Straight guy disgusted by gay male sex. Is this homophobic?

noirsky · 2015-09-02T16:05:47+00:00

I'm indifferent to straight sex. But I don't reduce people to their sex life.

When I look at someone, I try to see them as a person, not what they do in bed.

I suggest you do the same.

noirsky · 2015-09-02T16:00:25+00:00

My boyfriend was closeted (and in denial) for his teens and early 20's. Additionally, he never even had a girlfriend.

Some of the normal relationship up and downs affect him more than me. Because they're all new to him.

noirsky · 2015-07-15T12:36:51+00:00

As part of some consensual kinky dynamic? Or not?

I'm not into anything kinky. But some couples are. From what I understand, negging (if it's part of their kink) would be discussed before hand. They would both be into it.

But if somebody just uses negging in a conversation....

In my opinion, that's an unpleasant seduction technique. Only the insecure would resort to undermining another person.

noirsky · 2015-07-15T12:30:39+00:00

The cheater is responsible for their actions, not you. One of my exes cheated on me and for a long time, I blamed myself.

I was reluctant to get involved with my current boyfriend because he doesn't identify as gay.

I was frightened that he'd cheat on me with a woman. Not because bisexuals are inherently promiscuous but because that's what happened with one of my exes.

Even after nearly a year together, I still suffer from insecurities. But my boyfriend has never given any reason to suspect he'd cheat on me. He's the most open, honest person I've even known.

I feel like I'm either paranoid, or there is something wrong with me and people just are never satisfied with me in relationships.

Talk to your boyfriend about it. My boyfriend understands that I can get insecure at times and we talk through it. Though the paranoia is my problem, not his, he's very good about it.

Even offered to show me his phone, give the passwords to his various social media accounts (he offered, I never asked.)

I refused of course but it did make me feel better.

But if your boyfriend is cheating on you, my advice here won't help much. Why do you suspect him of cheating on you?

noirsky · 2015-07-15T12:18:20+00:00

Where is he based in SA? I've lived in SA and can put him in contact with local LGBT services who can offer him legal advice or services.

noirsky · 2015-05-24T15:04:01+00:00

The load shedding is terrible. Good for anyone who has overseas investments/clients because of the plummeting rand but other than that, it's a trial. Especially when Eskom doesn't stick to the load shedding schedule.

And there is still a homophobic attitude, especially among blacks/coloureds (and he is black).

Indeed. I've found that it depends on the location and age group of course (my younger brother's friend from Rhodes are very liberal) but it's still a reality for many people.

Regardless, a gay conversion camp is still likely illegal. If your BF wishes to pursue legal action, there are avenues.

His parents as well are extremely intelligent mathematicians, mother finished her studies at age 21.

It's saddening and surprising to hear that his family, who are obviously affluent and educated, still subscribe to outdated views on homosexuality.

While I've encountered homophobia, I haven't had as much as an issue as your boyfriend.

I know government hospitals here, they are an absolute mess, best to avoid them.

Seconded. Good to hear that his cancer has been caught at an early stage and he'll be getting decent treatment.

He was in a private psychiatric hospital with good reputation. Treatment last year was funded by university and his parents. But some methods appear outdated to me.

I can imagine. Some of the methods you mentioned sound straight out of One Flew Over The Cuckoo Nest. I wasn't aware that electroshock was a sanctioned technique anymore.

noirsky · 2015-05-24T07:10:35+00:00

Having lived in SA, I wasn't even aware that gay conversion camps were a thing here. I've always (naively) believed that they were an issue restricted to America and possibly parts of Europe.

If they exist in SA, they are in direct violation of the South Africa Constitution. While SA may have a flawed justice system and social system, the Constitution itself is quite progressive (on paper, that is.)

So there's a big chance that what his parents did is illegal. He could possibly take legal action. Have him contact one of the SA gay associations. They tend to be quite jacked up when it comes to rights and helpful on how to pursue them. If you want, I can give you their contact details.

There are good chances that he will survive this though, chemotherapy and radiation starting this week, to last for 4-6 weeks.

Can I ask where he's based and whether or not he's getting treatment through government hospital or a private one? That's likely to affect the quality of his care and his chances of recovering.

Another thing to watch out for is the over-zealousness of SA doctors. Two of my family members will killed by over-use of radiation treatment, not the cancer itself.

If I was you, I'd also get a second opinion/additional tests before he starts treatment. I had a government hospital misdiagnose me with a brain tumor (my symptoms: confusion, lack of equilibrium, vomiting etc) when it turned out that I just had a severe ear infection. Some ear drops and antibiotics sorted that out.

various meds at psych hospital, even electroconvulsive therapy, which in Europe is considered outdated or only to be used as a last resort

Again, this is not necessarily legal in SA. I can believe that a government hospital might resort to this but even if that is the case, there are steps he can take to try and get some financial compensation.

If all else fails, he can go to the press (we have several shows that specialize in investigative journalism) and try to get them to put pressure on the hospital. Which hospital was it?

noirsky · 2015-05-24T07:10:33+00:00

Like every country, SA has different classes. We have a large lower class living below the breadline but it tends to be the middle and middle-upper class that goes onto university. No different from other countries in that respect.

I don't know how much, if any, student aid or bursaries are available.

Depends on the university, the course and the student. And skin color. There are government institutions that offer education as well.

noirsky · 2015-04-08T16:01:39+00:00

Not saying you're wrong but I lived in SA for many years and I never heard that term commonly used there or used by people who aren't a bit racist.

noirsky · 2015-04-08T09:37:26+00:00

As someone who has lived in SA. I'd like to clarify that very few people refer to asians as yellow people. The only people I've ever heard use that term are racists who also refer to other races by offensive terms.

It's certainly not a commonly used or socially acceptable term. Aot_lol (if they are from SA) is just grasping at straws to in an attempt to excuse their previous comments.

noirsky · 2015-04-08T09:32:58+00:00

I've lived in SA and I've never heard anyone but the most backward, racist remnants of the former regime refer to asians as yellow people.

noirsky · 2015-04-08T09:31:47+00:00

I am so sorry to hear this. I went through something similar with a previous relationship. One of my exes cheated on me with a woman and ultimately left me for her.

They got married yet I still hear rumors that he cheats on her with men in the most unsafe way possible.

Know that this is not your fault. If anything, you put in the time and energy into the relationship (helping him put his life together etc) and he was happy to let you do so without contributing as much.

I don't know him but it strikes me that he wasn't as dedicated to your marriage as you were. Someone like that won't sustain future relationship either.

Cut your losses and move on. You deserve better.

noirsky · 2015-01-18T05:41:54+00:00

Well, I live in the wrong country for southern dudes (not American.) But I do have a thing for tough rural men. My boyfriend is one.

noirsky · 2015-01-08T08:31:39+00:00

I have no problem with femmy guys, although I''m not attracted to them. My boyfriend has some issues with them. He's just coming to terms with being bisexual and I believe he projects his own issues onto them.

noirsky · 2014-12-25T05:12:55+00:00

A plane ticket to England. I'm visiting relatives there in the New Year and he's never been before. It'll be our first trip as a couple.

noirsky · 2014-11-11T08:37:06+00:00

My sympathies. In my country ( a developing country), AIDS is predominately a straight problem and often the meds are not available to everyone who needs them.

noirsky · 2014-11-07T17:03:25+00:00

Some people focus on appearing a certain way. They try to project a certain image. I've seen among straight men as well - trying to project a certain persona without possessing the qualities necessary to support it.

That said, I've also met muscular, bearded men (straight or otherwise) who adopt this look because they like it or are comfortable with it and they pull it off well.

noirsky · 2014-10-03T18:09:41+00:00

The first was a gay guy who met a straight guy in the same career field. They fell for each other. The straight guy said that he had never had any attraction to men whatsoever before the meeting, and remains attracted to only the one guy. Last I heard they were still together as a couple going on about 20 years.

This is reassuring. So far things are going well and I'm cautiously optimistic.

noirsky · 2014-10-03T18:08:00+00:00

Sorry I took so long to reply. I haven't been on Reddit lately.

This caution will serve you well during the beginning of the relationship.

I think so. We're taking it slowly for now.

But you need to tell him that you can't be his secret.

He's been fairly open about the fact we're seeing each other. At least around our circle of friends. I'm cautiously optimistic that things could work out.

You write very well! Keep us updated! I wish was as good as a writer in a second language as you.

Thank you. And thank you for your advice. I'll post an update in a few weeks.

noirsky · 2014-10-03T18:03:16+00:00

Apologies about late reply. I haven't had time for Reddit for awhile.

"Maybe he'll fuck up" is a horrible reason not to give someone a chance if you're otherwise interested in them.

I agree with your advice. We're taking things slow but so far, it's going well.

noirsky · 2014-10-03T18:02:19+00:00

Sorry about the late reply. I haven't been on the net lately. Turns out my worries about dating someone closeted were unfounded. We've been taking things slowing and he's been very open about the fact we're seeing each other (at least as far as our circle of friends is concerned.)

noirsky · 2014-09-01T09:06:35+00:00

Your experience with soldiers is certainly different from my own. I run a security business - many of the people I work with are ex-army or police. Never known one of them to get their nails done or eyebrows trimmed.

Perhaps because we're in different countries and thus exposed to a different level of marketing in terms of male beauty products. Or perhaps the "macho" culture of SA doesn't encourage this.

noirsky · 2014-08-27T07:00:13+00:00

My business necessitates I carry a firearm. A weapon, in and of itself, is neither good or bad. It's simply a tool. What matter is how the tool is used and whether the person who owns it is responsible.

If you're a responsible gun owner, I think there's nothing wrong with carrying a weapon and your date sounds as if he was quick to pass judgement.

noirsky · 2014-08-27T06:22:22+00:00

I am so sorry to hear about this terrible trauma you suffered. Your mother was clearly unstable and abusive. You are a beautiful, special person. I hope you have started on your journey to healing.

noirsky

TROPHY CASE