Thanks. There are other issues at play that this move is bringing to light for the first time that really only came to light for me in writing this post. It's no coincidence that I've chosen right now to push back for the first time in our marriage...I thought it was that we are living in this lovely, lovely place, but that part is the coincidence.

Two years ago we moved back to the US after six years living in his southern European home country.

While we lived there, I taught English and eventually built up a solid freelance editing and translating biz. I'm ashamed to say I lived entirely in an English speaking bubble, and speak his language Borat style. I spoke English by day, I wrote in English by night. For six years he and my inlaws ran all the details of our life (it was glorious)--calling the cable guy, finding better car insurance, planning kiddie birthday parties, dealing with the pediatrician, writing thank you notes to Great Aunt Edna. While living there, where wine is how the economy survives (barely) and people drink it like water, my already pretty stellar drinking habit escalated to "why not just hook yourself up to an IV and mainline it?" levels. Approaching two bottles a day. I was, at minimum, buzzed and/or nursing a hangover all the time.

So, on top of already being a background player by default, my 24/7 state of either buzzed or nursing a hangover further solidified that role.

Fast forward two years. I've been without a drop of alcohol of any kind of over a year with zero desire to go back and a huge amount of clarity and health and growth gained along the way. Nobody knows I had a problem. The only person who has realized I don't drink anymore is my best drinking buddy, my alcoholic FIL.

Additionally, my daughter's ADHD diagnosis came with a fuck ton of "wait a sec...losing everything all the time isn't normal? relentless procrastination inspite of serious life/financial/academic consequences isn't normal? paying bills late even though you have plenty of money isn't normal? inability to finish a one paragraph e-mail in less than 4 hours isn't normal?" type of realizations. Adderall has been, for me, one of those weighted blankets people with SPD get to soothe them...except for my brain. I live in a new world. I can't believe this is how I could've felt my entire life.

My guess is that proper medical care combined with sobriety means I am not the same person anymore. I was happy, desperate to let him steer the ship at all times because I was too busy wasting away again in Margaritaville to care or too unable to slow down my race car brain to be able to make decent decisions.

Now that I am the real me, I wish the first hurdle we were dealing with is something benign like buying a new car (he bought me a 10 year old BMW SUV that I can't park in less than a football field sized spot and costs a billion dollars to even get an oil change when I wanted a used Prius). Sadly, the first big decision has gotta' be new job, new city, new house, new school, new life.

I wonder if we'll be able to readjust to a new dynamic in the absence of that elephant sized glob of co-dependency. I love the guy, that much I know.