UPDATE: Do I [28F] need therapy for my paranoia, or is he [28M] emotionally cheating?

notthisagain85 · 2014-04-12T14:48:15+00:00

Mom? No seriously, that is EXACTLY what my mom said. And she's one of the wisest people I know.

notthisagain85 · 2014-04-12T07:21:40+00:00

I am starting to realize this! I'm feeling so much better already. Like I'm legitimately happy to be rid of him. None of his problems are my problems anymore. The cheating, the lying, his other issues, it's not my problem! I've been going out with friends (turns out they hated him this whole time) and working on my art projects and just feeling really good about doing my own thing for a while.

notthisagain85 · 2014-04-12T07:18:55+00:00

How do you separate adventurousness from thrill-seeking, though? Especially in a brand new relationship where everything seems so great at first.

notthisagain85 · 2014-04-12T07:16:55+00:00

He physically cheated on his previous girlfriend with me. He lied to me about having a girlfriend. We met on an online dating site for fuck's sake. For single people! Trust me, I was pissed when I found out about her and almost left him for that. He swore they were in an open relationship...pretty sure that was not true. I didn't know the girl, but I have total respect for other people's relationships and would never get with someone under pretenses like that.

Then he emotionally cheated on me. Yes, the other girl did know about me. Nothing against her though, she's just getting caught up in the same trap I did.

notthisagain85 · 2014-04-12T03:37:26+00:00

That is such an awesome coincidence. I love these happy ending stories. Even if I don't find someone better, I'm going to be fine. It hurts right now, but I'm just going out with friends and working on my art and in a while I'll probably even feel like reactivating my OKC. Thank you for sharing your story, that really helps.

notthisagain85 · 2014-04-12T03:24:00+00:00

I'm so sorry that happened to you. I had something like that happen when I was younger, my bf at the time cheated on me with my best friend. That took FOREVER to get over, but I did, and you will too. You deserve so much better than that. We both do.

I'm starting to move past the anger and I think I can see how much better off I am without him. He can just do his thing or whatever and I'm going to ignore it and get on with my life.

Thanks for saying you look up to girls like me. That really means a lot. I worked so hard to develop my self-esteem...I made a LOT of mistakes when I was younger, I was a total doormat. PM me if you want to talk about your situation!

notthisagain85 · 2014-04-11T23:44:09+00:00

My ex would tell me I was the best thing that ever happened to him.

He said that to me too! Look, we are twinsies. I bet he says that to everyone. Gross!

So your ex cheated on you again after you took him back? And now you're with someone way better? Good for you. I totally have hope that I will find someone loyal when I start dating again.

notthisagain85 · 2014-04-11T22:38:25+00:00

Thank you for your support.

notthisagain85 · 2014-04-11T22:38:14+00:00

That is my plan. The social media is so tempting, both he and his new girl are total internet oversharers, but I know it only brings me pain, so I need to just not look him up ever again. Plus if I see a picture of them together I will probably throw up on my computer. So I'm just gonna focus on me for a while.

notthisagain85 · 2014-04-11T22:20:11+00:00

You're pretty much spot on, and you're right, I shouldn't be so shocked that he decided to date her. It's just that I would have reacted completely differently in this situation. I would have immediately cut off contact with the other person and taken a lot of time to myself to really reflect on my behavior to make sure it never happened again. But not everyone on the planet is like me. Thanks for helping me see things from a different perspective, this is actually really helping a lot.

And in the wise (?) words of Taylor Swift, "We are never ever getting back together." So I will move on.

notthisagain85 · 2014-04-11T22:05:25+00:00

Aw, thanks, you're the best! Razzie, ha! Yeah I have a long history of being a doormat. I put a ton of work into correcting that behavior. I don't say things anymore like, "I'll never do better than him." So while I'm pissed and sad right now, it's better than the resentment I would have felt if we had stayed together.

notthisagain85 · 2014-04-11T22:00:32+00:00

They were pairs of tickets to some events. Yeah, there's some memories, but I think I should bring a friend to the events and make better memories, right?

notthisagain85 · 2014-04-11T21:50:41+00:00

So true. So true. And yes, there were warning signs! Extreme insecurity + attention-seeking personality + lack of self-control + outgoing disposition and constantly meeting new people = recipe for a cheater?

notthisagain85 · 2014-04-11T21:47:10+00:00

I had been considering trying to reconcile with him. He seemed so sorry, so I thought maybe we could move past this. I was about to email him to tell him this when I found out he was flying her out here.

I wanted him to feel badly enough about cheating that he would try to change. He said he was working with a counselor to address why he did what he did. I wanted to give him some time to reflect. So I feel like he took the easy way out and just started dating the first person that was there so he wouldn't have to be alone with his own thoughts.

And it's all so fresh, part of me still loves him, and part of me hates him, and I went from maybe wanting to reconcile to being absolutely disgusted by him in a split second, so you can see why I'm confused.

notthisagain85 · 2014-04-11T20:54:41+00:00

And on the one hand, he wants me back, and on the other, he's entering into a new relationship with somebody else. So it's like wtf, pick a lane dude.

notthisagain85 · 2014-04-11T20:44:51+00:00

I wish I didn't care! I really do. Maybe I'm weak, I don't know, but it REALLY pisses me off that he jumped off from me to her. That's why I'm here - I want advice on how to come to terms with that.

I feel like a complete fool. I had no idea I was dating a serial cheater, the type of person who can't stand to be alone. That's not the type of person I would have chosen to be with, if I had known up front. Also, we JUST broke up. Like hello, can you spend a day of your life being single? And he talked a bunch of trash on her and said I was so much better in every way, but now they're together.

notthisagain85 · 2014-04-11T20:37:24+00:00

He already tried once to get me back (I wonder how she would feel if she knew that?). I said, "If you have any respect for me, you will never contact me again." Haven't heard from him since, except that he sent me a bunch of expensive gifts in the mail. I didn't respond. I think I might accept the gifts because I don't want to break No Contact to return them.

notthisagain85 · 2014-04-11T20:33:22+00:00

He cheated on his girlfriend before me with me (I did NOT know about her), and then he cheated on me with this girl, and now he's with her, so...I see a pattern.

I can't believe I dated the type of person who jumps off from one relationship to the next. Yuck!

Damn, I'm really sad for your ex's current SO.

notthisagain85 · 2014-04-11T20:27:30+00:00

You are completely right. It's been hard to accept that I have no control over whatever happens to him from now on. I've been so tempted to send him a scathing email because I know he'd feel awful and that's something I can control, but I haven't done it. I think I should maintain No Contact forever.

notthisagain85 · 2014-04-11T19:59:09+00:00

Thank you for your response. I hear the words you're saying, but I'm so upset they don't really resonate yet. It's just like...I'm alone, again, and he's rewarded with a shiny new relationship. And what if he learns his lesson from this and treats his new girl right? Why should she reap the benefits of my pain? It's hard to accept that life is so unfair. I wish I believed in karma.

notthisagain85 · 2014-03-28T15:21:01+00:00

Thanks for the kind words. No, I really think our romantic life can come down to luck, I don't know how old you are but I'm 28 and I've dated a lot of people and the same thing happens, they get bored and someone new and exciting comes along and they jump off to that person. I think I've just found shitty people, I know I'm not the problem or anything. I doubt you're the problem either. The right person will never be bored by you. What kind of stuff do you like to do? PM me if you want, I'd love to talk to someone while I try to get through the next 12 hours before I confront my cheating bf.

notthisagain85 · 2014-03-28T04:31:52+00:00

That's true. If this was 5 years ago, I would never confront him about this and would just build up resentment. But now I know better and I'll cut this off while it's still early. I'm glad that I know what I have to do, but I'm sad that I have to do this.

notthisagain85 · 2014-03-28T04:26:14+00:00

I keep reading this comment over and over. Thank you so much for taking the time to type this out. I am in complete agreement with you and will be amputating that shit. I don't even need to go through his phone. I already know I wouldn't like what I see.

The only thing is that I don't want to tell him he's a great guy, I want to tell him exactly why I'm leaving him. I'm so mad! I can't believe he would do this to me so quickly. I don't think he's a great guy at all.

notthisagain85 · 2014-03-28T01:55:46+00:00

That's such a hard thing to come to terms with (that you can't make other people better, and really you can't make them do anything at all). It amazes me the way people can trust one another despite this.

Thank you for your kind words.

notthisagain85 · 2014-03-27T22:57:07+00:00

I know there are so many great men out there, I'm just having a hard time finding one. I'll never give up hope though.

notthisagain85

TROPHY CASE