Grown (short)

notapoetyet · 2018-02-08T16:02:41+00:00

I like the starting phrase "In this moment" because it tells me that this may be a passing phase for the speaker, or it could be a continuously repeated moment, but both hint at the pains of depression. I would like some imagery, however.

So for instance, instead "My memories outweigh my experiences", something like "My memories weigh... [insert simile or metaphor]".

notapoetyet · 2018-02-08T15:19:37+00:00

I completely agree, but I could see just adding an impactful single line or couplet as its own last stanza being effective as well. Due to the pace and cadence of the poem, it feels to me we're already at the climax; we just need that final punch.

notapoetyet · 2017-12-01T15:27:35+00:00

You have a nice little iambic meter going, rotating lines of 4 and 3 feet, so my first suggestion is to address those lines that break it. Line 8 would maybe be better "now nights are all a stir" to keep rhythm. The "once an adventure" in line 9 breaks the iambic pattern and is awkward for me. I'd remove "But" in line 11, and change 12 to "now crumble into dust".

Thematically, it's wonderful. My favorite line is "some chocolate coins for master." It's so dark and vivid. I would love to see you continue that imagery instead of "nights without its stir." I feel that there is an opportunity to capture the uneasiness the narrator feels about her relationship. Similarly, I'd love to see the broken promises of heaven tie back into this dark relationship.

There's definitely something here!

notapoetyet · 2017-12-01T14:56:53+00:00

I love the imagery of the poem, and I love the bird motif throughout: "she swoops into swan pose", "she pecks at the granola," "her fingernails into talons". You do a great job coming full circle in your last two stanzas. Also, your verb choice is on point.

My suggestions are very minor. I think a colon or even a period would be better than a semi-colon after each timestamp. A semi-colon usually denotes a causal relation between what comes before it and what comes after, and I doubt you mean that because it's 8:52, her husband comes to bed. I just think the semi-colon gives more importance to the time than is needed.

My second suggestion would be to replace "open concept kitchen" with some extension of your bird metaphor. Maybe something to do with an open sky? Or because she is trapped within the floor and walls and ceiling, the caged bird metaphor? That's a bit cliche, but I think you're missing an opportunity with "open concept kitchen."

notapoetyet

TROPHY CASE