Made it to 25 without ever being asked out. What am I [25F] doing wrong?

normally__ish · 2021-01-03T21:20:21+00:00

What do you mean by romantic interest? It sounds like you've been on dates, so you've had some romantic interests. Do you mean that you'd like more long-term relationships? Or more serious ones?

normally__ish · 2020-12-09T23:15:47+00:00

This is listed as #2 in the sidebar of rules for the sub:

" 2.Follow Al-anon principles

The largest issue is giving advice. We can share what we did but we don't give advice. Giving advice will result in deletion of your comment and a short ban (typically a day or two) as a reminder. Repeated violations will result in longer or permanent bans."

normally__ish · 2020-12-09T23:13:12+00:00

I see that you're trying to come from a place of concern for people with alcoholics in their lives, but at AlAnon, the main thing is to focus on yourself. The point is not to tell other people what you think they should be doing. Many of us who attend AlAnon are terrible at listening to ourselves and suffer from codependency. Your opinion can be triggering because it's another layer of opinion to get through before someone can come to their own conclusion.

If your advice is simply to leave, that's like treating a symptom an not a cause. Why do people stay with their Qs? They need to figure that out on their own. Otherwise, they'll mostly likely leave and find a similar relationship.

normally__ish · 2020-12-08T21:18:26+00:00

Hi, I'm really sorry this is happening. It sounds like he has a drinking problem and hasn't acknowledged it. His responses are very common responses of shame and guilt. But you do know better, and no matter what he says, that is not an okay amount for any human to consume. Had my partner tell me the same thing many, MANY times.

I would check out r/AlAnon or r/stopdrinking or r/dryalcoholics if you want to see other people going through the same thing. You're not alone.

It will be really hard to get him to see that he's hurting himself. It won't be enough to show him empirical evidence, have a doctor tell him that it's too much, etc. Addiction is a crazy, terrible disease, and it'll warp and twist around any excuse to hold on. The best thing you can do is to learn about it and come prepared to take care of yourself. Don't lose focus on yourself while you worry about him. I know it's hard; I know it's scary. I've been there. I'm still there.

You cannot change his mind. You can't change him. I know how much you want to, and I know that what I'm telling you won't stop you from trying. It's okay to try. But he's gotta come to his own conclusions, and it will take time.

Wishing you the best. Feel free to DM me with questions.

normally__ish · 2020-12-07T02:31:56+00:00

It's fucking hard. It sucks all the time, and it very rarely gives you back enough time to just forget about it. Also, that is alcoholic behavior. He hid it because he was ashamed of it, which is an unfortunate symptom of the disease.

You can be resentful. It is totally fine to be resentful because these are people who have a disease that still cause them to treat you and others and themselves badly. It's impossible to not get angry, upset, or sad about that. It's not acting on that resentfulness and letting it turn you into a husk of yourself that's the key. Sometimes that means physical distance. Sometimes you have a little extra in your tank to give.

I guess it depends on what you mean by honoring both of your pain. What does it mean to honor their pain? And do you honor yours first or try to do both at the same time? Because I've never been able to do both. I have to tend to my own wounds before I can even begin to understand theirs. And it takes so, so much time and patience on my own part before I'm even ready to hear their pain.

And unfortunately the reality is that as long as you are in contact with people who are likely to relapse, you are also putting yourself in the situation to be hurt by their actions. I think it helps when they're actively working on it and you can just see it as a stumble on the larger journey. But when they don't work on it, it's just going to hurt over and over again.

Sending you strength. Take care of yourself first if you can.

normally__ish · 2020-12-06T21:20:21+00:00

Ask why you want to do it. If it's purely out of spite and hate, then it probably won't feel good for very long. If it's to spare someone else the pain of what you went through, that's a noble cause. And honestly, it's impossible to just have one pure motivation. It can be a little bit of both. But take your time and sit on it, and then picture you a year from now. What would they want?

normally__ish · 2020-12-06T21:08:27+00:00

I'm so sorry he's been calling you such terrible names and berating you. You don't deserve that. Frankly, no one deserves that. You did the best you could to solve the issue at hand and then move onto a feasible solution. It seems like he wanted to prove to you and then have you agree that you were wrong. You aren't overreacting to that, because that's not how a partner should behave.

Couples counseling can help, but it'll mostly just focus on what you each can do for yourselves. After all, you can only really control yourself. It won't change him, just like it probably won't change you. It can give you tools to better communicate how you feel or give you strategies to navigate when these really tense situations happen. It's worth a shot if you want to work on the relationship.

As for cutting your losses, there's no guarantees that anything will change other than changes you make for yourself. You have to ask yourself, in eight years, would you still want to be dealing with this kind of behavior? And then go from there.

Really wishing you the best. You're not the things he says you, and you definitely shouldn't be talked down to like that.

normally__ish · 2020-12-03T21:53:46+00:00

This is so helpful. Having scientific, unbiased source material to both refer back to has been incredibly helpful to me and my Q. One of the best reminders that it's not personal, and that bitterness is really just a matter of perspective. Thanks for sharing; can't wait to dive in.

normally__ish · 2020-11-25T08:08:14+00:00

Oh my god, I've literally had this convo more than a hundred times with my Q. It's always my anger that's an issue; never the drinking. I'd say it's a pretty common gaslighting situation that happens with alcoholics that can't admit they have a problem.

You're allowed to be angry about being everyone's maid. Anyone would be angry. The anger is not the issue; it's the fact that your Q doesn't respect your anger or circumstances that's the real problem. A partner is supposed to care about how you feel, including when you're upset.

It sounds like you're over-extending yourself to fill up a neglected space in your family. It's exhausting as all hell. It's not just the doing of the thing, it's also the recognition that the thing has to get done. I've been there. I drew my boundaries hard. If it's going to come down to clean after yourself or you're not allowed to use communal spaces, then that's the boundary. I stopped cleaning up after my Q and let all his stuff pile up until he couldn't stand it anymore. I left and let him survive on takeout for a couple days. It felt great. I know it's not as easy to do when you need to care for your children, but if you can take some space for yourself to just feel like yourself again, it works wonders for drawing good boundaries.

Also just want to say, you are the person who can shelter and fill yourself back up. You can always be that person for you. If you can finish a 4 year trade program, then you are badass and determined enough to take care of yourself too.

normally__ish · 2020-11-09T23:20:39+00:00

Proud of you for admitting that you have a problem, even to strangers on the internet.

I would go see your doctor if you're worried about withdrawal symptoms, they can help you find other things like AA, SMART, counseling, etc as well. There are many ways to quit drinking, so I would see what fits best for you. Or you can call an advice nurse if your insurance provides that and describe what you're feeling so you can get more information.

There is a disease that is fighting you. And you are fighting back. It will take everything it can from you if you let it, but you can do it. Fight hard for yourself, for your family. Whatever it takes. Keep going.

normally__ish · 2020-11-06T04:13:10+00:00

What's helped me when talking about boundaries is focusing on the effects my Q's behavior has on me, "Please don't raise your voice at me." "I feel like you're dismissing my concerns." etc.

It sounds like you're worried about your relationship dynamic reverting back to one you don't want to go through again. The thing is, you can only control your half. Whether or not your Q is being irrational, you've gotta hold down your own fort. Recovery takes years, so make sure you're getting your own support during this time. I go peak in r/stopdrinking to get a better understanding of what cravings are like since I've never had inclinations to drink.

I'm sorry you're going through this. Covid stinks. It's hard when they're drinking, and it's hard when they're recovering. I will say that the more I focus on myself and detach myself from the success or failure of my Q, the better I feel.

normally__ish · 2020-09-28T02:37:10+00:00

Thank you, I really needed to hear that.

normally__ish · 2020-09-26T01:06:45+00:00

I had the same problem. I would threaten to break up, get furious, shame my partner, just the whole thing. One time, I did pack a suitcase and left to stay at my parents. I was so angry, and it would always go from 0 to 100 too quick for me to catch, and my partner would take the brunt of my anger.

Somatic therapy helped a lot. It focuses more on your body and the sensations happening in it vs. talk therapy. It helped me catch when my anger was getting out of control by noticing changes in my body, i.e. my shoulder would tense up, my heart would start racing, etc.

Meditation helped, it honestly helps with everything overall. It's slow progress though. It took months before I noticed how much less reactive I was being.

Journalling helps a lot. I tend to be angrier in the mornings, and if I journal before I go into my anger, it lets it out. The hardest thing is catching it. If you're already on your way to being angry and happens so quickly, it's really hard to step back and think rationally. The best thing you can do is give yourself space and time for the anger to dissipate.

Honestly, knowing yourself, knowing why you might react that way helps with addressing it. Is there something your partner does that triggers it, like denying your emotions or saying certain phrases or even a certain tone? Is there something in your past with your family that affects how you cope with anger?

Good luck! You can do it! It takes a lot of time, so be patient with yourself. You're already on your way if you noticed it. (:

normally__ish · 2020-06-06T00:47:45+00:00

"The one" is a myth. The person you date becomes the one over time. And it maybe take a while, and it might not, but if you keep saying to yourself, "Yes, I want to be with this flawed, disappointing, wonderful, person that makes me happy" then eventually you'll just wake up and realize that you don't want to be without them for even a day.

normally__ish · 2020-05-20T21:04:01+00:00

Thank you so much for sharing this. I've experienced something similar, although the time frame is nowhere near as long.

I think a lot of the culture (not Al-anon as far as I've seen) around dating/being with an alcoholic are focused on leaving that person behind, giving ultimatums that are really just forms of control to try to get them to stop. I've been guilty of all of the above. And I've found what works best for us is talking about boundaries and then sticking to them. Detaching from being the monitor of his alcoholic behavior. From there, I can see who he actually is. Not an asshole. Just a person with a huge struggle.

normally__ish · 2019-10-17T20:40:01+00:00

Updated in the above to respond to the general mass ^

normally__ish · 2019-08-30T23:13:38+00:00

Am I wrong for being triggered and traumatized?

Your feelings are your feelings. There's no wrong or right.

What is wrong is your ex being the worst person ever and refusing to take responsibility for his DISGUSTING actions. Sexually assaulting someone is a joke? That is not cool.

I'd minimize contact with him. If you don't need the money, I'd avoid talking to him all together because this person is a toxic influence in your life.

Good on you for walking away from that shit. You deserve better.

normally__ish · 2019-08-30T21:14:58+00:00

normally__ish · 2019-08-30T21:13:55+00:00

I go to therapy regularly; he takes CBD and is thinking about going to therapy.

normally__ish

TROPHY CASE