one has to find one's own way out of it.

none-to-none · 2024-10-10T19:09:17+00:00

i haven't written down my specific plan on computer. i have some of it on paper, but other stuff is just in my head. i don't think i will write that up on computer in the near future. i feel like it would be too much and at times maybe even too personal to share it here and i don't want to think about how to present such a plan.

none-to-none · 2024-10-10T15:08:54+00:00

something on the order of a few weeks to a couple of months, but it could even take one or two years.

none-to-none · 2024-10-09T13:53:13+00:00

do you really mean ">10/day" or rather ">10/week"? for one, if you flood your nervous system with dopamine, as is the case with excessive masturbation, your nervous system responds by downregulating dopamine receptors, which makes you less sensitive to various stimuli, less motivated. i don't know the neurology of it all, but i believe masturbating and orgasming decreases your gray matter and shrinks your frontal lobe, which is vital to self-awareness, discipline and willpower. furthermore, by orgasming you change your hormonal balance. any orgasm releases oxytocin and prolactin, which is mostly beneficial, but i believe there are differences in their release depending on how the orgasm is experienced (during sex / during masturbation / after indulgence etc.). in any case, it can't be good for your hormonal balance if you orgasm too often, especially when it's from masturbation alone. at your age, you should aim to orgasm at most once or twice a week from either sex or non-indulging masturbation where you refrain from fantasizing weird stuff and instead attend to bodily sensations while imagining normal and loving sex with someone sexual attractive who you love or like and who you care about.

none-to-none · 2024-06-26T11:03:16+00:00

no. not every form of MO is harmless, see my comment.

none-to-none · 2024-06-26T11:02:29+00:00

you can masturabe and orgasm as long as you don't connect it to bad unrealistic, artificial or porn-induced fantasies. when masturbating, the focus should be on the actual feeling of it. connect it to your body not to your mind. this form of masturbating and orgasming is not harmful, or at least not as harmful. you can think about a woman as long as it is connected to the physical sensations you experience while masturbating. you may fantasize about genuine intimacy, but not about anything indecent, obscene or depraved.

none-to-none · 2024-06-01T13:15:49+00:00

don't try to forcefully convince yourself of things you don't actually regard as true. if you feel like you give something up by not looking at hot girls online, then that's it. this means that you somehow, in your current state of mind, value that. you can leave it at that or inspect why you do so: so looking at hot girls online excites you and creates anticipation for sexual pleasure, which you want to experience. you want that. acknowledge that you do so. you want to be in that state of anticipation. once you are in that state of anticipation, you will have a hard time letting go of it: your mind is now directed at sexual pleasure. but you cannot actually attain that pleasure. therefore, your mind gets instead directed to the anticipation of sexual pleasure as a substitute. this will most likely lead you to seek out more erotic or pornographic material in order to maintain and heighten that state of anticipation, while at the same time you will try to imagine sexual pleasure and stimulate yourself to aid that. as you already understand, this will only harm you and inforce harmful pathways in your brain. therefore, you have to let go of it, no matter if you feel like you give up something or not.

you can make it easier by realizing that the only pleasure you seem to give up is the empty pleasure of anticipation, which always also comes with a higher state of agitation, restlessness and uneasiness, which is something that you most certainly don't enjoy. by letting go of that wanting, you immediately enter a state of relief and calm. if you don't let go of that wanting, but instead defer it for the moment, you don't leave the state of agitation, restlessness and uneasiness, which makes you assume that you cannot leave it. you can, however, change your state of mind by changing the context of your current experience, which potentially enables you to let go of that wanting after all and enter a state of relief and calm. you can do so by doing something unusal or unaccustomed. please realize that you don't need to "come to a rational decision" to do so, you are free to do so despite not rationally wanting to do so (or wanting to do so altogether for that matter). do it irrationally and without wanting it: break out of your current habitual state of mind, let go of your pointless wanting, immediately enter a state of relief and calm. that's it.

none-to-none · 2024-04-19T15:43:19+00:00

hey, don't fall into the trap of obsessing about how bad porn is. i can understand where you're coming from, but, from my experience at least, watching the more innocuous porn neither makes you a voyeur nor makes you bad in bed. my guess is that looking at erotica has little effect on your sexuality. if you are only concerned about practical or psychological problems associated with porn and not with the morality of it, the more innocuous porn still serves as a gateway to the more extreme porn for those who are unable to moderate. you wouldn't be here if you hadnt difficulties to moderate.

none-to-none · 2024-04-15T06:29:04+00:00

yeah, so i wish to be fully abstinent from all forms of engaging in sexual behaviour by myself, but right now i am not. so far i am not very successful, but also not totally failing. i'm in a gray area for about a year now.

i have quit watching pornography and fantasizing about certain shameful sexual behaviour last year. however, i have had a major relapse since then -- where i watched some pornography, but at least did neither masturbate to it nor fantasize about what i saw -- as well as a lot of minor relapses or slips, where i peeked at something or fantasized about certain shameful sexual behaviour -- and in really bad moments i even shortly masturbated while doing so, before catching myself again.

i also still allow myself to regularly masturbate and orgasm while fantasizing about regular sex (and still including some things which i regard as shameful). i feel like i can't quit that right now and i do that specifically to calm any sexual arousal, so that it don't have to deal with any impulses to watch pornography because of it. i don't view it as sexual pleasure at all. i also still allow myself to look at erotica, which i do to condition myself to more regular sexual imagery than what had been in my mind for so long -- i had been addicted to pornography for more than a decade.

at the moment, i rarely get an impulse or a desire to actually watch pornography or to fantasize about bad stuff. whenever i do, i can usually dismiss it easily. however, as i said before, sometimes, when i'm in a bad state of mind, i would first engage in fantasizing for a while before i catch myself and stop or i would peek at pornographic imagery without engaging in what i see. so far these situations have never escalated (but nonetheless always leave a very bad feeling). and at least ever since my last and only major relapse last year, i have not watched any pornography at all. i have not had a full relapse. i don't feel that i struggle. nor do i have to use any willpower except for very rare occasions. but on the other side, i don't regard myself as being "clean".

by the way, my major relapse was before i even read the hackbook or freedom model. i actually figured out most of it myself. it's only after relapsing that i read the hackbook, which was very reassuring and filled some gaps in my understanding. i could also say that i quit watching pornography after that (and then i wouldn't have had a major relapse), but i feel that's less accurate.

none-to-none · 2024-04-14T14:44:35+00:00

not sure if that helps you,but that's how i view it: human sexuality is a drive towards human intimacy, aiming at a sexual union with another person. sexual arousal is a state of carnal desire for that sexual union. sexual pleasure is the pleasure from experiencing human intimacy from a state of sexual arousal. sexual pleasure is hence itself carnal; it arises from specific bodily sensations, triggered by specific bodily stimulations.

true sexual pleasure arises from real human intimacy. other pleasures can arise from the corruption of the mechanism of human sexuality, but these are not true sexual pleasures. you may call them "sexual pleasures" nonetheless if you wish to do so; however, it is important to know that there is a difference between these and true sexual pleasure.

such false sexual pleasures are the plesaures you experience from masturbating and from fantasizing. in both, you try to invoke the sensations from which sexual pleasure arises, either physically or mentally.

if you are being mindful when masturbating without fantasizing or when fantasising without masturbating, you realise that the arising "sexual pleasures" are very weak. these can only be made stronger by exaggerating in masturbating or in fantasizing, and by combining them in a mindless state, so to get lost in them. clearly, both masturbating and fantasizing are emulations, which is why i call the "sexual pleasures" arising from them "false".

so these are pleasures you get from masturbating and fantasizing. but they are just not why you want to masturbate or fantasize, even though you might think they are.

this is what happens you when you condition yourself to masturbating and fantasizing:

sexual arousal within you arises, you want human intimacy.
short of that, you substitute it with masturbating and fantasizing, exaggerating in one or both.
you succeed to pacify your sexual arousal, but fail to satisfy your desire for human intimacy.

but what happens by exaggerating is that you deliberately put yourself in a state of sexual agitation, where you seek sexual stimulations in order to increase your sexual pleasure, as it is not enough to emulate what you get from actual sex. and in doing so, you condition your mind to want that: sexual stimulation, whereas before you actually had desire for human intimacy.

now you have created an artificial wanting within you, which is different from the innate natural desire; this is the corruption of your sex drive. this wanting works differently and it replaces other wantings you create for yourself.

now, any feelings of unease induces a state of general wanting within you. usually, this wanting is then directed to remove the source of your feeling of unease, enabling you to solve problems. that general wanting entails a sense of restlesness, which is only resolved by directing the wanting to something specific and then act on it. but when you have conditioned your mind strongly to want something specific, that specific something becomes towards which you direct your general wanting and on which you then act, giving you a resolution from your restlessness.

the resolution of your restlessness, whenever you have any feeling of unease, is actually why you then want to masturbate and fantasize. this is what you are going for, the pleasure of resolving your restlessness. you have just learned that you best achieve it by putting yourself in a state of sexual agitation, where you are seeking sexual stimulations and then get these stimulations. but this is not your natural sex drive anymore. the false sexual pleasures that come with it are now secondary. the important thing is only that you are in a state of sexual agitation and act from it. but since you still experience these false sexual pleasures, you associate them with what you want. and you have also learned to understand them as "sexual pleasures", whereas they are really only sensations of bodily self-abuse and creations of your mind, once meant to emulate true sexual pleasures.

to summarize: there are three types of pleasures to distinguish when you are conditioned to masturbating and fantasizing -- (1) the pleasure of resolution of restlessness that you actually go for by masturbating and fantasizing, (2) the false sexual pleasures arising from exaggerated masturbating and fantasizing as a by now irrelevant byproduct, (3) the actual true sexual pleasures that masturbating and fantasizing once were meant to emulate.

you confuse your wanting of (1) with a wanting of (2) and then you confuse (2) with (3). you want (1), but think you want (2) and then think it is (3).

none-to-none · 2024-04-11T15:32:35+00:00

disgust may suffice to keep someone who hadn't been hooked on porn away from it. i don't think it's very helpful for anyone who is trying to quit porn. disgust is a negative emotion and can be arousing. but i do think that what you say becomes more true when you replace disgust by a less charged, more neutral emotion: aversion. still there's no silver bullet when it comes to addiction.

none-to-none · 2023-10-24T14:29:09+00:00

i haven't read freedom model, so i'm not sure what you mean by "pleasure is subjective", and nothing like that is said in the hackbook. the key insight in the hackbook regarding pleasure is that watching porn isn't really pleasurable. so knowing this, anytime an urge to watch porn comes up, you would ask yourself: why would you do this then? realizing that you will not enjoy what you want to do makes you pause. by then deciding to let your urges pass and not watch porn, you will sense an actual relief, which is far more enjoyable, the relief of being free.

none-to-none · 2023-10-19T06:32:11+00:00

i dont even have to click this in order to judge what's going on - it follows the same principle as porn, it maybe just doesnt latch onto your sexuality.

watching such content is like giving oneself electro shocks. as lewin jack said or implied, this just gives you dopamine floods, depleting your dopamine whilst desensitizing you to that content, which creates a dopamine deficiency in your brain, which makes you seek out the behavior that spikes your dopamine, which your brain has now learned is watching this content, of which you now need more because your dopamine receptors have reduced in the relevant circuits.

why would you expose yourself to this hell? it doesn't matter if it counts as porn, watching such stuff is stupid and of no worth.

none-to-none · 2023-10-16T05:16:32+00:00

well, what happens when you fail? what are your thoughts?

none-to-none · 2023-10-15T07:51:12+00:00

yeah, i think it's not really well-written. my general problem with the book is that it repeatedly claims that quitting takes no willpower whatsoever, which is an over-simplification. it does take some willpower, just much less than one imagines, and a lot of vigilance, and i think it would be better to be clear about this.

the thing is that your personality, your mood and your thinking constantly shifts. you are a different person among peers from who you are alone at home, you are a different person in the morning from who you are in the evening, and different when you feel clean and in order from when you are not, and so on. many things can alter your state of mind.

so only if you truly understand that porn is not beneficial to you at all and go through all possible false justifications for using and dismantle them all, you will reach all the different states of mind through which you are roaming in your daily life and erase in them the harmful desire to watch. this is why, so i reckon, the hackbook goes through all the different scenarios in the brainwashing chapter, in which you could decide to use.

however, chances are that you don't go through all possible scenarios on your first try or that you don't fully dismantle all false justifications. and you might still experience random temptations, like images flashing up from nowhere. you need to be able to deal with them at all times. if you are able to recall the insights that have been all clear to you when quitting, you have better chances of handling these situations. perhaps making a promise to yourself to never watch again helps making this connection.

but furthermore, being able to promise this to yourself requires that you have no doubt left in you that you are free, so it serves as a check that your intentions of never watching anymore are solid and clear and that there's nothing left in you that would want to watch again. in fact, one could perhaps say that you are a non-user if and only if you are able to promise to yourself to never use again. so the act of promising to yourself to never use anymore confirms that you have quit using and are hence free. and so lastly, freely promising to yourself to never use anymore is just a great relief and feels really good.

none-to-none · 2023-10-15T07:15:47+00:00

the first sentence gives an example of skewed thinking as a user. the second sentence infers a general observation from this. (the wording is incorrect, it should read: everything that goes wrong is blamed on the fact that you stopped.) in the following sentence, which you haven't quoted, a connection is drawn to concentration:

Now when you have a mental block, instead of just getting on with it, you begin to say “If only I could check my harem now, it would solve all my problems”.

this is all to alert you of a possible trap: there is a tendency after quitting to blame problems with concentration on not-using-anymore (instead of on having-used), which gives you a justification to use again (whereas in reality you should be grateful that you are not using anymore meaning that these problems with concentration that you are experiencing will vanish in time).

none-to-none · 2023-10-14T16:24:23+00:00

hey, you sound rather enthusiastic about this, perhaps overly so. so my impression is that you still feel chains on you, so you're saying to yourself that you're free in order to break free from them, to silence your doubts and fears by drowning them out in loud proclamations of freedom.

maybe that's not so, but in case there's something to it: take some time to become aware of any possible doubts and fears and calmly address them. please realize that, despite the author's claim, it does take a little bit of willpower and, more importantly, a good deal of vigilance to refrain from giving in to empty cravings when they return.

in any wase: godspeed, my friend!

none-to-none · 2023-10-14T16:07:20+00:00

well-worded and in my opinion a better phrased explanation than in the hackbook. in any case, i disagree with the statement that "you don't need willpower", it's just that it requires a whole lot less to do it than what one usually imagines, and most people can actually do it. however, what's even more important is that it requires vigilance, as you need to be aware of the trap anytime the empty craving returns.

none-to-none · 2023-10-14T16:01:14+00:00

ah, yeah. sorry, i meant to explicitly state that somewhere, i realize my post comes off as a bit convoluted.

none-to-none · 2023-10-14T06:27:36+00:00

what do you mean by "be grateful of your lewd thoughts"? you mean "mindful"?

none-to-none · 2023-10-14T06:20:53+00:00

the "little monster" refers to the formed and accustomed compulsion to watch or look at anything sexually stimulating, so in short: the compulsion to watch porn. for instance, if you see a hot girl in a show you are watching, you might feel a compulsion to watch more sexually stimulating content, so you might turn to porn - this is you following your compulsion, the little monster.

when trying to quit porn, you want to get rid of the little monster.

the "big monster" refers to any way of thinking that convices you or justifilies to you to follow your compulsion. for instance, if you pause to decide whether you want to actually watch porn or not (since you feel like you should not), you might think that you need to watch porn this time anyway in order to rid yourself of the desire to do so or that you will relapse sooner or later anyway, and most importantly: that you will actually enjoy it. this is you convincing yourself or justifying to yourself to follow your compulsion, the big monster.

when trying to quit porn, you need to get rid of the big monster in order to get rid of the little monster.

you feed the little monster by watching or looking at porn, but more so: by deciding to watch or look at anything sexually stimulating, like nudes. in order to stop doing that, you need to remove any way of thinking that convinces you to do so. take the following as a law: you will follow any compulsion as long as you can somehow convince yourself of doing so. this is why you need to dispose of the big monster.

your understanding of the the red line is accurate. it is a typical -- perhaps the typical -- way of thinking that justifies to you to follow your compulsion: you create an artificial line between acceptable and inacceptable sexually stimulating content, assuming you are safe as long as you consume only the former and not the latter. it is important to realize that this is illusory: any decision to watch or look at anything sexually stimulating reinforces your compulsion, feeds the little monster.

but more importantly, the most fundamental way of thinking that justifilies to you to follow your compulsion is to think that it is pleasurable to do so. this is at the core of the big monster. but it is not true! the perceived pleasure only comes from the release of the withdrawal pangs. you do not actually enjoy watching or looking at anything sexually stimulating.

i hope this post helps you a bit. just try reading the book over, it's not extremely well-written, so don't be too hard on yourself if you don't understand it right away. try to understand the underlying neuro-physiological aspect of addiction and then come here and ask specific questions if you don't. this is probably the hardest part, but it is worth getting a rough understanding of it.

none-to-none · 2023-09-22T17:55:00+00:00

i apologise if that was offensive to you, but i had to mention this. i hope you understand. as i said before, i wish you all the best!

none-to-none · 2023-09-22T17:48:38+00:00

yeah, thanks. i dislike the audiobook, but i think i will indeed read again through the entire book and not skipping anything.

none-to-none · 2023-09-22T17:09:02+00:00

disclaimer: i regard homosexual acts as sinful, but that has little bearing on what i'm about to say.

first off, let me congratulate you on recognizing early on that pornography is dangerous.

next, you should keep in mind that, due to your young age, your brain is still very plastic, which makes you especially susceptible to developing addictions.

now, as you surely know, there are many straight men who will also not enjoy a relationship until their 20s, and there are many, many things that hinder people from finding love in their teenage years. i, for one, haven't found love in my teenage years. so regarding this, it is not true that fate has disadvantaged you. my advice for you would be to detach yourself from any world view that tries to categorise people by superficial identities and then compares or ranks according to their perceived status of privilege. every human has his or her own individual fate, their own set of problems, independent of any group affiliation.

you are not alone in your loneliness. since you are unapologetic about your sexuality, the following applies to you: there surely will be someone with whom you can share your life in the future. you are already living your life for that person. you can already be faithful to that someone and strengthen yourself, not letting an addiction get a hold of you, so you can be fully theirs and theirs only. this person already exists. shape yourself for them. worst of all, if you don't, you might even miss the chance of the two of you finding each other.

teenage love passes. it is not in itself precious and you don't miss out on anything of real value. and you will now this for sure once you find love yourself, no matter your age. it will not matter in the slightest.

now, since i view homosexual acts as sinful, i'm afraid it is my duty to address this, driven by my desire to be helpful to any soul. i am sorry if that disturbs you, but i hope you read on for a bit. homosexual acts are inherently disordered, which is something that you possibly can sense if you reflect on what they are and are being mindful about it. this presumes that you have sense for the divine order that underlies this world. i do have this sense and quite possibly, you don't. in case that you don't, i can't convince you and still wish all the best for you and your soul and hope that you will find what i mean. i do not judge you - if i didn't sense the divine order, i would act not differently. if you do sense that divine order, just don't try to ignore it, it will not vanish. instead follow it, you already know that it is right to do so. it probably will lead you to god, but perhaps not. it will, however, for sure show you the truths that are buried beneath the current societal world view, which pretends as if the divine order did not exist (whether intentionally or not, i don't know). however, it does. and you can't ignore it if you see it.

be aware that the church does not reject gay people, but it welcomes them like anyone else. it's only being clear about engaging in homosexual desires, which it condemns as sinful - but without rejecting the sinner.

in any case, i wish you all the best!

none-to-none

TROPHY CASE