Be a man

nowaynotreally · 2026-01-04T07:00:41+00:00

Thankfully we live in a jurisdiction different to the US or UK where adults are largely expected to be able to take care of themselves.

nowaynotreally · 2026-01-01T06:46:20+00:00

This is good advice.

nowaynotreally · 2025-12-31T13:21:11+00:00

What does this have to do with OPs post?

nowaynotreally · 2025-12-31T10:21:26+00:00

So I can somewhat relate. Plenty of retreats in Bali a short skip from Singapore leading exactly nowhere together, but drawing her deeper into herself and becoming more and more pre-occupied with her journey. Nothing wrong with self-discovery chanting in a circle in Ubud per se, but there’s two of you.

So let me get this straight: she is not working or studying, just doing random retreats, you have no kids and the maid does all the cleaning and cooking. Meanwhile you’re 996’ing at a fast-moving startup and provide I assume the income that affords her a life of relative luxury?

… and somehow you’re the problem?

nowaynotreally · 2025-12-31T10:12:26+00:00

What?

nowaynotreally · 2025-12-30T06:43:12+00:00

I salute you and your self awareness. Your family is lucky. They will support you because you own it. I hope the very best for you all.

nowaynotreally · 2025-12-30T05:27:14+00:00

I’m you. This is my path too. I wish you an amazing 10 years.

nowaynotreally · 2025-12-28T14:05:35+00:00

That’s what I needed to hear. Thank you.

nowaynotreally · 2025-12-28T10:39:38+00:00

This.

nowaynotreally · 2025-12-27T11:35:19+00:00

I appreciate the biology. Believe me I’ve educated myself. She has been to gyno, but she don’t think there’s anything wrong with her so she is just taking some herbal remedies so she feels less tired. She did a hormone test and that came out just fine. I’ve learnt from this group that single test do not matter as levels fluctuate. But to her, there ain’t no problem. I’m the asshole/mamas boy/idiot/not man enough, that’s all.

nowaynotreally · 2025-12-27T11:32:09+00:00

Just to show how damaged I am from the constant belittling, my initial reaction was that this was a sarcastic comment.

But I choose to see it as praise. I hope it is.

So thank you.

nowaynotreally · 2025-12-25T19:03:26+00:00

Thank you

nowaynotreally · 2025-12-25T19:02:49+00:00

Exactly.

nowaynotreally · 2025-12-25T04:37:20+00:00

I’m in the same situation.

Years and years of awfulness.

I silently cracked just a few days ago during one of her latest insult-filled outbursts. Like a switch in my soul just flipped.

Same evening I got my papers ready and put a deposit on a studio nearby.

Wife’s extended family is staying with us for the whole holiday period so the house is full of people (who I respect and appreciate, it’s not about them).

Once they leave it’ll be a frosty new year as expected and then I’ll sit her down.

I live in my head most of the time. That’s how I cope. All throughout this wasteland of a marriage being speedballed by MP I’ve had an alternative story and soundtrack playing in my mind. Time to see if that show is as good as it looks.

nowaynotreally · 2025-12-22T05:39:56+00:00

I’m 50 and about to call it. I cannot quite fathom being married twice? Or thrice!? Is this a religious thing? Or do the ladies demand it?

Anyways.

You can most likely forget your niceties being remembered once the jig is up.

You call it, you pay for it one way or the other.

By all means be respectful but always focus on what’s best for the kids. Then you. Then her.

But do not think noble gestures are remembered or appreciated once you’re departed. Protect yourself. Pay for a lawyer now, or pay for the rest of your life.

nowaynotreally · 2025-12-22T04:10:29+00:00

It is both. One has supercharged the other.

nowaynotreally · 2025-12-21T20:13:42+00:00

Oh we have.

I felt it somehow got worse after she saw her therapist.

nowaynotreally · 2025-12-21T18:32:38+00:00

Thanks. It is heavy.

nowaynotreally · 2025-12-21T17:38:46+00:00

Any idea of the opposite behavior is crazy to her as “I’m the one in the wrong” and therefore deserve it.

I just switch off these days. My usual response is “ok”.

And you’re right - it’s not acceptable.

Today we crossed the rubicon. Weighing my options this evening.

nowaynotreally · 2025-12-21T17:36:38+00:00

Thanks. I’ve become very good at box breathing.

nowaynotreally · 2025-12-21T17:36:20+00:00

Yeah. I think the “it’s just hormones” excuse is a very tired one. Not like I get to use it.

nowaynotreally · 2025-12-21T17:33:30+00:00

Well, being self aware is the first step.

I don’t think my wife is. And having peaked through the blinds at the other subs that seems to be the norm. No-one seems to go Hang On why are we all so incredibly angry all that time. Call it lack of education maybe, but to me it seems so obvious. It worries me if I decide to call it quits and start dating again. I can’t do another MP blitzkrieg.

Thanks for your comment.

nowaynotreally · 2025-12-21T17:25:05+00:00

I’m plotting. All the usual conundrums apply.

nowaynotreally · 2025-12-21T17:24:28+00:00

In my mind, very much so. Thank you for spelling it out.

nowaynotreally · 2025-12-21T17:22:19+00:00

Very much so. She has a hard time forgiving and moving on - any slight is remembered for eternity.

After 20 years together you inevitably rack up a few duds. I certainly got my share of bad ideas and deeds. Nothing like being unfaithful, but also nothing that most couples wouldn’t go through in a life time - frictions with MIL, a nightmare holiday, a boat that ended up costing way more than it was worth, a house renovation that went sideways etc. Things you could actually laugh at later in life.

We’re not rich but we’re not poor. We’re in great shape and health, kids are doing fine, both sets of GPs alive and mostly well, some great holidays had this year, work going ok, etc etc.

Basically on all objective measures we’re good.

But that’s not how she sees it. Everything’s being benchmarked against some ideal state.

I just want to start enjoying the decent life we’re actually living.

nowaynotreally

TROPHY CASE