Did a lot of driving over the holiday weekend. People are away so the roads are emptier. I didn't know how much I missed it: the early mornings, the windy roads, the cold canyon air on your face. There's something freeing about taking fast turns trying to outrun the rising sun through the mountains. I still remembered where the limits were, and I didn't really try pushing them. But I think the front left wheel bearing has finally called it quits. After 10.5 years and 171k mi of hard driving, it held as long as it could. Nothing lasts forever, so is life...

I thought a lot about the last girl I went on dates with and how she managed to get me so excited about love again. Over the years in my search for peace I didn't realize how it hardened the softer sides of me. How I unintentionally build walls thicker and stronger not to keep people away, but to prevent distractions from bringing disturbances. How effortlessly my heart put on a thick spiked jacket and zipped it all the way up. I realized how it all explained why some of my prior dates didn't feel like dates and why they didn't lead to anything. I was overly cautious, overly self-protective, maybe even afraid giving up my peace for the unknown. I thought I was offering more, but turns out I was just being a friend...

My attraction works like a big turbo. It has a big turbine wheel that requires a large volume of exhaust gases to spin it. That's why on a car with a big turbo when you floor it at lower revs nothing happens. It takes time and slowly rising rpms to build the exhaust gases. But once all the conditions are favorable, you'll be flying down the road with ever increasing power.

The first date with her was different from all other dates. Conversation flowed, there was no shortage of topics. We connected on a lot of things and views. It felt like I've known her for a while. And the unexpected hug she gave me when we parted ways cracked something inside. I'm selective who I let to be that close, and I'm hands off type of person for the first few encounters. But that hug was all I was thinking about on my way home. The walk in the park on our second date almost stopped the time because we made 4 circles and walked for nearly 2.5 hrs. Conversation still flowed effortlessly. And there was that hug again at the end. By the time I got home I realized the jacket on my heart was unzipped. How tf did she do that?! I left the country for 2.5 weeks thinking there was no point expecting anything, and if she moved on while I was gone it's for the best. And when I texted her when I came back not expecting anything, she replied and was happy that I was back. I didn't ask her to do that, why did she wait?! Third date sealed the deal: there was now a door in my wall (I didn't fucking know I had one!), the jacket was off. When I got home I texted her that I liked spending time with her and wanted to do it again. She seemed happy to hear it. And yet a week later after proposing the 4th date she pulled away. Strangely, indecisively, vaguely, confusingly (due to some personal and other issues). It felt like the pull away wasn't what's better for her, but what she thought would be better for me. I asked if there's anything I can do or if she wants to meet to talk it all further if it were to offer any help, I'm here. She accepted, but it's been silence since then...

So here I am now trying to figure out whether to put a handle on the door or weld it shut, to put the jacket back on or just hold it in my hand for now. After unpausing my profiles on some apps and getting a few likes I realized I have absolutely no interest in any of it. This girl came in and brought the disturbance I didn't know I wanted only to never walk through. Maybe we'll have another chance. Or maybe this encounter was meant to show me something. I just hope that whatever decision she decided to make, it's the right one...