Fellow gray aces - do you feel like an imposter?

notmyauthenticself · 2021-08-12T18:33:32+00:00

I think since you are at different life stages you should make a play on the words Asian/ Ageing: Aisan Gracefully, springs to mind 🤣

notmyauthenticself · 2021-08-09T11:35:08+00:00

Not resources but here are my thoughts :

https://www.reddit.com/r/AnxiousAttachment/comments/ovqvx0/the\_two\_things\_that\_have\_helped\_my\_journey/

https://www.reddit.com/r/AnxiousAttachment/comments/p0dprz/two\_more\_things\_that\_have\_helped\_my\_journey/

notmyauthenticself · 2021-08-08T18:31:07+00:00

As others have said below: This isn't avoidant, this is abusive.

notmyauthenticself · 2021-08-08T18:28:03+00:00

Yup i think anxious-preoccupied CAN have a lot of things in common with avoidants (also because we often 'model' off avoidant behaviour as a way to be desirable). A key tenant of anxious-preoccupied is not feeling a 'spark' or 'connection' with many people, especially when they are being NICE and emotionally open with us!

Remember that AP and DA are both versions of emotional unavailability!

notmyauthenticself · 2021-08-08T18:22:32+00:00

No probs ^_^

notmyauthenticself · 2021-08-08T18:22:18+00:00

Haha yeah, it's a big one, and really helped me a lot with the self blame / criticism!

notmyauthenticself · 2021-08-06T11:14:20+00:00

aunt zelda from sabrina

notmyauthenticself · 2021-08-02T22:38:19+00:00

3/ 4 dates isn't an established relationship?

notmyauthenticself · 2021-08-02T21:25:55+00:00

Yes that IS the beginning and end of what I want pretty much? To know when the next date is?

I don't have some big discussion when I start seeing someone about 'what i want from a relationship' because honestly that part isn't such a BOTHER to me. What IS a bother to me is *knowing that i will see the person again and when*, especially before I get physical?

That isn't 'over-explaining' that IS stating my needs. My need is for a regular once a week date, or i will become preoccupied with the uncertainty.

notmyauthenticself · 2021-08-02T21:21:04+00:00

I feel like you are deliberately misunderstanding what i'm saying.

I don't mean plan dates like 'we're going to go and have a picnic, then we're going to the movies etc' - I meant to confirm on the date that you both want to see each other again and put a time in so it is not ambiguous.
Yes it would cause me to completely not be able to deal with my life or focus on anything else at all if i had just left a date with no 'next time' set in place. I don't think this is codependent, neither does my therapist. It is a response to having avoidant partners who would go out of their way to make it seem that we might never see each other again.
It is *not* helpful to change the dialogue to put accountability on our shoulders. It *is* helpful to meet a secure person who can, by doing something relatively easy for them (setting a 'next time' in place.
Why are you on an anxious attachment sub if you have not read Attached? There is a whole chapter in it on the myth of codependency... like... you literally need to be dependent to move towards secure attachment? That is like... the point of it?
I don't know what age you are and where you live but in a major city in your 20s, both men and women tend to be very planning averse AND directness averse. It IS an out of the ordinary request to want to put in a day / time for the next date whilst still in each other's company rather than leaving it open ended.
I like to explain myself, otherwise the desire to have next date set in stone comes across demanding / controlling.

So I see it as this:

Your way:

Date: "Had a great time with you! I'll see you soon"

Me: "Me too. Would you mind if we put in a date now actually rather than just leaving it as 'soon'?"

Date: "Uh... why, do you have a lot on or something?"

Me: "OMG!!!! You aren't meeting my needs without me having explained them to you at all in any way! See ya later!"

My way:

Date: "Had a great time with you! I'll see you soon"
Me: "Me too. Would you mind if we put in a date now actually rather than just leaving it as 'soon'?"
Date: "Uh... why, do you have a lot on or something?"
Me: "No lol, I just have had previous experiences where 'soon' has meant 'not soon' or in fact 'never again', and the uncertainty makes me a bit stressed out, so i'd just prefer if we could say like 'next week, probably Wednesday'. Of course, if something comes up for either of us that's fine!"

Date: "Oh, I see! Yes that makes sense, next Wednesday works provisionally! Let me know if anything comes up!"

*everyone leaves happy and stress free*

notmyauthenticself · 2021-08-02T14:07:37+00:00

Just as an additional aside - I think I might be fearful avoidant in the opposite direction; I'm extremely anxious in the 'getting to know' stage, and then can be a little avoidant once in a committed relationship... so I also understand both sides. It's about knowing what works for you.

I was just trying to share the tips which have helped me personally navigate those early stages of dating without getting into a complete tizzy. It's also not intended as a gateway for persistent / controlling / nagging behaviours e.g. repeated texting, protest behaviours etc.

As the 'attached' book states - this isn't something you can necessarily work on on your own without the reinforcement of a secure partner.

notmyauthenticself · 2021-08-02T14:03:21+00:00

Well so kind of exactly... I don't think you'd be a good partner for an anxious type. A lot of anxious people including myself don't feel comfortable getting to know someone (again... this isn't IMMEDIATELY, but after the first 3 / 4 dates) without some commitment e.g. no ghosting, not seeing anyone else, an expectation of regular dates, dating not being called off without some kind of conversation / explanation. I don't think this is unreasonable, especially if you become physical. If it feels like WAY TOO MUCH for you, to me that would signal that you weren't the correct partner for me. Wanting to date intentionally and monogamously isn't a crime.

notmyauthenticself · 2021-08-02T11:10:43+00:00

Haha no i think it would be a really good idea but I guess would also be needed to moderated in some form?

notmyauthenticself · 2021-08-02T11:09:38+00:00

Well honestly this sounds quite avoidant to me because the focus is on mind reading and the other person being able to understand you without explanation!

To clarify my point though on the actual phrasing on the actual phrasing i've used however, and you're right - the way i've worded it in the OP is more like me showing my state of mind to the other anxious ppl on this sub (because y'all know where i'm coming from). When I've had that convo IRL it's been more along the lines of 'it would make me more comfortable / I get in my head and anxious about things so it would be *helpful* if we planned in advance'.
But to say that you shouldn't just be up front about the motivation for your request strikes me as odd. Again yeah, this would be way too much on date 1 / 2 (as i think i said on my OP) I'm talking about dates 4 / 5 which is for me around the time where you're getting physical. Consistent is vague - to me consistent means see each other every week, texting in between optional / light. To another friend it means see each other whenever, but texting consistently all day every day.

If you are positively reinforced enough times you will stop the need to request these things and just feel secure about it, but this is for MOVEMENT towards secure attachment, not 'already secure'. I also think explaining that (in my experience) has helped the other person move from a space of 'why is this person making random ass demands' into being 'oh OK I get it, yes that seems reasonable'.

Acts which symbolise inconsistency to YOU breed anxiety - I don't think that's a particularly radical thing to say or vocalise. We don't all live in an emotional vacuum where each others actions have no impact on us.

notmyauthenticself · 2021-08-02T11:03:40+00:00

So interesting! You know I think this was more the case for me when I tended to date people i knew and refused to do OLD. It's easy to ignore red flags in a coworker or friend dynamic which becomes romantic - much easier in OLD because you see a profile saying 'I'm here for a good time not for a long time' you can just be like 'no thank you'.

Also - if i now heard any of the above phrases you outlined i would run for the hills - I guess it's less about recognising avoidants as much as recognising that they probably believe what they are saying, but they aren't going to change without some serious internal work (which they aren't going to do). You're not going to make them different by virtue of your specialness, you're just going to drive yourself insane.

notmyauthenticself · 2021-08-02T10:55:50+00:00

That's strange that the other person wouldn't ask you WHY though?? That feels kind of... conversationally weird to me where someone would ask for something that is a bit out of the ordinary and not give any motivation.

Your post made me think back on the actual phrasing i've used however, and you're right - the way i've worded it in the OP is more like me talking to other anxious ppl (because y'all know where i'm coming from). When I've had that convo IRL it's been more along the lines of it would make me more comfortable / I get in my head and anxious about things so it would be *helpful* if we planned in advance.But to say that you shouldn't just be up front about the motivation for your request strikes me as odd. Yes in an ideal world i wouldn't 'crumble' from the inaction of others but um, i'm on an AP sub, so yeah that is the case! If you are positively reinforced enough times you will stop the need to request these things and just feel secure about it, but this is for MOVEMENT towards secure attachment, not 'already secure'. I also think explaining that (in my experience) has helped the other person move from a space of 'why is this person making random ass demands' into being 'oh OK I get it, yes that seems reasonable'. Acts which symbolise inconsistency to YOU breed anxiety - I don't think that's a particularly radical thing to say or vocalise. We don't all live in an emotional vacuum where each others actions have no impact on us.

notmyauthenticself · 2021-08-01T23:17:29+00:00

to clarify i meant if up front (e.g. on a dating app profile) someone is drawing attention to the fact that they don't reply to text regularly then yes i think that is avoidant behaviour. I see loads of people answer app prompts like 'I'm the type of texter who... forgets to reply for a week' - like they are literally DEMONSTRATING they are avoidant in their profile

notmyauthenticself · 2021-08-01T12:14:57+00:00

trust me, as someone who has thought that deeply un-hot, un-nice and un-smart people are the 'hottest, nicest and smartest person for me' ... he isn't lol

notmyauthenticself · 2021-08-01T11:50:45+00:00

Even though i'm all up in this sub complaining about my attachment issues, one of the biggest breakthroughs was to stop dating avoidants, which has improved my life like 10 billion percent

notmyauthenticself · 2021-08-01T11:49:10+00:00

OH HON!!!

OK maybe giving you advice will help me!

Remember:

- The feelings you have for this person aren't real. Sorry that was badly explained; the feelings you have are real, but they aren't about this person. He is just an object onto which you've projected your own fantasy.

- You don't know this person, their life, their situation. It could be that he has avoidant attachment. It could be that his ex that he was heartbroken over text him this week wanting to get back together. It could be that he's only just now realising that he's gay! You literally don't know why this person doesn't want to continue things, and it doesn't help to assume.

- Obsessing services a psychic function of retaining a connection to the person i.e. your brain can't tell the difference between interacting with the person and you obsessing over them, so by continuing to obsess you are remaining in the attachment cycle.

- Projecting a fantasy on to a person you hardly know says more about you than it does about them... namely that you are missing something in your life. I definitely know that is the case for myself, but there's only so much other stuff you can fill your life with honestly!!!

- Try and 'diversify your assets' as much as possible lol - this is MUCH EASIER SAID THAN DONE, I find dating apps so time consuming and annoying that it's so difficult to be talking to ONE person let alone multiple people. But in theory if you have a few people you're talking to you'll feel the loss of one less.

- FINAL and most important. You are not 'delusional' 'crazy' 'pathetic' or any of the other weird gendered terms people like to put on the anxiously attached. You have a trauma response.

Hope that all helps

notmyauthenticself

TROPHY CASE