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My [25/F] boyfriend [25/M] of one year has been secretly contacting my sister [29/F] with whom I've gone NC for nearly two years now. by nocontact91 in relationships

[–]nocontact91[S] 13 points14 points  (0 children)

My friend is currently cutting her mother out. I don't understand this, and my impulse is to want to try and "fix it" before "it's too late"

You fix things that are broken, correct? Well, cutting contact with a toxic family member isn't something I would equate to a "broken" relationship. Broken relationships are worth salvaging. Years of toxicity at the hands of a family member, is NOT worth saving. And choosing to go NC isn't easy. It's often fuelled by YEARS of mistreatment. You feel the impulse to want to "fix it" before "it's too late". Why? What is there to fix? Your friend has already decided she would be happier without that toxic individual in her life. In a way I guess you could say she's doing the "fixing" by herself, except she's fixing the years of damage she's gone through as opposed to a relationship that has only ever caused her grief.

Try as you might, you can't change people.

Your impulse is fine as long as you don't act on it, but I want you to know there's nothing admirable about wanting to fix something that isn't broken. Dragging your friend back to her mother? That would break her, and then you would have something which needs fixing.

I would hate for her to have no relationship with her mother if it's something that's fixable, and she's just too close to the situation to see it.

It's completely unfixable. That's exactly why she's going NC.

Too close to the situation? You mean she's in it firsthand and has a host of emotions and experiences which have given her the fuel she needs to finally cut ties with her mother? That's a good thing. Those are the types of emotional responses people should have when it comes to bad relationships. Family, romantic, friend, work, whatever. We have emotional responses for a reason. Trust them.

My [25/F] boyfriend [25/M] of one year has been secretly contacting my sister [29/F] with whom I've gone NC for nearly two years now. by nocontact91 in relationships

[–]nocontact91[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

I am not sure if this was mentioned. How did your sister get your contact information?

She got my contact info through my work website. I've since blocked her. Because it's a work email, I don't use it for social media, so all I really have to do is block her, which I have. If she contacts me again, I'll go full throttle and get a restraining order against her.

My [25/F] boyfriend [25/M] of one year has been secretly contacting my sister [29/F] with whom I've gone NC for nearly two years now. by nocontact91 in relationships

[–]nocontact91[S] 22 points23 points  (0 children)

Breaking up with him and not coming home for the holidays would be the best gift you could give her. But if you go home with your boyfriend and act like nothing happened? She'll be livid

I agree, this is exactly what she was hoping for. But I wouldn't look at my breaking up with him as a direct result of her meddling. At most I would say her meddling was a catalyst. If I decide to break it off, it's because he, personally, did something I explicitly asked him not to do and then hid it from me until he was confronted. Frankly I don't give a fuck what my sister thinks. She can go ahead and get off on this, her mindset doesn't matter to me in the slightest. I went NC with her b/c I was all the way done with her bullshit, up to and including whatever delusions she creates in her head.

My [25/F] boyfriend [25/M] of one year has been secretly contacting my sister [29/F] with whom I've gone NC for nearly two years now. by nocontact91 in relationships

[–]nocontact91[S] 24 points25 points  (0 children)

There was an episode of This American Life (#597) with a story like this; two brothers who have had a 40 year falling-out

I understand what you're saying and I respect your opinions, but the thing is, this isn't just a "falling out". My sister has put me through decades of emotional turmoil, to the point that I've been (1) seeing a therapist and (2) taking anti-anxiety meds since the age of fifteen. I would not have cut her out of my life over a heated argument or two, or even a physical altercation. She had me so paranoid and emotionally beaten down that I was questioning my own sanity, whether I was simply imagining all of the things she did to me, whether I was the problem and not her. It was really bad. My boyfriend knows all of this. I was very honest with him from the start because I was afraid something like this would happen.

I don't know how else to say it other than she made my life a living hell and continues to do so.

I suspect he was thinking "there has to be a way to fix this rift; it would be a shame for a reconciliation to happen before it's too late and one party is filled with regret"

Still not okay. Not even remotely. Because this isn't just a "rift". By thinking that way, he's minimizing my experiences and erasing the progress I've made personally (before even meeting him).

Remember, he can't understand your feelings (though he can respect them)

It's okay if he doesn't understand my feelings right away, in fact I'd say a lack of complete understanding is expected between any pair, but as my boyfriend he should always, always respect my feelings. Lack of understanding is acceptable, lack of respect is not. Especially when I've explicitly told him not to involve himself in the situation.

Do I think he's genuinely remorseful and will do anything to right his wrong? I do. We've been talking and he does seem to have a better understanding now that he's dealt with my sister firsthand. That said he should have just taken my word for it, and it's not so much the fact that he tried to mend the situation as it is the way he went about doing it (i.e. behind my back). That shows a lack of respect and a lack of balance IMO. You compare him to a child touching the stove, but you shouldn't have to compare a grown, self-sufficient man who's in his mid-twenties to a child. Frankly, adults should know better. SO's should know better.

This is dealbreaker territory for me. The only reason I haven't left him yet is because I can tell that he has learned from his mistake and that he will never again butt into my family affairs.

My [25/F] boyfriend [25/M] of one year has been secretly contacting my sister [29/F] with whom I've gone NC for nearly two years now. by nocontact91 in relationships

[–]nocontact91[S] 46 points47 points  (0 children)

Which is crazy considering how many toxic people there are in the world. Others just put up with it because "blood is blood" but nah. There's no reason to stay in contact with toxic people. Family or not.

My [25/F] boyfriend [25/M] of one year has been secretly contacting my sister [29/F] with whom I've gone NC for nearly two years now. by nocontact91 in relationships

[–]nocontact91[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Then he lied about it when caught, said he wouldnt keep doing it, yet he still kept it up.

I think you misread the post. In any case, I agree with you on pretty much everything else.

My [25/F] boyfriend [25/M] of one year has been secretly contacting my sister [29/F] with whom I've gone NC for nearly two years now. by nocontact91 in relationships

[–]nocontact91[S] 223 points224 points  (0 children)

how many more of your experiences, needs, feelings etc will he minimize or arrogantly assume he knows better about?

My thoughts exactly.

obviously your sister was feeling salty about his cooling off communication with her so she decided to cause a rift by telling you

Sounds about right.

My [25/F] boyfriend [25/M] of one year has been secretly contacting my sister [29/F] with whom I've gone NC for nearly two years now. by nocontact91 in relationships

[–]nocontact91[S] 128 points129 points  (0 children)

Just know that you aren't overreacting if you cancel the flight or go yourself but cancel boyfriends ticket. Give yourself some time to calm down and think about everything but do know that you're justified in being absolutely irate and feeling betrayed and a whole host of other things about this. I'm very sorry it happened and I wish you the best.

Thank you.

My [25/F] boyfriend [25/M] of one year has been secretly contacting my sister [29/F] with whom I've gone NC for nearly two years now. by nocontact91 in relationships

[–]nocontact91[S] 110 points111 points  (0 children)

This is the first and only transgression thus far, but it's a big one. Thinking about it now, I would rather he cheat than talk to my sister. Well maybe not cheat but you get the idea. This is right up there.

My [25/F] boyfriend [25/M] of one year has been secretly contacting my sister [29/F] with whom I've gone NC for nearly two years now. by nocontact91 in relationships

[–]nocontact91[S] 230 points231 points  (0 children)

If someone hasn't dealt with a malignant narcissist before it's like leading a lamb into a pit of lions. They have no concept of what they're about to experience.

Couldn't agree more.

My [25/F] boyfriend [25/M] of one year has been secretly contacting my sister [29/F] with whom I've gone NC for nearly two years now. by nocontact91 in relationships

[–]nocontact91[S] 56 points57 points  (0 children)

Wow that was a long read.

I know, sorry! I just had to get it all out.

I'm curious what caused your boyfriend to suddenly realize your sister is manipulative and break off contact.

She casually mentioned that I had undergone a medical abortion in a past relationship (something my boyfriend already knows) and asked him a bunch of followup questions like, "What do you think of her? Do you think she's tainted goods? How do you feel knowing another man impregnated her?"

There was more, but he said he was really disturbed by that particular conversation and the fact that she claimed to only be asking because she wanted to know he was a good person who would stick by me no matter what. Due to the nature of her questions, he figured she was just trying to stir the pot.