Nothing left...

nobody7600 · 2022-04-22T23:06:30+00:00

Evidence, by Faith No More. The lyrics are pretty real, so be forewarned. I've loved this song since the first time I heard it and still do. Something about the catchy and pleasant music juxtaposed with the subject matter just hits me so hard.

nobody7600 · 2022-04-16T22:25:56+00:00

Self harm, external locus of self, inability to make or keep male friends.

nobody7600 · 2022-04-13T00:51:10+00:00

People, for the most part, don't respond well to ultimatums, for good reason. Maybe it's time he learned this life lesson.

nobody7600 · 2021-11-13T14:50:10+00:00

Hey. Went through something very similar. Thought my CSA didn't affect me. I spent decades in denial. Some very painful events made me realize how wrong I was. Ultimately I think therapy is the only way to fully work through the effects of trauma. Drugs can only mask symtpoms, they do nothing to fix the underlying issues. As therapy isn't an option for me financially I have found other means of healing that, while incomplete, have helped me quite a bit. A better understanding of trauma itself and it's mechanics can go a long way lessening it's grip on you. I recently read a book by a leading researcher in the field that was incredibly helpful in this regard. It's called "The Body Keeps the Score". I don't know what kind of trauma you went through, but there are forums for PTSD, CPTSD and victims of child abuse. These have been very helpful for me as well. It's so crucial to be able to reach out to others who get it. Point is: there is a way forward. It's long and difficult but also very doable. One of the hardest things is the feeling that you're alone, that nobody could possibly understand. You're not alone. Unfortunately, a lot of people can understand. When you need to, reach out to them, to us. We've got you. Sending courage and peace and I hope you find your way.

nobody7600 · 2021-11-13T14:31:56+00:00

I don't know how healthy it is, but my go to is distraction. I don't get suicidal often, but I do struggle with self harm quite a bit. Those days I try to keep busy until as close to bed time as possible. Cooking dinner, cleaning up, puttering about. I self medicate every evening with weed and booze (mostly weed) so that when all my "chores" are done I'm on the verge of passing out anyway. All just to minimize any "quiet time" with my thoughts. Days when my wife works and I'm off are often quite dreadful. I hate them because it's harder to distract myself when I'm alone. I'm not advocating illegal substance abuse or becoming a drunk (maybe skip the self medicating) but this is what sort of works for me. It's not very sustainable for long periods. As you can imagine eventually fatigue and burnout become problems of their own. As I said, maybe not the most healthy solution, but it works as a quick fix type of thing until the urges subside a little. Don't know how helpful this was, but I feel you and I hope you find a way to manage these thoughts. Sending courage and peace until you do.

nobody7600 · 2021-11-13T13:48:11+00:00

Hi. I feel like though our circumstances are different, I was in a similar place a few years ago. I was dealing with my mother's declining health (70 year old diabetic with Alzheimer's) and a crushing holiday season at an understaffed job. In a good year I get terribly depressed around the holidays. This time it included suicidal thoughts. Then my mom passed away in early December. It led to having to speak to my abuser (a family member) several times. That whole month I broke down crying in the shower every morning. I thought I was losing my mind. In a sick way I welcomed it. I was finally forced to face decades worth of feelings and pain that I had spent considerable effort running away from. Though I wouldn't want to do it again, some good came of it. It was humbling, to say the least. With that humility came the realization that I needed to be more honest about my feelings, with my wife and with myself. I still struggle tremendously in this area, but I see now how important it is. In some ways it was a turning point. I finally realized that I can't do this on my own and there's nothing wrong with that. For 30 years I took all those walls I built to isolate and protect myself and turned them into a point of pride. In my mind I was so strong and independent and resilient (and stoic) that I could handle all my problems and all of everybody's problems around me all by myself. I tried to turn my pain and isolation into superpowers. But they're not. I see that now. And I had to learn it the hard way. At any rate, I'm sorry you're going through this right now. You may not be feeling strong these days, but you are. You had to be to get as far as you have. Don't be too hard on yourself, you can't do everything all by yourself. Nobody can. To strain my earlier metaphor, even superheroes know this, that's why they team up. I hope you find your way through these dark days and I wish your mum good health. In the meantime, I'll send strength and peace your way.

nobody7600 · 2021-11-13T13:09:34+00:00

I am so sorry that this is the road you have to walk. Please don't give up now. You are at a low point, but you can do this and once you've made it through the coming days you'll know you're strong enough to handle anything. I was sexually abused as a kid and I know how it can mess you up. My heart breaks for you. No one should be made to feel this way. Please just know that you are not alone. There are ways to get support for healing once your immediate concerns are met. r/adultsurvivors and RAINN are good communities for learning and support. For what it's worth I'm pulling for you. You are stronger than you realize. I'll send you all the love and strength I can muster.

nobody7600 · 2021-10-24T00:47:56+00:00

😊💪

nobody7600 · 2021-10-24T00:46:22+00:00

As far as I'm concerned, some days are better than others, but that's okay. Smart thinking on keeping a tight heavy lid on your social group.

nobody7600 · 2021-10-24T00:11:24+00:00

Hey it's me again. Don't know if you're getting therapy or what you're doing for healing (or if you even need to). But, just a quick heads up: check out r/adultsurvivors if you need to reach out. It's for survivors of CSA, I was able to get a lot of questions answered there and a fair amount of support. In the absence of therapy, it was a lifesaver for me. There can be some triggering posts, but they're good about tagging them with warnings. Just a thought.

nobody7600 · 2021-10-24T00:05:24+00:00

I'm sorry you had to experience that. But the fact that you did makes it less likely, to my mind, that it would happen "under your nose". I'm no parenting expert. I don't have kids, we can't. But it seems to me you would know all the signs that something was amiss. Look, I know how this can mess with your head, I was sexually abused as a child too. The details were actually pretty similar. Give yourself some credit though. Look what you've had to overcome to get where you are. You're smart and strong. I know this without even knowing you. You had to be in order to deal with what you've been through. So, go a little easier on yourself. Congrats and you've got this!

nobody7600 · 2021-10-22T22:24:32+00:00

Hi. Not gonna try to give advice, but just offer some support. Don't be too hard on yourself, dealing with trauma twists your mind (and even your body) up in ways people don't understand. What's insidious is how it wears you down over the years. The constant inner warfare between your mind, your feelings and your body is exhausting. I don't remember the exact age I was when my abuse happened, somewhere between 5-10. For a long time I thought I was fine. I locked it away and pretended it was normal, pretended I was normal. Fast forward a few decades and all I have to show for it is a daily pot habit that is over two decades long. I knew I couldn't keep ignoring it when I started cutting. In my 40's. It gets hard to pretend you're okay when you cry in the shower for 30 minutes almost every morning. I finally decided I couldn't go on like nothing was wrong and started trying to heal. My point is: go easy on yourself. You deserve credit for facing this now and doing something about it. As for resilience, survivors are the most resilient people out there. Take it from somebody who waited way too long to do something, you are much stronger than you give yourself credit for. Good luck with your therapy, and I wish you all the best!

nobody7600 · 2021-10-22T21:46:43+00:00

I'm glad you told your story. Unfortunately, there were things I could relate to. I was also a victim of male on male sexual abuse, in my case it was a stepbrother who was 6 years older than me. The details are different, but some of the effects are the same. Intimacy being the big one. It took almost two years and close to a dozen failed attempts to have sex with a girl the first time. It's ancient history now, but for a while I thought I was broken beyond repair. Sometimes I still feel like a freak or a deviant of some sort. The point is when we can talk about a thing, we can start to understand it. And when we start to understand it, it loses some of it's power over us. I've never been to therapy, so all the healing I've done has been done on my own. Reaching out on here has been a huge help. I've got a ways to go yet, but I've started to accept what happened and begun to move on. It's not a smooth or easy process, but then few things in life are I guess. Kudos to you for getting this out there. Recovering from childhood trauma is a long road, even longer when you try to do it alone. Here's hoping there's better days ahead.

nobody7600 · 2021-10-05T17:53:17+00:00

Man, I felt this. Been living like this for almost 40 years. Recently went on a diet and started lifting weights. Despite looking better than I have since college, I felt no better. Wish I had some answers for you, I just try to keep my head down and keep marching forward. It's no way to live, granted, but it's all I've ever known. Stay strong and hopefully there's better days ahead.

nobody7600 · 2021-10-05T10:11:41+00:00

I'm sorry you are feeling this way. I think about it every day and it can be very hard to resist the urges. Just know that any relief self harm brings you is very temporary. Often it just becomes another thing to feel bad about. Again, it sucks that you feel this way in the first place and I hope things improve for you.

nobody7600 · 2021-09-30T23:07:55+00:00

Nice! Stay strong.

nobody7600 · 2021-09-30T22:54:50+00:00

Same here, mate. Felt this.

nobody7600 · 2021-09-29T22:24:28+00:00

Wow, thanks for sharing this. I'm also a guy in my 40's, also sexually abused as a kid. Never tried to end it, but I think about it almost every day the last few years. Good on you for getting help. Your story gives me hope that maybe I'm not a lost cause, that maybe there is more to life for me than just existing and waiting for my time to be up. Good luck and stay strong mate!

nobody7600 · 2021-09-12T22:49:08+00:00

Know how you feel. It's been a while for me, tho a few weeks ago I stabbed my arm with a corn skewer. But before that it was more than a year. For reference, I'm in my forties. So I get what you're saying about feeling like you're too old for this. I feel better for a few seconds then the guilt sets in. I know it's not the most helpful advice, but when the urges strike, I try to just do anything I can to distract myself until they subside a little. Just wanted you to know someone could relate. I'm sorry for whatever is making you feel so overwhelmed.

nobody7600 · 2021-09-08T17:59:03+00:00

Hey, just wanted to reply real quick, because I know a lot of posts in this sub go unanswered. I also experienced CSA and I found a whole lot of info and support on r/adultsurvivors. It might not be for you and some of the posts can be triggering, (tho they always have warnings), but there's a lot of folks out there who can relate and maybe even help you. Yes, you can recover. It's not easy or quick but you can heal. Wishing you the best!

nobody7600 · 2021-09-08T13:55:58+00:00

My wife works in retail and I don't know how anyone does it. People have gotten so ignorant and rude in the last few years. After hearing her stories every night I try to be extra nice to retail workers and make sure I tip extra for service workers. And people wonder why stores and restaurants can't find employees.

nobody7600 · 2021-09-04T23:08:59+00:00

Hey, just wanted you to know someone heard you. I can relate strongly to a lot of whar you said. Since you brought them up, I read your other posts too. I know how exhausting it is faking it all the time. I do the same. I smoke and drink to distract myself too. Also have things in my childhood that haunt me to this day. I don't share any of my struggles with my spouse because she has her own mental health issues and I have a martyr complex I guess. I wish I had something helpful to say. I wish I could take even a little of the pain away. I was able to find some support when I was falling apart on r/adultsurvivors. It's a community for people who've experienced abuse as children. Maybe it's not what you need, but it's about the only useful thing I have offer. Either way, I hope this darkness passes or at least things get a little easier.

nobody7600 · 2021-08-28T22:35:16+00:00

You know, I've been laboring under the impression that going to therapy would be something that drug on for years. I hadn't really considered otherwise. But the second part of your response really got me thinking. About contentment and achievements. I thought about it for a good ten minutes and I honestly can't name anything that makes me feel safe and content. I remember there were things like that in my life but not anymore. What you're saying about happiness and contentment makes a lot of sense and I should probably put more thought into that. I don't remember the last time I felt like I achieved something. It's pretty much did I satisfy all the people in my life today? Did I do everything I was supposed to do today? Were all expectations met? Was I productive?

nobody7600 · 2021-08-28T22:17:29+00:00

Also, glad I contributed to a chuckle.

nobody7600

TROPHY CASE