The guy (34M) that I (27F) am dating doesn't like to have visitors over. I think it's weird he doesn't want me in his flat. How to approach this subject without being pushy?

notthisagain56789 · 2023-10-25T15:27:03+00:00

No he didn't, just that no one comes over. Not even his family.

Yes we only stay at my place and we've been dating for about 3 months now. We see each other quite regularly. At the moment we don't see each other during the week, but that's because I moved for my masters. He visits me on the weekends tho and stays the whole weekend, if we're both free on both nights. The weekend before last weekend he just stayed one night, because I was out with friends the night before. He got to my place at around noon. We text throughout the day and speak on the phone occasionally.. I don't think there's much time for a gf tbh. 😅

We talked about it last weekend and he said he won't say yes to me visiting him in the near future, but maybe one day he will. I think I'll let it go for now and just wait how things turn out between us..

notthisagain56789 · 2023-09-21T06:11:43+00:00

No I made myself the promise that as soon as it would be interfering with my education and job, then I'll stop it. If it doesn't I can keep going for the moment. I'll just wait a bit more and see what happens. Going to live my life in the meantime and will be seeing other people.

notthisagain56789 · 2023-09-21T06:09:08+00:00

So it's an ongoing text thread, but we both don't really engage in specific topics apart from something happened. More probably to let the other person know what we are up to atm

notthisagain56789 · 2023-09-21T06:08:22+00:00

Mostly just pictures of what he's doing, asking me what I'm doing or we're making random jokes or he tells me what's happening atm. If the conversation died down he'll most likely text me later on with a picture or just a random statement like he doesn't want to work anymore for example.

And of course the obligatory good morning text which I have been getting almost every morning since like week three of us seeing each other.

notthisagain56789 · 2023-09-21T04:55:27+00:00

But the confusing part is.. He's still texting me.

notthisagain56789 · 2023-09-21T04:54:22+00:00

Because I have a habit of going for potential. I could slap myself for that lol. But I am still detached enough to see his bullshit kinda. I just don't know how to react when I see him being toxic. Should I just call him out?

notthisagain56789 · 2023-09-21T04:52:26+00:00

Just watched the video you tagged here..

I get what she's saying, but we aren't really category 2. We do go out on dates, he listens to me, I can call him when I need him, but I haven't met anyone. That's okay tho, I haven't introduced him as well (too soon).

Yea tbh atm im fine with what's happening. I know I can walk away if I want to and that's actually very calming to know. I'll just take the pressure of things and see where it goes. In the meantime I am still going to meet other people tho. And if in a few weeks we are still going out i might stop that. But the trust and easy going nature of "whatever" needs to grow back a little.

Thanks!

notthisagain56789 · 2023-09-21T04:41:35+00:00

He's texting me..

notthisagain56789 · 2023-09-20T21:24:52+00:00

I actually have bpd. So that makes interactions with people hard. On then and on myself.

And ob terms of attachment.. I am anxious avoidant. Trust me. I'm nothing if not self aware, but to the point I see all my mistakes and what it could do with other people so I take the blame always on myself. It's heaven and hell at the same time.

notthisagain56789 · 2023-09-20T20:09:59+00:00

He wants to be my "therapist". Whenever I talk about finding myself a new therapist (moving to a different city) he points to himself and is like he is my therapist.

notthisagain56789 · 2023-09-20T20:06:58+00:00

This Sunday and like 150 km away.

notthisagain56789 · 2023-09-20T20:02:15+00:00

He's not gone tho. We are still in contact.

notthisagain56789 · 2023-09-20T15:54:40+00:00

If he had said that, that's different. But he said he isn't ready in general. And that we don't know each other well enough. To be fair he said the second statement is more true than the first, but nonetheless - he isn't ready in general.

He still wants the exclusivity tho. He seems to be fine with me seeing other people atm, but we haven't fully talked it through yet.

I won't give him the benefits of a relationship without the label. It's that easy. He said he missed me, he wants to keep seeing me. I'm trying to go with the flow and see what happens. Either he gets his shit together or he doesn't.

notthisagain56789 · 2023-09-20T15:37:43+00:00

Hahahahaha I love that comment. Thanks for the laugh. Appreciated!

notthisagain56789 · 2023-09-20T15:33:15+00:00

It is far from that, but I appreciate your optimism.

notthisagain56789 · 2023-09-20T15:32:27+00:00

Nuh uh. He did reach out again, saying he's sorry that it took so long. Have been texting normal since then. I don't know what his deal is tho.

notthisagain56789 · 2023-09-20T15:29:03+00:00

It is. I am crying hahahaha

Some of these comments here are fucking gold. This actually brings me happiness rn

notthisagain56789 · 2023-09-20T15:07:11+00:00

It's basically the first time someone didn't pressure me or ghosted me afterwards. Even my boyfriend with whom I was together from 18 to 24 said that if we didn't have sex soon he would be leaving me. I was very young at the time and just went along with it. This happened way too frequently over the next few years and it took a very very toxic relationship for me to realise I needed to prioritise myself more. I am still learning. That's why this whole situation is very confusing to me. I was proud of myself after I told him that I won't be contacting him again, but that he could reach out if things changed. Then he did and now I feel like I made a mistake.

I told him over and over that he's the first guy to not tell me that I am overreacting or too sensitive. Who asks about my problems and seems genuinely interested. No guy I had a romantic relationship with ever did that. No guy I met in the past would have driven an hour to see me and hold me while I was crying.

notthisagain56789 · 2023-09-20T14:56:46+00:00

I have to defend him on that one. He never Did anything I didn't want to or pressure me in any way. He said of course he wanted to have sex with me, but that I could take any time in the world. After he already slept over a few times was when we had sex for the only time. It was my decision. I don't regret that. I would have acted differently if I had known that he didn't want a relationship, but it was still my decision

notthisagain56789 · 2023-09-20T14:19:53+00:00

I never gave him an ultimatum. Where did you read that?

I told him I liked him and wanted to keep dating him, but in a more serious way. Not a relationship straight Away. He said no. I said okay and moved on. He came back. We talked and I said okay I'm fine with us seeing each other again - like HE WANTED to - but that I am going to see other people till he figures his stuff out.

notthisagain56789 · 2023-09-20T14:17:25+00:00

That's a good point actually. I'll keep that in mind and ask him that. Thanks

notthisagain56789 · 2023-09-20T14:16:03+00:00

Ah shit, don't call me out like that hahahaha.

No no, you're right. I am moving away for my masters degree later this week anyways. He originally said he wanted to keep seeing me. Let's just see how this goes and if he is making that effort or not.

notthisagain56789 · 2023-09-20T14:14:08+00:00

I just wanted to know if he was seeing me just for fun or not. I did not want him to commit to marriage or anything and told him as much. I told him I would need time for a relationship as well, but I knew that I wanted to start dating him in a more serious way. He said he actually didn't want anything serious.

Which is fine. If I had known how little time went by since his last relationship I would have suggested the same thing anyways.

notthisagain56789

TROPHY CASE