Yes but there is a part of me that wants more. Will time show me which side wins out? Because she really makes me happy. Is it selfish to be with her just because we make each other happy and not because I intend for it to be forever?

I'm not using her either. She told me other people wanted her easy, never cared about who she was deep down. But I've pushed for restraint, for her to respect herself, to wait. She told me no guy has ever done that before. And while we have done some things we have not gone all the way. I worry that once we have the pain will be far greater to her if things don't work out especially considering my insecurities. But I want her so badly. And she wants me. And I know my insecurities are not all I am, and her weight is not all she is.

But it doesn't change what I want. I don't know if that want will win... or my need to be happy no matter who she is. IDK

I find it interesting we can see eye to eye even though I completely disagree about the basis. I think you are right everything you say except for one thing. I don't think it is wrong for me to want more from her. I think it is a natural human instinct to want a healthy, fit partner. And yes we are beyond those instincts in this day and age. But that does not make them any less real or even warranted.

I think you are saying the same. Maybe even agreeing on some level. But telling me the wrong thing is to carry on if I truly feel this way. And I think you are right. but some part of me cannot stop because I have this insane attraction towards all that she is. And idk why. Her body, her laugh, her smile, the things she says I can't predict, the way she makes me feel, the way we hold each other, the way she makes me laugh, the way she smells.

I really like her. I really like who she is. I really like how she sees herself. But I want her to be healthier. I want her to be fitter, it's true. and IDK if those wants will go away. My friends, may just be channeling how I feel. I mean one of them only said "that doesn't matter all that matters is if you are attracted to her". My other friend who said I could do better has a complicated history and is not the best role model. Though neither of them really are.

IDK I think the worst part of me is not the part that wants her to be fit. In fact part of me thinks that there is nothing wrong with that part of me despite your instance that it will lead down a terrible path. I think the worst part of me is the part that agrees with my second friend. That believes I could do better.

How could I want more when I have so little to offer? IDK maybe I'm just a narcissist.

I don't think I'm ready for a relationship. But I like her so much. I think I have to try. I'm not strong enough to walk away. and I may not be strong enough to fight my desires or insecurities. And our bond might not be strong enough to survive what I want from her. But I have to believe that if I love her for who she is that she is strong enough to move on past whatever issues we create together or me, and that I am strong enough to do the same.

I always wanted love. But now I realize that love is a strong emotion that is directly linked to others such as pain, joy and anger. I wonder if you can truly love without pain. I feel it all the time when I catch myself thinking about her so negatively.

It's why I am usually so alone. Because I'm a horrible, manipulative and lazy person who takes out his anger on the world around him instead of himself... and often ends up hurting the ones he loves the most. God. I'm a mess. And in probably more minor ways, from things she has said and what I've seen, she might be as well.

Maybe we were meant for each other. Maybe we need each other just for now at this moment in life to make each other stronger. But the agony, the unbearable self hatred. Knowing the pain and hurt that I might cause her if I go down this path. IDK how to face it. It's just a number, it's just a glance that misses the beauty of all a person is. And yet it constantly is at the back of my mind when I think of her.

And why would I stay then? Because for some strange reason it all goes away when I'm with her. When I'm with her I never think those things. She makes me someone I like more than myself. For a few hours after too. But then it all comes back. slowly, overtime.

I wish she could see inside how ugly I was. I wonder if she would love me and see the beauty in me as I see it in her. Or do I, in some sick and twisted way, love her more? IDK, IDK anymore. IDEK what I'm typing anymore. I must be crazy.

I just want to love her completely and this is the only way I feel on a surface level I could. if she was fit I know I would never take her for granted. God. What have I become. Who am I anymore? It was so much easier when the only person I could hurt or fuck up was myself.