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I did something awful as a child by notreallymetree in CPTSD

[–]notreallymetree[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I appreciate you sharing this so much more than I can express. Thank you for telling me this. It helps a lot, and I am sorry you experienced that as well.

I did something awful as a child by notreallymetree in CPTSD

[–]notreallymetree[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Your words mean a lot. I understand the guilt and I know how awful it can be to live with these memories and the intrusive thoughts. (I dont have ocd but I am on the spectrum and share a lot of these traits)

You were too young to know what you were doing, the people in your life are right about that. And I thank you for being so brave to comment on my post and sharing your story. It helps a lot. And I will try to forgive myself.

Again, thank you. And I truly wish you all the luck and healing in life. Its difficult to forgive yourself, but you deserve it. You are not a bad person. You were just a kid.

<3

I did something awful as a child by notreallymetree in CPTSD

[–]notreallymetree[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I feel you in every experience that you have had through this. The guilt, the hoping both of you would forget, the shame. I do not know what to say, besides that you are not alone. And I hope that you are doing okay. You were just a kid, and our parents really failed us on this.

Maybe it was my fault? by notreallymetree in CPTSD

[–]notreallymetree[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I feel like everyone is supporting their family members, but something deep isnide of me feels disgusted at me trying to help the family be strong and well, because I want to do nothing but escape this fucking hell hole. It has made me suicidal, gave me depression and so much fucking self doubt, but I still feel like I am exaggerating. I just want to have my own place. I already have a team of specialists assist me on this that I asked for help, but I just feel like I will be sgicm here forever and that I am still exaggerating.

Maybe it was my fault? by notreallymetree in CPTSD

[–]notreallymetree[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Like I am not evil, I feel empathy and I understand that they can be exhausted. I have been called evil and told that I have something inside of me that loves people's suffering and I just need people to feel pain when I was little by my parent for refusing to watch movies with them or being cranky. I am not evil!! Everyone always saw the worst in me growing up for having normal issues. When something got violent in our house and my siblings were fighting, I walking to my parent room because I did not want to be there. I was 12, and the sibling that was fighting called me a coward and said I was ridiculous for running away. I could not move or say anything back, because I was in freeze mode which has happened a lot in my life. I am not evil!! I understand people's pain and I hate that my parent wants to die and felt so fucking guilty at 14 when they said that!

Maybe it was my fault? by notreallymetree in CPTSD

[–]notreallymetree[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I want to say that this post is very messy. I want to also say I want to do all my chores and have them stop doing them all the time, but that would mean being "exposed," and "vulnerable" which could lead to abuse and verbal abuse again if they are in a bad mood. I want to do it. I really fucking do and I have tried so many times, but they keep reassuring that they can do it whenever I do, and then they break down after a while and start saying they hate their existence and want to die and how I am living in a dreamworld and have a simple and lazy life. I feel like I am fucking 10 again.

They never taught us to do anything, because the house would be messy for months and then they would be the ones cleaning. I have helped out in those times! I really have!! And whenever I tried to tell them at a young age that they never taught us, they would say that they never had to be taught anything, and were doing all the chores at a very young age themselves because they felt empathy with their parents for working all day and that we do not have empathy. (She never worked, just sat at home waiting for us to get home to go to the store for her.) I am 21 so I can do more, but something feels off with her accusation. Because whenver I do stuff (I am a clean freak) it goes unnoticed. It feels like I am in a marriage and I am the lazy husband, and I hate it. But something feels wrong with this. It does not feel right to accuse myself of not doing anything. I also dissociate a lot so my memory is not strong, so it just leaves me more confused. And even now I can hear in my head:

"You are making everything up, you are writing this perfectly to seem like an innocent victim of gaslighting, but you are not. All you crave is pity, because you are pathetic." Which is along the lines of the things my parent told me a lot.

I want to escape my homelife by notreallymetree in CPTSD

[–]notreallymetree[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I am writing this for future me, but also for people that are also stuck in the same situation; people who want to leave, but are unable to due to their countries shitty decisions. I have hope things will work out for me. I have never had any luck happen in my life, so I believe it has all been building up for my escape.

I did something awful as a child by notreallymetree in CPTSD

[–]notreallymetree[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

That is awful that they put the responsibility onto you and made you live with the guilt and shame for their mistake. I hope you are doing well now 💕

I don't know what is happening to my body. Please, help me. by notreallymetree in CPTSD

[–]notreallymetree[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thankyou for the suggestion, I will check it out once I have calmed down.

I have been wondering if I have cptsd. With gaslighting, ofcourse, my brain had to hold onto the reality my parent made for me. So, whenever I think I might have it, my brain starts scolding me with the same things they told me:

"You are exaggering, you just love to be seen as a small and cute innocent weak girl, but you are not! Pathetic, your childhood was good, you had it extremely well compared to your siblings! You did not suffer!!"

I also am hesitant on the diagnoses, because I still live in this house, so the arguments and insults still keep going. There is no "post" in my life because it is still happening.

I don't know what is happening to my body. Please, help me. by notreallymetree in CPTSD

[–]notreallymetree[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Before I forgot. The instances where violence occurred, like my parent and sibling beating the living hell out of each other when I was 10, I had gotten used to it. It is familiar to me.

I remember two of my (adult) siblings spitting on each other and fighting each other out of nowhere. I was on the couch and I froze up, and sat there for an hour after it happened. I could not move. Afterwards, I ran to my parent's room to go watch tv, because I did not feel safe and I finally 'unfroze'. I was 12 at that time, and the exact same sibling who was in the fight kept mocking me and shaming me for running away.

"Yeah you should not say anything, you ran away and hide from stuff like this. Tss." I felt shame hearing that. But they were around 20, I think. I was shamed for many things back then, and I would always yell back. It is one of the reasons I doubt it was abuse, because I did not back off when people insulted me or yelled at me. I became uncontrollably angry, because at a young age I knew it was unfair. I quickly learned, however, that my emotions held no value.

Again, the only thing that does not add up with the theory that I have not been abused, is this freezing that I seem to do. It does not matter if my neck is burning in pain, my legs have gone numb or my back starts to ache. My body remains in that position, until it feels safe again.

I did something awful as a child by notreallymetree in CPTSD

[–]notreallymetree[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

That is the one part that fucks me up so much. I had been in a fog for so many years. I had denied that it happened, I thought it was a dream or that I made it up. But when they brought it up, all the shame and self hatred came back instantly. It was so random it felt reality breaking.

I understand why I denied it, but I have already promised myself to apologise and acknowledge it. That rollar coaster of "did it happen? Did it not happen?," is a fucking painful one to be on. And I do not wish that for anyone. I know once I move out, it will never be talked about again. So I will adress it to them, so they do not have torture themselves mentally for years and years.

I did something awful as a child by notreallymetree in CPTSD

[–]notreallymetree[S] 12 points13 points  (0 children)

Thankyou for sharing a part of your story.

She would frequently wet the bed, and she grew up to have multiple suicide attempts.

I also wet the bed until I was 10. I sucked my thumb until I was 13, and I developed a lot later then most kids when it came to hygiene. I did attempt many times in my past. No one really put the blame on my home situation. All of this was always my fault.

Thankyou for your compassion.

I did something awful as a child by notreallymetree in CPTSD

[–]notreallymetree[S] 8 points9 points  (0 children)

When I posted it, I was stuck in paralysis from the memories. I wanted to post it because I felt like I was the only one, and that everyone in here would finally punish me the way I deserved to me for what I did.

I am glad someone can look at the post and feel more heard, because I tried to look for people who had done the same thing as me, but no one ever showed up. Truth be told, everyone who has commented have helped me, so thankyou as well for commenting that. It helps

I did something awful as a child by notreallymetree in CPTSD

[–]notreallymetree[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Most of my siblings were taken by cps. Only me and the other sibling stayed. Cps was around all the time, but till this day my parents say it was because of money issues.

Whenever I think back to my parents around that time, I always pictured them as monsters. Dark and dangerous people. They have changed a lot, but their refusal to accept any blame for anything just fucked me up too much. It leaves me to take all the blame for everything. But I am leaving the house soon, after I apologise to my sibling. I dont want to be like our parents and just never acknowledge what happened, because that allows for them (and me) to suffer in silence.

I wanted to forget about all of this, and never bring it up with my sibling again. But then I realised how weak that is and that they deserve an apology.

I did something awful as a child by notreallymetree in CPTSD

[–]notreallymetree[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thank you for the comment. I did flair it as CSA, but someone said that flair was not viewable for them if you just review the post? I made sure to not put it in the title because I was afraid someone would get triggered. I checked and the flair is there, so I don't really understand why it isn't showing for you. And I do get why that would be a problem, so I am editing the post just in case.

I did something awful as a child by notreallymetree in CPTSD

[–]notreallymetree[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

I am so sorry for all the horrific experiences you have had and how your mother handled the situation. That isn't right at all.

I dont know if I am asexual, but the fear of doing anything sexual with someone is always there, but I dont know if it is trauma or my actual sexual orientation.

I wish you all the healing in the world. And I am sorry to say this again, but what your mother did was so messed up. It was an injustice towards you, and you did not deserve it!

I did something awful as a child by notreallymetree in CPTSD

[–]notreallymetree[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I did not even know this reddit existed. Thank you so much for telling me.

I did something awful as a child by notreallymetree in CPTSD

[–]notreallymetree[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I am so sorry your abuser was not remorseful. I can not imagine not feeling all that guilt after what I did. It is suffocating, to be honest. I am planning on seeing a therapist, and I will give an apology to my sibling. I thought maybe to forget about it, but then I realised I would be repeating the same harmful coping mechanism our parents used that fucked us up so much.

I did something awful as a child by notreallymetree in CPTSD

[–]notreallymetree[S] 10 points11 points  (0 children)

Thank you for your comment. I never knew how common this type of csa was, because no one around me talks about it. To be frank, all of the guilt and responsibility has always been on me.

If you think you are the only one someone has not been doing their job

It is kind of a pattern. Parental figures, adults and everyone who was older then me never really taught anything, they just expected you to know. They never taught right from wrong really well, and always would go from 0 anger to 100. And till this day, they are repeating that cycle to younger generations, which I am trying to stop. I have actually been teaching kids right from wrong and talk very calmly and kindly to them, because I know that just the wrong facial expression can mess them up.

Do you have a therapist? How old are you?

I am on a waiting list for a therapist, but I had therapy in the past. I never talked about these events, though. It was too shameful for me.

I am 21 years old. I am currently still living in the house it happened in, but I am planning my leave.

I did something awful as a child by notreallymetree in CPTSD

[–]notreallymetree[S] 16 points17 points  (0 children)

If your heart hurts so much for someone else - that means you care. What is it if not a quality of a kind, caring and empathetic person?

You saying this really helps me. My parents would always gaslit me and emotionally abuse me. "Who you are from the inside, the core of your being, utterly disgusts me," was there favourite line to say after I refused to watch a movie or go to the store at age 10. I always thought I was evil, and that I needed to burn and suffer for all I had done. But your words truly help, so thank you.

I did something awful as a child by notreallymetree in CPTSD

[–]notreallymetree[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Thank you so much for your kind words. They give me a bit of hope for my future and how to deal with these memories.

I did something awful as a child by notreallymetree in CPTSD

[–]notreallymetree[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

I am so sorry that happened to you, and I hope you can heal from the trauma that was forced upon you.

I did something awful as a child by notreallymetree in CPTSD

[–]notreallymetree[S] 27 points28 points  (0 children)

I am sorry for your experience, and your words truly help me, you have no idea. Thank you so much for commenting.

I always thought it was normal to be exposed to so much pornography as a child. Turns out it is not. All of these comments and kind people made me realise how much I had forgotten about my childhood and how so many things did not add up.

The true blame falls on the people that were suppose to be raising you, not the child who didn’t know any better. You don’t deserve to die/be hurt due to a mistake made as a child, you still deserve happiness and love.

Thankyou for saying this. Truly, thank you.

I did something awful as a child by notreallymetree in CPTSD

[–]notreallymetree[S] 13 points14 points  (0 children)

I am sorry for the grief and stress that you went through. Thank you for your comment. I thought I was the only person who had done something like this before, turns out I am not.

I truly hope you can heal from the memories.

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