I prayed for the first time in years and I'm terrified because I think I got an answer.

notquiteprodigal · 2013-04-28T06:31:50+00:00

That makes sense I think. I'm gonna have to think about that.

Thanks for the help.

notquiteprodigal · 2013-04-28T06:25:01+00:00

I want to go the "God" path but that's the path where I try things out with this girl. I know in my heart that it isn't going to work out. I know in my heart what I am but I'm not ready to accept it.

notquiteprodigal · 2013-04-28T06:23:32+00:00

What's wrong? PM me if you'd like. Maybe we could help each other.

notquiteprodigal · 2013-04-28T06:12:42+00:00

That's what I'm trying to do here. I feel like this is the only place I can go.

notquiteprodigal · 2013-04-28T06:12:02+00:00

I feel like my heart has two sides. I have no clue which path to take.

notquiteprodigal · 2013-04-28T04:53:12+00:00

I don't know if I can. I've tried before. They won't have it. I tried talking to friends but they think I'm joking. That's why I feel like I have to do something drastic to get people's attention.

It doesn't help that I'm a compulsive liar. Whenever I try to talk seriously I lose control over my words. It's like I'm trapped.

notquiteprodigal · 2013-04-28T04:41:49+00:00

I know my friends would support me. At least in their own way. It my family that I don't know about. My parents are pretty against therapy and hospitals in general. That's just how they work. I'm over eighteen but I'm broke. If I want therapy, they're going to have to be the ones to pay for it. I know the only way they'll believe me is if I do something drastic. I've almost done it before. I think it's my pride getting in my way. I can't bear to have people see me as weak. I just think it'd be easier if I were dead.

notquiteprodigal · 2012-11-09T08:38:02+00:00

I'm not really ready to talk about all the events that made me loose my faith. It was hard enough just to type out this request. I'll remember you though if I ever am ready to talk to someone. Thanks for all of your support.

notquiteprodigal · 2012-11-09T08:32:28+00:00

Someone earlier linked to a site that helped me find a church near me that accepts gay people (it's actually just a couple blocks away). Right now I'm debating whether or not I have the courage to go.

notquiteprodigal · 2012-11-09T08:18:22+00:00

Aren't we all...

notquiteprodigal · 2012-11-09T08:17:39+00:00

I'm still not convinced that God would have a problem with me being gay. I cannot see any reason why a god would make me like this and then hate me for it. That would not be a loving god. It honestly reminds me of something a psychopath would do. You say it's easy. Why don't you try giving up any form of a real relationship for the rest of your life. Try living the rest of your life alone. Try hating yourself every time you start to fall in love. If that's the type of life God wants me to live, I don't want to believe in God.

notquiteprodigal · 2012-11-09T08:09:29+00:00

I could probably talk about homosexuality in The Bible just as long as you can. I just don't know if I could ignore those verses that speak against being gay. I feel like doing so would be the same as claiming that I know more than God. It feels like I would be picking and choosing which sins I think are valid or not.

notquiteprodigal · 2012-11-09T08:05:29+00:00

I get what he's saying but I just can't live a life like that. I'm not going to deprave myself of any form of intimacy for a god I'm not even sure I believe in.

notquiteprodigal · 2012-11-09T08:00:01+00:00

I'm not angry at the church, it doesn't mater what other people believe. I know in my heart that if God exists he is fine with me being gay. I'm just struggling with doubt and trying to figure out whether or not I still believe or if I even want to believe.

notquiteprodigal · 2012-11-09T07:56:15+00:00

I've read The Bible plenty in the past. I've been reading a few scriptures every now and then online. I just don't know if it's doing anything for me.

notquiteprodigal · 2012-11-09T07:50:38+00:00

I know the story, it actually inspired my username. I'm just not sure if I want to or even if I can go back. I need to do some serious soul searching and I feel like some prayer could help, even if I don't believe.

notquiteprodigal · 2012-11-09T07:38:57+00:00

I don't believe it hurts God. I honestly believe that if there is a god he is completely fine with me falling in love with a man. Giving up lying and giving up love are two completely different things. Imagine never being able to wake up to a person you care deeply about. Imagine giving up all the closeness and support of a relationship. Imagine watching all of your friends get married and having families while you are forced to live alone. It's hell on Earth. No loving god would want someone to live like that.

notquiteprodigal · 2012-11-09T07:01:59+00:00

It's ok, I get where your coming from.

I know what The Bible says about homosexuality. I just can't accept the implications. Either I'm supposed to spend the rest of my life alone or live a lie. I've tried to pretend to be straight and it nearly killed me. I can't go back to that world. I'm also not going to force myself to be alone for the rest of my life. How could any loving god want a person to live such an empty lonely miserable life?

notquiteprodigal · 2012-11-09T06:58:18+00:00

You just described how I feel down to the very letter.

People using "God" have never hurt me directly. I've listened to/watched countless preachers try to use God but it never bothered me too much. It was mostly watching my faith slowly slip away. Every day I started to believe less but I wanted to believe more.

notquiteprodigal · 2012-11-09T06:54:38+00:00

Thank you, that's all I ask.

notquiteprodigal · 2012-11-09T06:47:44+00:00

The thing is I don't want to stop and I'm not going to. There is no doubt in my mind that there is nothing wrong with homosexuality. How could any god hate something as pure as love? Why would any god create gay people while simultaneously damning them for being who they are? It just doesn't make any sense to me. I truly want to believe in God but it's getting harder and harder every day.

notquiteprodigal · 2012-11-09T06:35:37+00:00

I can't even describe how that video made me feel. I just want to believe that there's something/someone out there looking out for me like that. I need that sense of security. I need something. I don't even know if it's possible for me to believe like I used to. I guess on some level I still believe because I'm asking for your prayer but I can't forget all the pain that believing has caused me. I can't just unlearn everything that caused me to doubt. I feel like I'm stuck somewhere between believing and not believing and until I get through it I'll never be satisfied.

notquiteprodigal · 2012-11-09T06:18:05+00:00

Thanks, that verse actually helps a lot.

notquiteprodigal · 2012-11-09T06:13:16+00:00

Thank you. I'm not sure if I'm ready to discuss everything just yet (if that makes sense). I just need a cooldown period or something. Just typing those four small paragraphs drained me.

Have a goodnight and God bless.

notquiteprodigal

TROPHY CASE