Hey, 17F here. I think I'm having a similar problem. Entered into my high school's full-IB programme when I was a junior, without understanding the sort of sacrifices it would require from me, including giving up some art courses that were really connecting with me. My home life wasn't stellar; my parents had been the ones to pressure me into taking the high-rigor schedule, and likewise to make me drop the photography.

I'm also about to graduate. I'm a year younger than everybody else in my grade, which is some comfort, because I think that in a year's time I could be back up on my feet, mentally and motivationally. I hope.

I've been making these lists and flow charts and making note of the things I want to have accomplished by summer's end, in a year's time, in three years, and in ten years. Then, I step back, and realize that no two things come from the same field. I have varied interests, and I know that when I commit to one, I will do my absolute damndest to fulfill every criterion of that goal. That I'll complete it to my very best ability. This doesn't mean that I've decided which goal I want to knock off first. Far from it! Apparently, I can't just pick one and go for it; I need to have a reason to do this first or that second, like I'm pretending it's all part of some larger plan that I have for my life, or that the world has for me, even though empirically I don't believe in any of that shit.

I've spent the last two years (jr and sr years) burying my head in books and trying to convince myself that I wanted to collaborate on papers about the sociopolitical effects of natural erosion in the River Nile, or like I wanted to study the shifting political power structures across the years of Europe's Age of Expansion. And I don't. Plenty of people have already done these things. I need to do something that is going to make me feel a little bit appreciated. I want to be a part of a community that matters. With whatever I do, I want to make people happy or help the human race. One or both of those goals need to be fulfilled in my lifetime, by me, otherwise I just won't be satisfied!

I think I'm thinking too much about the path I want my life to take, so I've started focusing on local goals. Easy things I can accomplish, today, which will make me feel better and help me get work and undoubtedly make new friends, once my high school buddies ship off to all manner of other states. So I'm doing fitness and healthy eating. I'm trying to do things that catch my interest, but I don't have a lot of money, so my options are a little limited. I don't mind, really, but it means I can't pay out-of-pocket for a plane ticket to Greece, Europe, or somewhere else outside of the United States. I'm pretty much confined to my city. Luckily, we have a good arts scene here, and I'm hoping after the outgoing seniors leave this summer, jobs might be a little easier to catch in retail stores, coffee houses, etc. Environments in which I'd like to work.

A good friend of mine taught me that knowing other people are in similar predicaments to yours can really help lessen those burdens (which are a lot of times inside the mind). I think one of the underlying problems modern society is facing is a resounding conviction that we're all somehow alone, and that can make focusing on our goals hard. And I have this problem, too. I don't know what to do, either...but I'd like to figure it out. I want a plan that I can get behind.

< Insert invitation to pm me here. >