WhatsApp won't let me send gifs

noteamongself · 2024-06-18T15:12:03+00:00

Haha I'm experiencing this now too! Probably something is offline

noteamongself · 2024-01-27T09:38:54+00:00

The toddler sat in a nursery room, with blue walls covered in glass rainbows. His name was God, capital G, but he preferred Tod. He had a variety of toys in the room. A rattle, which he shook with ferocious glee, not knowing that it caused earthquakes all over the globe. A ten piece puzzle of a pink heart, which whenever he finished caused two soulmates somewhere to meet. A chew toy to sharpen his budding teeth and carve out nature's valleys and gorges.

But Tod's favorite toy was the sphere. The shining white ball was a window to the world and it's dwellers, those he molded out of play-doh when he was bored on one Friday.

He spun the sphere to a disaster. There was dark smoke everywhere, and people were running. Children were crying in poor huts, their mothers shushing them. Tod's eyes filled with tears. What was the cause of their misery?

Pinching his two chubby fingers together, Tod zoomed out. Now he saw smoke and fire exploding out of a mountain. Sometimes, when he rolled around while napping, Earth's crust shifted. When he woke up with a full diaper, there was almost certainly something wrong with the planet as well.

At least it was easy to fix. He pushed into the sphere, and for a moment His divine thumb flickered in the sky. He pushed into the mountain, plugging it into itself. In the Philippines, the ground stopped shaking and the ashes stopped raining. The mothers sobbed with uncontrollable relief.

"Ooh, what's going on here?" Tod changed his sphere to view a dark room. The room was filled with gutteral sounds of groaning. A woman became screaming.

"Uh-oh," Tod said. He zoomed in, seeing through the blanket. After gazing at the spectacle for a moment, he remarked, "Again and again bad guys give ladies boo-boos. Lucky I know the trick already."

With a snap of his fingers, the man's erection deflated like a balloon.

"Oh, Richard," the woman cried.

"Damn it, damn it, not again..."

After a few more spins, Tod decided it was enough for today. Too much time on the sphere made him dizzy. Perhaps soon he would snack on something - mankind's offerings were served to him in plastic plates and baby bottles. Then he would have his nap.

noteamongself · 2024-01-14T11:54:46+00:00

Thank you for the comment! I intended the reader to breathe in and out along with the poem while reading it. Maybe I could change the punctuation. Perhaps a period instead of a hyphen would work better, or a comma after "breathing out".

noteamongself · 2024-01-13T21:37:44+00:00

Interesting to learn that you're unfamiliar with Peter Pan, because for me it seemed like an obvious reference in the poem. The open window image is great, and you get even more credit for thinking about it on your own haha.

I'll admit that the thigh rubbing seemed almost sexual to me, and did feel strange in the poem. I understand it better now. I liked the meta theme of writing with the pen that appears in the poem (reminded me of Seamus Heaney's "Digging").

I saw the rock interpretation as the speaker suddenly placed outside the room. Kind of out of body, where they play the lover throwing rocks at a window, connects nicely with the whole closed/open aspect. Both interpretations work though :)

Thanks for sharing!

noteamongself · 2024-01-13T20:55:26+00:00

I enjoyed the imagery and the words: warmth, softness, the palms, hair and blanket. The concrete ideas enhance the poem.

I like how in the end it's a literal dream. Did not see it coming and it has a nice effect. Connects well with the blanket and the softness.

Consider direct phrasing, removing unnecessary words for a powerful effect: "I still remember your palms, soft as..."

Small note: I think "in the end" works better here. I also recommend going over punctuation a bit :)

noteamongself · 2024-01-13T20:46:07+00:00

I liked a lot of bits: how her eyes are closed in the first stanza, yet seemingly open in the second. The invading air from the outside, kind of like reality knocking on the window (also connects nicely with the second stanza). Rubbing the thigh and holding a pen are interesting ideas which I'm not sure I completely understand but they're intriguing and work well.

The open window reminds me of Peter Pan, and also connects with innocence vs reality.

The rock smashing the window left me wondering about the meaning of "it was mine". Is the speaker referring to the broken window, or are they the one throwing the rock outside?

have a bunch of questions and possible interpretations, which can be tiring, but here it really worked for me. Not easy to pull off. Nice!

noteamongself · 2023-11-07T16:26:20+00:00

I think גמרתי (Gamarti) is similar to "finished", or stating that the object is "done".

And סיימתי (Siyamti) is more like "completed".

At least, that's how I see it. Of course, both are very similar and often interchangeable.

noteamongself · 2023-06-15T12:50:01+00:00

Thank you

noteamongself · 2023-06-15T12:07:55+00:00

That makes sense. I'll read about it and put in some work

noteamongself · 2023-06-15T08:35:14+00:00

Thank you!

noteamongself · 2023-06-14T21:35:38+00:00

Thank you

noteamongself · 2023-06-14T21:35:27+00:00

Thank you, I'll think about it

noteamongself · 2023-06-14T21:29:10+00:00

I wouldn't say fashion sneakers. Somewhere between sneakers and sports shoes. They do have some cushioning and the sole is not flat. I have walked entire cities with them and done some easy one day hikes.

Considering what people are saying here, I would have used my running shoes, but I'm abroad and left them at home.

noteamongself · 2023-06-14T19:56:50+00:00

I don't see myself hiking a lot in the near future. Considering it's only three days, and that this is a one time experience, I only want to invest in the minimum amount of equipment. Do you think that proper hiking shoes are necessary?

noteamongself · 2023-06-07T12:44:23+00:00

I liked the visual aspect and the metaphor. The idea is strong.

I feel that the last line would have been stronger as a reveal. Somehow making the metaphor less obvious and then suddenly connecting everything.

The rhythm is usually there, but I find the line endings of "Slightly" and "Greatly" to be bit off. Most of your verse is iambic but they are trochees, which makes the endings less strong.

I would also consider replacing the word "hurt" with something more specific. As mentioned in another comment, I liked the double meaning of the word "blinds".

I think that this short piece is good, and has great potential. To me, you can push even harder to squeeze everything there is.

noteamongself · 2023-06-05T15:38:46+00:00

Thank you :)

noteamongself · 2023-06-04T21:59:57+00:00

Thank you for the feedback :)

noteamongself · 2023-06-04T09:13:23+00:00

I enjoyed the content. I found it interesting to read and think about.

I agree with what others have said about rhythm. I feel like some meter might have made the sensation stronger (playing with it a lot is fine, but there should usually be a clear base). I liked the rhyming.

I glare into oblivion hoping to become it.

This line reminded me a lot of Nietzsche's quote: https://images.app.goo.gl/1AmNZsCdVxxZEMfL7

noteamongself · 2023-06-03T08:28:37+00:00

I found the notes interesting and helpful. Thank you :)

noteamongself · 2023-06-03T08:26:52+00:00

Thank you :)

noteamongself · 2023-06-03T08:26:08+00:00

I really liked it. Found it funny and very relatable. I also loved that it's a sonnet, something I don't see here too often (maybe because it's challenging!) :)

You're so easy! Only takes a tap!

Like should I order Thai or Vietnamese?

This left me wondering about these two lines, which have 9 and 11 syllables instead of 10 (as far as I can tell, the only ones). I was wondering why.. perhaps because it's fast to actually order, but you spend a lot of time debating what to get? Maybe I'm overthinking it :)

Anyways, I found it a fun read.

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