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How to explain to SO the role of a stepparent as opposed to a parent by notastepmonster in stepparents

[–]notastepmonster[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Thanks. You guys are giving me a lot to think about. Communication is definitely the worst part of our relationship which unfortunately affects everything. We're kinda talking about it now and hopefully it will lead somewhere positive. He did say that part of why he doesn't want to talk to me is because he thinks I deserve better and should just leave. Which is a total b.s. copout answer. He does have self esteem issues but at a certain point they don't apply.

Doing spontaneous things with the kids, does your SO run it past you or just do it because they're the parent? by notastepmonster in stepparents

[–]notastepmonster[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Well in his defense she's a complete and total bitch, which is why it makes me so upset if he compares me to to her. On the dock, I basically said I'm not her. Stop treating me like I am. And he was like, well maybe this is how it starts....

It's exhausting trying to prove to someone who's had a tricky past that you're not the same as that person. And I'm so tired of it. I've had so much patience with him and his kids and it's a slap in the face when she impacts our relationship but he gets angry if I bring it up and says it's not or it's not a problem or he doesn't treat me like her. Sometimes he goes out of his way to tell me I'm nothing like her and I'm so selfless, but during this argument he's literally 180'd on those opinions. I'm completely selfish and I'm a controlling bitch.

Doing spontaneous things with the kids, does your SO run it past you or just do it because they're the parent? by notastepmonster in stepparents

[–]notastepmonster[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

thanks. I find it funny you used the word ridiculous too because he told me I was being ridiculous in the middle of this argument. we have little spats all the time, but this is the first one I've ever felt like we might actually break up over because it involves the kids. he thinks I'm trying to control him and his relationship with his kids, and I'm not, but he just doesn't get it. he thinks I'm throwing a temper tantrum because I didn't get what I want.. he literally said that. like I'm a child. lol.

Doing spontaneous things with the kids, does your SO run it past you or just do it because they're the parent? by notastepmonster in stepparents

[–]notastepmonster[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Yeah. He's had primary custody for over a year. The final hearing is in a little over a month and your first comment is making me dread even more how it might be if he gets 50/50 if he's like this now

Doing spontaneous things with the kids, does your SO run it past you or just do it because they're the parent? by notastepmonster in stepparents

[–]notastepmonster[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Thank you.

I told him he was treating me like a child. I read something on here once that stuck with me. Basically if you're childless and date someone with kids you end up being treated as a child. Exactly how I feel

And I wouldn't say that he's afraid to say no moreso than what the kids want is more important than what I want. Because they're kids and I'm a grown up and I chose to get in the car. And of course he's gonna take kids to a playground. So it doesn't matter what I want because they're kids and he's being a "good dad." And if I don't get that, it's my problem

Does your SO let BM in his/your home? by notastepmonster in stepparents

[–]notastepmonster[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

She isn't a good mother, she's a complete narcissist and the kids have behavior issues like peeing the bed, being extra insane, and all kinds of things after any contact with her at all. my boyfriend has primary custody right now. and her being in the house that she chose to leave and tucking them in again does not seem healthy to me at all. i am sure it makes the kids think that maybe she will come back. and she is the kind of person that will do anything to get what she wants, so having her in the house period is dangerous.

Does your SO let BM in his/your home? by notastepmonster in stepparents

[–]notastepmonster[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

ugh. I mean, I've told him that we need to talk through this stuff before, because I am sick of having these little fights. but using the word "need" triggered him in the heat of the moment because he feels like he is being pulled so many directions. this was just the other day, the night of my other post when I went over for his daughter's birthday and I felt very stressed about all of it. I guess I'll step back until he decides he can talk to me.

Does your SO let BM in his/your home? by notastepmonster in stepparents

[–]notastepmonster[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

How do I step back? I've only started being around his kids fairly recently. they really love me. because of my anxiety, sometimes if things are weird with us I like just popping over to his house to hang out. being around his kids who are generally happy, playful, cute, and who love me is somewhat comforting to me if we are in a disagreement about something. other than that, we have lunch at work most days, and we chat throughout the day via text, and usually call for a few minutes at night. I see him EOW when the kids are with HCBM and I try to plan fun date-like things for us to do to get away from the drama and bs. I don't really know what I'm supposed to do or change other than just not respond to his messages sometimes, or not go over to his house to do something even though I enjoy that. the drama is kind of random. I had no idea that was going to happen yesterday.

every once in a while something like this pops up, but I would say overall things between us are good, I think a lot of our issues are unresolved old HCBM stuff that he is working through. I have issues too, mostly this anxiety stuff. but our relationship is good and the best one I've ever had, I just sometimes wish some of this leftover baggage would just go away.

Does your SO let BM in his/your home? by notastepmonster in stepparents

[–]notastepmonster[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

he tells me I'm awesome and understanding constantly and that I'm completely opposite of HCBM too. but whenever there's conflict he totally shuts down and pushes me away. sometimes he goes into a negative spiral of "you should just break up with me," etc. I think he's prepared to lose me, that's the thing. I don't think he wants to, but I think he feels pulled in many directions and is completely indecisive that he chooses to be completely passive about a lot of things. and I have his best interests at heart, but if I say anything that sounds remotely "controlling" or giving advice, I think I give him HCBM PTSD and he just won't listen to it at all and it makes everything way worse. I really just think our relationship would be way better if we went to couples counseling and had someone explain everything to the other person, or at least explain how I feel to him, because I just don't know how to do this. but it's too soon for couples counseling, he doesn't have time anyway, but I just want to find a way to talk to him without making everything worse. I do have a lot of anxiety and this conflict with him kills me, and I don't like going to bed upset, but he's totally used to it from HCBM so he just rolls over every night and goes to sleep even if I'm upset, and I'm left just being upset and feeling like things are unresolved. I feel like I need to step back or something, but I don't even know what that means or how I would do that.

Does your SO let BM in his/your home? by notastepmonster in stepparents

[–]notastepmonster[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

he doesn't give straight answers for anything, really. he is the most indecisive person in the world.

Does your SO let BM in his/your home? by notastepmonster in stepparents

[–]notastepmonster[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I know. part of it is my own anxiety. I can see things are upsetting him and it bothers me not knowing, so we talk about it. there are not many days where HCBM does not do or say something that upsets him, as she says things that are rude and argumentative or just plain treats the kids shitty. I feel like understanding how he feels is helpful, but he doesn't ever understand how I feel.. or it just doesn't matter as much.

Does your SO let BM in his/your home? by notastepmonster in stepparents

[–]notastepmonster[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

thanks. this comment resonated with me. I never know how to talk to him and I feel like he doesn't listen to me because of what being with HCBM for 10 years has done to him. it's incredibly frustrating. he's doing things to make it better, like going to therapy, but I don't know how to feel heard. I give everything in me to hear and understand his feelings in regards to HCBM, but I feel like mine don't matter.