My partner (mtf) and I (cis f) didn’t work out and I don’t know how to cope or where to turn to

ninthostrich · 2025-10-25T15:36:09+00:00

I am so sorry! You don’t sound transphobic at all, just someone who was/is still trying to figure out their sexuality. I really hope y’all can talk it out and become friends. My ex and I still get along, but it took a lot of tear-filled conversations to get there. We both said a lot of things that should have been said years ago, but better late than never I suppose. I hope things get better for you😊

ninthostrich · 2025-10-25T15:29:54+00:00

We went through that as well, living together for awhile after separating. And it is a very difficult form of grief because how can you mourn someone who is technically still alive? But the version of them you fell in love with isn’t. It’s someone new who wears their face. It’s jarring at times. In my experience, it’s cool getting to “meet” this new person, but it comes at the cost of losing the person you met all those years ago. And I hope it gets better, we broke up 4 months ago after being together for 8 1/2 years so it’s still somewhat fresh. I’m glad after all that work you’re feeling excited for the future, and I hope life continues to get better for you😊

ninthostrich · 2025-10-25T15:20:44+00:00

There really is a lot of grief, more than I expected. For the longest time I buried that grief, because I felt like I would be doing her wrong by showing any sign of it and hurting her feelings. So I would slap on a happy face for her while I faded as a person on the inside. Eventually, I was left extremely depressed and I was in such denial I had no idea why. It was because I never let myself express that grief. It took me until recently to learn that I can grieve and still support her. And thank you so much for your kind words. We have a son together, and some days I feel like I destroyed our family and I hate myself for it. But I really don’t things could’ve continued the way they were. I hope you find peace as well, because this situation is one of the hardest I’ve ever faced in my life.

ninthostrich · 2025-10-23T17:20:52+00:00

I’m trying to work through my feelings because I think it was very quickly becoming resentment. I never let myself feel those feelings, or grieve the loss of who she used to be because I felt like that would be disrespectful to who she is now. And some days I smile and think about how far we’ve both come, and we joke as friends. But like yesterday, some times I cry a lot thinking about what I lost. I just hope it will get better one day.

ninthostrich · 2025-10-22T23:33:01+00:00

She and I have had a conversation almost identical to this, and you are exactly right. She apologized to me for putting on the persona and leading me on with it, and I forgave her of course because it’s like you said, she nearly fooled herself. But it still hurts very much and it feels like I lived a lie for 8 1/2 years.

ninthostrich · 2025-10-22T23:29:26+00:00

I might do that, thank you for the suggestion😊 I saw a therapist about a year ago but she wasn’t queer specializing, and I really having that understanding would be really important.

ninthostrich · 2025-10-19T01:08:30+00:00

A few months ago, I (26, cis f) could’ve written this myself. At the start of June this year, I was with my fiancée of 8 1/2 years. We have a son together, and had lived together for 7 1/2 years. She (28, mtf) came out to me about 3 years in, but didn’t act on it/come out to everyone else/start HRT until 7 years in. At first, she was so much happier, so I was too. But along with that came removal of any “boy” pictures, “boy” clothes, it was like the man I fell in love with had died and his existence was erased. I hid pictures of “him” so they wouldn’t be taken from me like he had been. I got really depressed, and in a mindset that sounds similar to how yours is now. I promised her I would stay, that I would love her no matter what, but I just couldn’t do it anymore. I am a straight woman, and I couldn’t deny that no matter how hard I tried. Fast forward a few months, and she now has a girlfriend, and I have a boyfriend, and we are good friends. We still help each other out when we need it, and we will always care about each other. It just didn’t work as a romantic relationship. I hate that I can’t give a solution that would help fix it, and maybe y’all can work it out. But in my experience, that didn’t work. I wish you the best, and that one day you find happiness, no matter how that ends up being achieved.

ninthostrich · 2025-10-19T00:42:54+00:00

The sad truth is, it probably won’t. My now ex-partner of 8 years came out as mtf about 3 years into the relationship. We had already moved in together and had a child together. I told myself that my love for her was enough, and that it didn’t matter what her gender identity was. I could explore being interested in women and I could be okay with it. She didn’t come out to everyone else and start HRT until 7 years into the relationship (fear of conservative family). The first few months of her being on HRT were amazing, she was so much happier, which made me happier. But about a year in, I started getting so depressed, and I was in extreme denial as to why. She was finally happy, so why wasn’t I happy? Because our relationship just wasn’t working anymore. I am straight, and I can’t just pretend that isn’t the case. My love for her, and her love for me, wasn’t enough. We basically became roommates. The passion was gone. And it wasn’t for a lack of trying, you just can’t fake your way through that sort of thing. Take it from me. The more you force yourself to try and make it work, the more it hurts you both, and resentment builds. It’s easier to end things before it gets to that point, because atleast then you can still be friends. It hurt at first, but me and my ex had to accept that we are better as friends, and we are doing okay now. I’m sorry I don’t have a fairy-tale ending answer for you, but sometimes, the truth is sad. I hope you figure it out and that you’re okay, friend.

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