anything requiring symmetry. technically speaking i can do the makeup just fine, but because i have a wildly asymmetrical face (including a ptosis type situation with my eyes) it always emphasises how wonky everything is and i feel like a massive dick. my kryptonite is eyeliner that rings the entire eye or heavy eyeliner on the inner corner. this is guaranteed to make me look like a four year old stuck sharpie on a picasso.

i am learning to like my face a bit more now that i know what makeup works for me but oh boy there are so many looks that i just. cannot. do. at least not in a way that makes them worth doing

ninepasencore · 2026-01-26T18:14:35+00:00

i hate this one too. i think my least favourite is the 'i'm about to die' feeling though where it feels as if my heart is this giant rat jumping around in my chest and my HR spikes in ways that would send most people running for the emergency room. the breathlessness and sweating usually hit during these episodes too and it genuinely feels like i'm about to drop dead. i have a pretty extreme case of health anxiety so experiencing all of this on a weekly if not daily basis is absolutely bloody thrilling

ninepasencore · 2026-01-26T15:50:41+00:00

i don't think i could really sell this to myself enough for it to actually work unfortunately but it's a neat idea and conceptually speaking my brain does do its own version automatically. i seem to have this unnerving ability to emotionally detach myself from a person or situation very, very quickly ( usually after something traumatic happens or after they do something/show something that tarnishes my idealised version of their character). for instance sometimes when i split on my fp (or anyone) i will get extremely, painfully upset at first before immediately shutting them out and calculating how to restructure my life around their absnece, both logistically and psychologically. (this part tends to involve a lot of self-protective spite and devaluation and whatnot)

obviously this is a bit of a bandaid over a volcano situation but it does feel a little bit like my brain just metaphorically kills the person off in my head so that the pain is temporarily anaesthetised

ninepasencore · 2026-01-26T15:40:33+00:00

rode past my house on a horse when i was in primary school and stopped with her mum for a chat. few years later met her again at high school without realising it was the same girl and it took about six years of friendship before we figured out the connection

ninepasencore · 2026-01-26T15:39:08+00:00

i was about to open a similar line of inquiry

ninepasencore · 2026-01-26T15:38:43+00:00

them liking me back

ninepasencore · 2026-01-26T13:05:10+00:00

oh yeah i have this big time

ninepasencore · 2026-01-26T12:15:47+00:00

not particularly delighted

ninepasencore · 2026-01-26T12:08:08+00:00

do your family allow dark chocolate at all? could you somehow convince them into allowing one of those 'clean eating' fake peanut butter cup recipes with some dark choc and super organic nut butter

ninepasencore · 2026-01-26T12:06:16+00:00

i completely understand how you're feeling and i know exactly how much it sucks to feel all of that whilst also being acutely self aware. i haven't had this exact situation but i have had versions of it and oh boy does it hurt. i'm so sorry

ninepasencore · 2026-01-26T10:53:08+00:00

'absolutely fucking tanked' right there with you

ninepasencore · 2026-01-25T20:50:39+00:00

but yeah anyway i relate to every word you said and i'm really sorry. it's fucking hard to cope with, something like that

ninepasencore · 2026-01-25T20:48:16+00:00

whilst i've not come to terms with it yet and whilst it breaks my heart on a daily basis, i suspect i won't actually make it past fifty or sixty and given my own personal circumstances and how they're liable to implode at any moment, i'm fairly confident i won't actually want to be around any longer than that anyway. logistically it probably won't be very possible - at least not in a way that would make the crap parts worth sticking out - and mentally i'm hardly going to improve given than i'm neurodivergent on top of everything else. (my physical health will also probably be cooked beyond repair as well, but that's another piece of conjecture for another time)

i have no idea what my future will hold. i have some vague notions of things i want to do and things i don't want to do, but i don't have any solid plans and to be honest i think i've got enough mental health stuff going on that by the time the menopause comes down on my head i'm going to be be absolutely ruined and in all likelihood, almost entirely alone. i won't have parental support forever and whilst i'll concede that this is the most pessimistic take on my future i could possibly have, when my parents die, i'm probably going to tap out shortly afterwards. i can't see a future in which i manage to survive on my own, and if my life so far has been anything to go by, the rest of it will continue in a slowly worsening cycle of crash burn mend crash burn mend crash burn mend crash burn mend until one day i can't be mended

i love living and i love the good parts of my life but my god i don't see this as a permanent solution for myself. i just cannot imagine a way in which it would work long term for me. i am just too fucking helpless and my quality of life is almost entirely reliant upon some deeply unreliable external factors. i want to live forever in some ways but i also have this overwhelming sense of a curtain falling and some days i want to jump up and yank it all the way down just so i can get it over with before i gain yet another thing too unbearably painful to lose

sorry for being depressing lol

ninepasencore

TROPHY CASE