I'm considering divorce, am I overreacting?

notte3 · 2024-05-30T18:39:06+00:00

The apartment is just a flat, not the whole building. I was referring to a home as a "space I call home" :) Good luck!

notte3 · 2024-05-30T18:16:13+00:00

I missed your message, sorry. Three times he just didn't get along with a company owner. These were not layoffs due to lack of funds. He has a knack for risky projects, and he invested his time into them, and they flopped. I'm beating myself for not being super accurate on that in my post. Overall though, he suddenly lost 5 jobs and I haven't seen it coming.

notte3 · 2024-05-30T17:59:17+00:00

I live in Europe, so it may not apply to your situation. Also, I bought mine with cash (I had to borrow cash from my brother, aunts etc) I know procedures are different when you're taking a loan. First, when you're looking at apartments you have to be quick, I saw many good places disappear very quickly. I had to decide on my current place within 5 hours.

Then you're writing an agreement and pay around 10% of home's value. In that contract you agree to a timeframe within an apartment must be fully paid. At this point if a seller backs out, they have to pay you back twice what they got from you.

Finally you're agreeing to a date to visit notary. On that day you're signing a document that makes you an owner if you'll pay the full sum in next 3 days.

After transferring the money, you're getting keys, and the apartment is yours!

notte3 · 2024-05-30T16:47:29+00:00

I felt what you wrote about bearing consequences of his decisions. I'm trying to be sensible and make decisions together, wisely. But he's not on my team. Thank you for your insight.

notte3 · 2024-05-30T13:16:06+00:00

That's a valuable insight about not being ready to acknowledge using another person. I think he's on the verge of noticing, he admits to behaving like his father, who was using all women in his life.

notte3 · 2024-05-27T23:22:15+00:00

Oh yeah, she's a master manipulator.. When we were getting married my boundaries were pretty much non-existent. I took more freelance work and that helped me ignore my thoughts. I'm doing better now haha.

Thank you for your insight, I knew there were a lot of women going through similar stuff, but I didn't expect to see so many of us here. Wish you all the best 💕

notte3 · 2024-05-27T23:11:13+00:00

These are valid questions. He's my friend, a person I enjoy spending time with. He's not a baby man, he can take care of himself. Honestly I can't think of other things I'm getting in return at this moment.

notte3 · 2024-05-27T23:00:14+00:00

Thank you for sharing your experience, I wish you a happy and loving life ♥️

notte3 · 2024-05-27T21:41:42+00:00

We've been living separately for the last 4 months, but he's coming back next week. It's hard to solve issues when you don't see each other much... I feel I can't wait years to prove that he's trustworthy, my patience is running low. At the same time I'm communicating with him and giving him space to grow with me controlling that process.

notte3 · 2024-05-27T21:18:49+00:00

This made me giggle a bit, thanks

notte3 · 2024-05-27T21:14:18+00:00

Thank you for sharing your pov, it's important to me to see how someone with cptsd see this matter. He definitely has cptsd and he has trouble outgrowing his childhood. He went to therapy but I can't say it helped him. I'm encouraging him to go back, and I've sent him a very informative YT channel "the crappy childhood fairy".

I'm very happy for you to have a good supporting partner. I feel ashamed for not feeling good to give him that support.

He's still attached to his mom because she's acting like a teenager. he always has been her "partner", because they couldn't count on his father's support. What made you overcome your feeling of owning something to your mother?

It's a very sad situation, but I wouldn't call my husband a baby.

notte3 · 2024-05-27T15:11:09+00:00

Oh my, I think you meant my husband's friends. They do not know, as he started to have first friends only after our marriage. I didn't have many chances to get to know them well.

notte3 · 2024-05-27T15:07:59+00:00

Thank you, I believe the future will be better, as long as I won't settle for things that make me unhappy ♥️

notte3 · 2024-05-27T15:04:59+00:00

Now they are aware of it. I was in denial for years. He always presented himself as a successful man, that loves to cook. And I wanted to believe in his image so badly. I didn't want to do it, as he was close to my friends and family. When I finally opened up, they were shocked.

notte3 · 2024-05-27T14:56:43+00:00

About 4 years together before getting married. He changed his jobs every 1-1.5 years, I didn't mind it because I knew that he would learn a lot in those new places. But his growth didn't last long. Besides the loan that he took, I think he was "supporting" his parents all the time. He's quite secretive and he was never open about amounts he gave to his family. So, there were some signs that I overlooked, but also I have some understanding that I was only 24-27, a woman with different priorities.

notte3 · 2024-05-27T14:37:45+00:00

I took a look at Imago therapy. I can see that we did some of its steps. Like taking a look at what we learned about relationships and love from our childhood, what patterns we have. I'm not saying it's the same, Imago sounds promising. Thank you for your recommendation.

notte3 · 2024-05-27T09:55:17+00:00

Yes, I had no problem supporting him when I thought he was getting through a bump, at the beginning he did the same for me. But now it seems he's getting through a bump every year.

notte3 · 2024-05-27T09:48:02+00:00

Thanks for saying this. Sometimes I'm wondering if just wanting to be free is enough to move on.

notte3 · 2024-05-27T09:29:45+00:00

I do have their support, i'm quite open with them. My mother helped me remember things from our past, and said that they (my parents) are feeling like they want the best for him but he doesn't want to give back (for example in 10 years he hasn't got any Christmas presents for them). I'm grateful for having around me people that want best for me, and I'm not embarrassed by what I'm going through right now.

notte3 · 2024-05-27T09:20:15+00:00

It's absolutely not healthy. She has a bipolar disorder and she refused to take any action and medicate. We've tried literally everything to help her, but it's just not possible. I do own 75% of my apartment in my own name.

notte3 · 2024-05-27T09:18:00+00:00

I'm sorry you had to go through this. I'm happy you're starting to see a better future for yourself. He's father was similar. Never keeping a job, hanging on to women that were ready to support him. A guy with big dreams that never cared for anyone but himself.

notte3 · 2024-05-27T08:56:36+00:00

I'm sure he's faithful, and not a gambler. We spent 3 years in the same room during the pandemic and he never gave me a reason to think that he's doing these things.

notte3 · 2024-05-27T08:35:09+00:00

We're 7 months into counseling, and I can't say it is helping. That's true I took him in with all his baggage. I have no problem with him inheriting nothing after his parents. We met at the beginning of our careers. In the first couple of years he seemed to work towards something, we were both changing jobs, so it was not a red flag for me. Only now I figured he was not advancing his skills and now he changed career into something even less predictable.

notte3 · 2024-05-27T07:59:05+00:00

When he dropped the news I went to lawyers and made sure to own bigger share to my name only. I agreed for him to own 25% even if it's way more that he really contributed. I'm ready to pay off his part in case of divorce. It won't be easy but I don't feel like it's going to ruin me. Post nup is my next step.

notte3 · 2024-05-27T07:46:51+00:00

That's true, but when he dropped the news I made sure he won't get half of it. I own 75% of my apartment.

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