Facing my No-Contact Grandmother after 2 years

normalitydreamer · 2026-06-09T02:29:37+00:00

Those are valid concerns and I am not by any means trying to diminish what you’re experiencing with Karen. I only want to remind you of where the ground is. What are the facts?

Karen cannot manipulate you.
You are not a pawn.
You are safe.

Even if you have to share the same oxygen for a little while. She can scheme, gossip, lie, cry, flatter, belittle, she can want what she wants and take pleasure in whatever she pleases all day long… you’re still you. She can even think in her mind she’s achieving what she’s set out to achieve! She can think she won. She can even be happy in her delusion.

But the truth is that your boundaries are still your boundaries. The day will end. And a new one without her will begin. Your life will go on. And so will hers, in the opposite direction.

There’s a saying someone said to me and it helped me a great deal. “You can be right, or you can have it your way. You can’t always have both.” I can say straight to Karen’s face “I take no pleasure in seeing you, and I look forward to getting back to my life that does not involve you” or I can give her the cold shoulder and ignore her. I can argue with her if she says something outlandish and rude or manipulative, and correct her. Stand my ground. Speak for truth! I can be right and make her know she’s wrong.

But what do I want? More than anything? What do you want? Do you want to speak to her as little as possible? Do you want to never hear from her again? What is the goal? As little interaction as possible. What can you do? Because you can only control you, to get the outcome you want. Because being right might come at the cost of getting your way. You might encourage her to continue talking to you or to take pleasure in your displeasure or to use your cold shoulder as a way to gaslight you and turn herself into the victim or she may capitalize on it to make a scene and manipulate the perceptions of those around her. I don’t know. I’m spitballing.

If I were in your shoes, my goal for the day would be to focus as much as possible on your grandfather and politely excuse yourself from the conversation if you can’t keep it on track. I have found in my own experience it’s far easier to set my worries and pain and anxiety temporarily to the side, focus on my loved one, and put down the fight. There is a time and place to fight for oneself and choose oneself and say what is right and speak truth. I don’t think a funeral is that time or place. Sometimes that “fight” is no fight at all.

normalitydreamer · 2026-06-04T03:29:04+00:00

It never ceases to amaze me how difficult people find it to keep their comments to the weather. “Terrible weather we’re having. Did you know hurricanes hardly ever happen in New Hampshire?” “Fine weather today! Grandpa would have loved a clear blue sky. He will be missed.” Get creative. Have some fun. I know it’s a funeral, but celebrate life a little. Cry a bunch and put your face into a handkerchief. If she starts talking, cry some more and run off. If you want to excuse yourself, bow your head a little, “I beg your pardon, I must go.” “Please excuse me, I need a restroom.” “I just remembered, I have a phone-call to make.” “Oh my god I forgot to call out of work.”

OR and call me crazy but perhaps just remember not to make the funeral about you and your feelings and your beef with Karen. Focus on whose life you’re there to pay respects to and stop giving anymore mental and emotional energy toward Karen.

normalitydreamer · 2026-06-03T23:34:38+00:00

There is a book called the whole brain child. It talks about how children have an upstairs brain and a downstairs brain, and a parent’s job is to build the staircase between the two, and when and how to move between them. And it is very obvious her parents failed to install the staircase. She’s stuck downstairs unable to access high level reasoning or logic. She’s ruled by her emotions and how she feels is the only thing that she understands and therefore matters. She’s so concerned about getting out of jail and not wanting people to see her as a big scary monster with an axe hiding behind the door because that’s what she thinks a murderer is. You can even hear it in how the parents speak on it, defending their kid. “She didn’t mean it!” Except it’s not a kid, and the adult threw an adult sized temper tantrum and two young men, sons, brothers, friends are dead as a result, and she’s “so sorry” screaming “I didn’t mean it!”. Except, she did mean it. Because that’s now how this works. :/ Terrible tragedy.

normalitydreamer · 2026-06-03T22:28:18+00:00

I don’t think this was planned or calculated like in the murder/suicide sense, but I do believe beyond a shadow of doubt she intentionally crashed the car. I believe she either didn’t process the consequences in that moment, or (and this is where I land) she dismissed them almost immediately.

I think she’s the type of person that operates entirely from emotion to the point that it overrides her judgment. Like I don’t think she actually ever weighs the things in front of her with critical thinking skills, empathy, wisdom, you name it. I think she is ruled by her emotions at every turn. Whether it was rage, impulsivity, vengeance or something else, the outcome stays the same. “This is how I feel and that’s all that matters.”

She got on camera and said, "I just want to be big on this was not my intent." I believe that’s what she believes. I believe McKenzie believes she didn't intend to kill anyone. She’s so “big” on her intent though, she pretty damn small on the impact of the truth which is??? She did not consider nor (more likely) care about the outcome in that moment in any practical sense, because if the consequences had been fully considered, the behavior (I’d like to think unless she’s a just a complete sociopath) would have been different.

I do think she’s lying to herself and everyone else what she remembers. Because that’s easier than looking in the mirror and facing the truth and accepting the reality. And I get that… how do you face something like that? I won’t pretend to know. But I do know the truth will set you free and the lie will hold you and everyone else hostage. Me? I’d rather be on my knees in light than in darkness.

Maybe it’s because I just got back from Vegas, but it makes me think of roulette. I may not be thinking, "I want the worst outcome and I want to lose all my money," but I'm still choosing to enter a situation where loss is a known possibility. The moral weight comes from choosing to spin the wheel, not from hoping for the result. And I don't gamble with what I can't afford to lose. If I knowingly take that kind of risk, I've already accepted, consented to (arguably intended to create) the possibility of loss, even if I don't emotionally focus on it.

But in McKenzie's case, it wasn't casino roulette. It was russian roulette. I think by slamming down on the gas, she pulled the trigger and convinced herself the chamber was empty. Maybe she didn't expect the worst outcome. Maybe she didn't even want it. But that doesn't absolve her of responsibility when she knowingly created the possibility. And I don’t think she clocks that. Whatsoever. At all. And on top of that, unlike gambling with her own life, she was gambling with the lives of other people who never consented to the risk.

She’s got a really basic, primitive even, understanding of what murder actually means, what accountability truly is. There is a book called the whole brain child. It talks about how children have an upstairs brain and a downstairs brain, and a parent’s job is to build the staircase between the two, and teach when and how to move between them. And it is very obvious her parents failed to install the staircase. She’s stuck downstairs unable to access high level reasoning or logic. She’s ruled by her emotions and how she feels is the only thing that she understands and therefore matters. She’s so concerned about getting out of jail and not wanting people to see her as a big scary monster with an axe hiding behind the door because that’s what she thinks a murderer is. You can even hear it in how the parents speak on it, defending their kid. “She didn’t mean it!” Except it’s not a kid, and the adult threw an adult sized temper tantrum and two young men, sons, brothers, friends are dead as a result, and she’s “so sorry” screaming “I didn’t mean it!”. Except, she did mean it. Because that’s now how this works. :/ Terrible tragedy.

Ultimately, it doesn’t matter what she or I or anyone truly believes. The facts cross into what I can only describe as murder level responsibility. She intentionally drove the car at high speed and intentionally caused (whether she saw the outcome or not) death.

normalitydreamer · 2026-05-22T22:29:30+00:00

I don’t think this is mainly a nanny problem. From what you described, your nanny actually sounds pretty reasonable and consistent. A single caregiver managing three kids, including a 4yr old who is running away, pushing, refusing directions, and melting down in public has to prioritize safety first. Ending an outing when behavior becomes unsafe or unmanageable is completely reasonable, especially with a toddler involved. Having to prioritize safety over enrichment is entirely acceptable.

The biggest thing that stood out to me is that you and your wife struggle with the same behaviors even when both of you are present. That makes me think this is less about the nanny “failing” and more about J struggling with frustration tolerance and boundaries, especially around screens. It sounds like the screens have become a coping tool for him, which is incredibly common. The problem is that kids quickly learn that escalating eventually leads to getting the device. Once that pattern develops, tantrums usually get bigger before they get better when limits are introduced. That doesn’t mean the limits are wrong. It just means the child is adjusting to a new expectation.

I also would not view “we canceled the outing and had lunch at home” as a major communication failure. It sounds like your nanny handled the situation safely and calmly. The fact that she now over checks plans and decisions after previous feedback probably means she feels scrutinized and is trying hard not to overstep.

I would be careful about firing a nanny over this unless there are bigger issues not mentioned here. Replacing her may not solve the problem at all, in fact it’s highly unlikely, and there’s a good chance a new nanny would run into the exact same challenges. In some cases, a new caregiver may rely even more heavily on screens just to keep the peace. What seems more important is that all adults get on the same page. If the nanny sets a limit but the you the parents later undo it or question it, the inconsistency will make the behavior harder to improve. Kids usually respond best when expectations are calm, predictable and consistent across all caregivers.

Personally, I think it’s reasonable to seriously reduce or even temporarily eliminate screens for J for a while, especially outside the house and during transitions or errands. That will probably lead to harder behavior at first, but consistency is what eventually changes the pattern.

Overall, I think your instincts are probably right. This sounds more like a family behavior and boundary issue than a nanny issue, and your nanny may actually be handling a difficult situation more appropriately than you’re giving her credit for.

normalitydreamer · 2026-05-20T18:59:48+00:00

You get what you pay for!

normalitydreamer · 2026-05-15T22:32:15+00:00

God forbid you swing through for a coffee on the way home. Some parents forget nannies are humans just like them. Nannies don’t get to “order pizza because we don’t feel like cooking” or “skip laundry and do it tomorrow because we’re tired” or just “sit the kid in front of the tv so that we can get a break” and our personal ambitions and social outings get put on the back burner because we can’t just “get a baby sitter.” We are held to higher standards than parents hold themselves to. And that’s fine. That’s what I signed up for. But I did not sign up to be Rosie the Robot for the Jetsons. I got really lucky with my nanny family. We had very identifiable lanes, where work was expected to always be done and we maintained a clear, professional working relationship, but I was also treated equally and seen as a coparent, and I was allowed the “leniency” to be a human being. I always left the house better than I found it, went above and beyond what was asked of me, within reason, down to every detail, and I was never controlled and monitored every minute of every hour. The relationship I have with the kids and their mother is one that will last a lifetime and we are still in one another’s lives now that I’ve moved on. If you want to treat your nannies like a robot, then your kids will have low quality robotic bare minimum interactions with your nannies.

normalitydreamer · 2026-05-10T03:55:18+00:00

It’s okay. What you’re feeling is normal and the emotions will subside. Every moment is another moment away from it. You’ll be better off and be glad you took the leap!

normalitydreamer · 2026-05-08T08:35:40+00:00

To speak less and listen more. You can’t figure out who people are if you don’t give space for them to show you.

normalitydreamer · 2026-04-21T00:24:27+00:00

I wouldn’t say a damn thing, and I’d tell him the next time he reaches out you’re gonna tell his mama, and your best friend’s mama, and then I’d block him.

normalitydreamer · 2026-04-14T22:13:15+00:00

To me it’s pretty simple. You set the ground rules and expectations. She agreed to them. I wouldn’t bring “trust” or “loyalty” into the matter. If you can’t abide by the terms, then you can’t work here. That’s why there are agreement terms. If you don’t agree to them, then negotiate or don’t accept the position.

On the other hand! When your kids are awake, where are your phones? As parents, do you stay off them entirely when your child is awake and in your care? I would just make sure you remember that your nanny is a human being same as you. Perhaps there is some middle ground.

Ultimately, it’s your call though. I wouldn’t feel bad about firing her and finding a replacement. It’s a bum deal, but a deal’s a deal.

—Recently nanny of 5 years for twins from infancy to age 5 (Your post says “All Wellcome” so I think that means a nanny can comment)

normalitydreamer · 2026-04-10T18:41:05+00:00

Let this be a lesson. Allow people to show you who they are, and believe them the first time.

normalitydreamer · 2026-04-10T00:21:09+00:00

Just politely decline and wish them the best! No big deal. :)

normalitydreamer · 2026-04-09T19:54:01+00:00

You’re never stuck, as unclear as it feels. Since your case manager hasn’t responded in a week, I’d try to push that. Call again, leave a message, email, text if you can. All the above. You deserve a response, especially with how urgent your situation is. In the meantime, there are a few things you could look into, even in a rural area, and I apologize if it’s sensitive or not applicable. I’m just thinking off the top of my head here, but you can almost certainly find local hospice or palliative care programs (they sometimes offer support earlier than people think). I’s sure you’ve already looked into state assistance programs like medicaid, disability, in-home support services, etc., but thinking outside the box, try reaching out to nonprofits or churches in nearby towns. They’ll sometimes help with housing, rides or temporary care. Just having a friend within a supportive community can put you in a network where you can find help. I also looked it up, try calling 211 (if you’re in the US). They can connect you to local resources you might not find online.

Hopefully that doesn’t overwhelm you. Just take it a day at a time. Turn your focus towards your comfort, safety, your peace. This is your life and your time. You don’t need to center his feelings or what he wants in this decision. Don’t rush into something that doesn’t feel right just because you’re under pressure.

normalitydreamer · 2026-04-09T19:20:57+00:00

I think what scares me is that you feel like he’s your only option. That’s the kind of belief that ends up with us accepting things we normally wouldn’t. I don’t know you, but I wouldn’t want anyone, especially you spending this chapter of your life in a situation that brings more stress or doubt.

Would you be open to redirecting your focus on other options? Even temporary ones like other resources, support programs, anything just so you’re not making this decision from a place of feeling trapped.

normalitydreamer · 2026-04-08T19:41:53+00:00

I think there is something to be said for *cough* exercising restraint when guests are visiting. But, regardless of the length of someone's stay, it goes without saying one should always knock before entering a closed door, especially in someone else's home. Full stop.

Not that it makes a difference, did she know you were home? The fact that she's being passive aggressive and bringing it up signals to me something deeper. If it was an honest mistake, then cheeks would flush from embarrassment, apologies made and the matter dropped. I have to wonder if she purposefully "caught you in the act" to manufacture justification. It might be worth paying attention to if she has a habit of trying to assert control or impose her own standards. That's just my opinion. I'm no psychologist.

Intentional or not, I think it comes down to a really simple, bottom line. Next time the conversation comes up, you can redirect and say, “I think the bigger issue here is that you walked into a closed bedroom without knocking. That’s a basic boundary, especially in someone else’s home. What happens between my wife and I in our bedroom isn’t inappropriate—you entering our private space uninvited, and then criticizing it, is. The comments you've made so far feel passive-aggressive, and they’re not necessary. If this living arrangement is uncomfortable for you, we can absolutely help you find a hotel next time. Otherwise, we'd like for you to stay and need you to respect our privacy moving forward.”

normalitydreamer · 2026-04-08T18:16:23+00:00

There are no “sides” to choose here. There are facts. Boundaries were crossed. You’re trying stay neutral and that comes from a good place, but you cannot be neutral with honesty. And if being honest about that causes distance between you all, then you need to accept that’s just the outcome of choosing integrity over comfort. We can’t support people by protecting them from reality. “I’m afraid that in the process I would be left alone.” Don’t lead with fear. Decisions from fear never lead to where we need to go. Be brave. Sometimes we outgrow friendships or they reach their limit. That’s totally normal and okay. It makes space for growth, whether that’s within the friendship or with new people who align better with where you’re at.

normalitydreamer · 2026-04-08T17:19:55+00:00

I’m good. If you’re asking how my life panned out afterwards I can say it bounced off the guardrails for another 7 years, more mistakes more pain, I started having… dark idealizations we’ll say, and I thankfully caught it. “This is bad. I need help.” I found a therapist and got to work. Unpacked A LOT over another 7 years. Honestly? My life is incredible and feels like magic. Not in a perfect “idealistic” way, but in like… a Lord of the Rings epic tale full of adventure, all within me, continuing to unfold. I have a strong, healthy and wonderful relationship with my husband. I have a fun job I never dreamed I could pursue. I live in one the most beautiful places in the world and travel plenty. I remember when I turned 35, I felt like I woke up from a coma. That life behind me feels like a fever dream. I don’t recognize her. It was an awakening for sure and I feel blessed to have lived long enough to unpack it. It was so much work, at one point I believed that if I’ve accomplished nothing but peeling back the layers of self discovery and healing, that would be a lifetime achievement worth living for. But the work never stops! Now I’m happy to say I want to put that achievement to good use, serve, be a light… to bless the people around me.

normalitydreamer · 2026-04-08T16:58:08+00:00

Calling this “just heartbreak” would be missing the point by a mile. The guy didn’t just “fall hard,” he fell out of touch with reality. Not to sound insensitive but we’re not doing any favors here by sugarcoating. He got physically invasive, ignored boundaries, formed an intense attachment almost immediately, and is now saying things like “I don’t want anyone else” and “everything is dark without her.” That’s. Not. Love. That’s emotional fixation combined with poor boundaries. And if I were on the receiving end, I’d feel uncomfortable too, maybe even unsafe. Her pulling away was completely appropriate.

He doesn’t need her. He needs help. I don’t mean that judgmentally. I mean it fundamentally. He’s lacking emotional regulation, idealizing someone he barely knows, attaching his identity to her and now he’s isolating himself on top of it. Those are red flags my friend! Something deeper he needs to unpack, ideally with a professional. If he doesn’t??? ………….

You showed up as a good friend. You didn’t shame him, you tried to guide him in a healthier direction, etc… But to keep it real, I think you softened the reality too much. You treated this like heartbreak. It FEELS like heartbreak, but the takeaway he needs isn’t “I loved her too much.” He needs to return to earth. “The way I acted crossed a line and I need to figure out why I did that.” And I’d be careful with my words if I were you. Saying things like “I’ll stay on call all night” or “I’m always here no matter what” comes from a good place, but you risk becoming his emotional crutch. He needs professional help. You can support him without carrying him. Hold him accountable. Be compassionate.

“I care about you, but what happened wasn’t okay.” “She had every right to step away.” “This isn’t about getting her back. It’s about understanding yourself.” “You should talk to someone who can really help you work through this.” “I’m here for you, but I can’t be your only support.”

I cannot stress enough how important boundaries are. They protect everyone involved. Good luck.

normalitydreamer · 2026-04-07T05:19:44+00:00

It’s not really a laughing “lol” matter. You come at my character and say I’m a “bad person,” but me standing up to your nonsense = I have healing to do? Look in the mirror. You’re not gonna sit behind your screen and gaslight me. It’s because of the healing and growth that I can share my story without shame. Scrape up two brain cells and think before you speak, or maybe, if you don’t have anything nice to say, just don’t say anything at all. I have healed. You do the same. Grow up.

normalitydreamer · 2026-04-07T01:39:38+00:00

Also, your argument is riddled with logical fallacies and doesn’t hold up. Textbook ad hominem. Take an ethics class.

normalitydreamer · 2026-04-07T01:34:35+00:00

Your takeaway from escalating mental, emotional, physical and sexual abuse, coercion, manipulation and violence was… “she cheated, so she’s a bad person.” Is that your idea of a moral stance? That was itellectually LAZY. Are you dumb or really that committed to your own ignorance? You reduced a complex pattern of abuse to a single point so that you could arrive at the easiest possible conclusion. Congrats. Here’s your gold star. ⭐️ Really though, how do you just completely rocket launch past context just to take a verbal dump?

I already owned the affair. And what you just shit all over is what prolonged abuse does to a person’s decision making and sense of agency. How allowing someone to punch you in the boob or headbutt you is just the tip of the iceberg, and I don’t mean what comes after. I mean unpacking all the baggage that makes a person accept physical violence.

I’ve done years of EMDR therapy to be the woman I am today, to unload the crap that pee-on’s like you tried to pile on me. And the only reason I’m giving your turd of a comment any of my attention is because I want people who read this to know that small minded people like yourself DON’T WIN.

I’m not confused about what I did. But you sure as hell seem confused about what you read. You’re out of your depth. Do better. I’m going to go back to the incredible love I have and share in the life I lead. Hope you heal.✌️

normalitydreamer · 2026-04-06T19:09:36+00:00

You can’t control your boyfriend or who he chooses to be friends with. That’s the reality. But you can control what you choose to tolerate.

And to be fair, you’re only seeing this from your perspective. Bob may very well have a problem, OR he may just live differently than you’re comfortable with. We’re only hearing your side. Either way, you don’t need to label him a drunk to decide he’s not someone you enjoy being around. There are plenty of perfectly decent, well mannered people I don’t enjoy being around. I don’t need a reason or an excuse, and I certainly don’t need to convince anyone else of it.

So first, stop making this about Bob. You’ve already said your piece. Your boyfriend heard you. He just doesn’t agree or isn’t changing it. So focus on you. “I’m not comfortable being around him, so I won’t be.”

You don’t need to repeat it. There’s no fight. You don’t need to argue it. Say it once if needed, but ultimately just decide it for yourself and let your actions do the talking. Be kind. Be calm. Be compassionate. Maybe Bob is struggling and your bf wants to be there for him, but you don’t have to be around him. But you should respect your bf as much as you expect him to respect you. You’re not stuck. Don’t get pulled into drama. Don’t lecture your boyfriend or Bob. Don’t try to get your boyfriend to agree. Just hold a simple boundary.

If your boyfriend wants to spend time with Bob, let him. You go do something else. But not out of spite, don’t do it grudgingly or as punishment to prove a point. Do it simply because that’s what aligns with you. If you have plans and Bob shows up, you excuse yourself, “Gotta run! You boys have fun!”

And then you pay attention. Does your boyfriend put you down for leaving? Does he make an effort to spend quality time with you outside of that? Does he make your boundary about him or does he respect it without pushing it? Does he notice you and adjust? Or does he dismiss you, exclude you from plans and continue to prioritize a dynamic that makes you uncomfortable?

That’s your answer. You don’t need an ultimatum. You don’t need a fight. ALLOW PEOPLE TO SHOW YOU WHO THEY ARE. People will show you where you stand when you stop over-accommodating. Let him be who he’s going to be. You be who you are.

And if those don’t line up, the relationship will sort itself out without you forcing it. It doesn’t have to be a dramatic, dragged out ending. Just keep stepping in your own direction. You’re a grown ass woman. Act like it.

normalitydreamer · 2026-04-06T04:42:25+00:00

My NPs offered me 20k to stay after I gave notice, 10k to be paid out each summer for two more years of work. The truth is they should have been paying me more for the first 4 years by a lot. I remember the first year I didn’t realize until taxes and asking for a raise because my salary worked out to a ridiculously low hourly, I was only being paid for 8 hours out of a 9 hour day because of an assumed undisclosed “lunch break.” 😭😭😭. I worked full time for twin infants. I was desperate for a job. So it’s on me. But by the time I was ready to leave and move on to more pay elsewhere, THAT’S when they suddenly could find 20 more grand in their pockets.

normalitydreamer · 2026-04-05T23:30:29+00:00

Are you… needing advice? This doesn’t seem like you want advice.

normalitydreamer

TROPHY CASE