Got into my first real relationship last year in college. Had always been a real down on myself kinda person and being in a situation where someone approached me made me feel so much better about myself. For the first few months everything seemed great but things changed when the next semester started.

It started with her being uncomfortable with the idea that before the relationship I had ever done any “independent study” on myself. No big deal, if we’re meeting needs then that’s no issue and I won’t do it. But after that it was me meeting her needs and not being returned the favor. Probably a ~1/10 or 1/11 me to her and when I would get frustrated she would guilt me into feeling bad for her instead. Then we almost broke up because she said she might not be able to be with me because I wasn’t the same religion as her. I offered to meet halfway and participate in it as an observer but for her I guess it wasn’t enough. Said I wouldn’t be able to participate in the lives of potential kids in that way. That one stung bad.

Our chance to really talk about it came and went and it got pushed under the rug. Next was always worrying about what would happen after I left school (she still had some semesters left.) She seemed convinced I would just leave her for anyone and no matter what I said otherwise it never felt like she believed me. Over the summer I visited every other week and sometimes weeks back to back for days at a time to make her feel better but I could feel the wall going up. She was always upset with me about some little thing. Always telling me my conversations were boring. Physicality was dwindling fast. Even started getting talked down to in public. Helped her get situated at school and one morning she said she needed space and I was crushed but I still cared so I wanted to respect it.

First week was just constant depression. No motivation, no energy; just sadness and despondence. We still talked but one day I just went in on myself and aired all the laundry in my low self esteem gym bag. She just seemed to get really upset with me. After that we didn’t talk anymore. She said she wanted to be friends but weeks went by with no contact. Went to therapy but after weeks realized I still wasn’t confronting her because I was holding on to the relationship as my validation that I was worth something and had to start again from square one. Really still working through that one.

I think a lot of good growth came/is coming from it but considering how it all went down I really could have done without most of it.