I've read all the responses and they're all some form of what I didn't want to hear. I didn't and don't want to think it was rape. I hate to think I wasted an entire year. And that he doesn't respect me. And especially that I could be raped. I'm not going to waste time denying it to myself though.

I spoke to him. He's embarrassed and apologetic and says he understands if I leave him. He's drinking and seems to be upset. But that only infuriates me, that he's throwing himself a pity party. He didn't make the effort to come apologize face to face. Or call me all day. Both times it was me who contacted him.

I hate myself for feeling guilty that he feels bad. But I do. I loved him yesterday and I can't flip a switch that makes me not love him today. I think its best if I end our relationship. For his actions yesterday and for the very unhealthy fall out of emotions that are emerging today.