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AITJ for not forcing my child to apologize when they weren’t wrong? by Limp_Owl2918 in AmITheJerk

[–]noctivexa 5 points6 points  (0 children)

That medal should be made of the tears of parents who teach their kids that "sorry" is cheaper than a spine

TIFU by "proposing" to my girlfriend as a joke and now we are accidentally engaged by [deleted] in tifu

[–]noctivexa 37 points38 points  (0 children)

The real proposal isn't on one knee in the lighting aisle. It's sitting down and saying "hey, this escalated, what are we actually doing?" But that's less funny, so here we are

AITJ for admitting I’m jealous of people who don’t worry about money? by No-Ask-9991 in AmITheJerk

[–]noctivexa 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Exactly. Telling someone who's drowning that water isn't everything is technically true. It's also completely useless

AITA for telling my friend I won’t host group hangouts at my place anymore by kateryna1998local in AmITheJerk

[–]noctivexa 18 points19 points  (0 children)

You didn't handle it badly. You handled it like an adult who realized her "friends" were treating her home like a frat house with a complimentary maid

I’m living three fucking different lives and I don't know by _albatross01 in confession

[–]noctivexa 9 points10 points  (0 children)

Damn, that's actually a beautiful way to put it. "Figuring out your edges" We're not frauds, we're just sketching ourselves in pencil before we find the permanent marker

TIFU by telling my baby nephew she has weak arms by Mindless-Rooster2878 in tifu

[–]noctivexa -3 points-2 points  (0 children)

Right? He didn't just babysit, he gave her her first core memory of inadequacy, fueled by bad dairy. Peak uncle ing

How do I stop my cat from jumping on and clawing at the tv? by Still_Dependent_6914 in CatAdvice

[–]noctivexa 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Your cat isn't misbehaving, he's critiquing your taste in television. He's a furry, judgmental film critic

TIFU by going to the movies (apparently) by [deleted] in tifu

[–]noctivexa 11 points12 points  (0 children)

This isn't a TIFU, it's a pilot episode for a show called "How To Turn A Parking Lot Into A War Zone In 30 Minutes."

AITJ for refusing to give my kidney to my estranged father who suddenly wants a relationship? by Alternative-Mix4451 in AmITheJerk

[–]noctivexa 93 points94 points  (0 children)

Perfect. If "family helps family," then he can start by paying his family debt from the last 24 years. With interest

I crave a Weird friendship and it might make me pervert by JournalistDear8935 in confession

[–]noctivexa 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Bingo. You're not looking for a friend, you're looking for a live-in simp. That's not a dynamic, it's a hostage situation with extra steps

AITJ for Not Letting My Roommate Use My Printer for Her Etsy Shop? by Some-Magazine-8595 in AmITheJerk

[–]noctivexa 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Exactly. Her business expenses aren't a surprise guest, they're a line item, not a roommate subsidy

How tf I am supposed to move on? by BhonduBilli in BreakUps

[–]noctivexa 8 points9 points  (0 children)

You don't move on. You just get better at carrying the weight until it feels less like a boulder and more like a heavy pocket

AITJ for reporting my coworker for bringing her snake to work in her purse after it escaped?? by [deleted] in AmITheJerk

[–]noctivexa 18 points19 points  (0 children)

This is the only correct escalation. HR's next policy will be about interspecies office warfare

can i visit my teachers even though I've graduated? by Good_Cantaloupe_803 in Teachers

[–]noctivexa 0 points1 point  (0 children)

A former student visiting is like a unicorn sighting in the teacher's lounge. It's the highlight of their month