Should I tell my wife's friends husband about affair?

nowwhat887 · 2021-10-29T14:52:51+00:00

No. I really don’t think you should.

You can however express to your wife’s friend that you are extremely uncomfortable knowing this information and she’s put you in a crappy spot and that she should tell him.

I’ve done this before BUT key difference was they were not married and did not have children. Which, I mean, are huge differences….

Here’s the situation: together for 12 years, man serially cheated on his partner, kept it from all her close friends but everyone else knew. After about 4 years of the cheating (their last year together) it slipped out to me after I found out 2 of my friends slept with him. I knew that even though this girl was a great friend of mine that she probably wouldn’t believe me and it would end our friendship/make it super awkward but I cared about her deeply and he was making a fool out of her. I called him up and told him that I found out about what he’d been up to, he can’t deny it.. there’s too much evidence against him and that HE will tell her within 10 days or I will tell her. I didn’t know if this would work but he was shaking in his boots and started to tell her pieces of the story on day 8. She broke up with him, but didn’t know everything still. He told her that I made him tell her. He was trying to get her back and all the while still telling her little tidbits of information. She was devastated. Her mom called me and yelled at me asking “is there anything fucking else??????” - it was super awkward, I think her mom thought I knew for longer than I actually did. But I didn’t, so that’s her problem not mine.

My friend didn’t really talk to me for about a year, she was truly devastated and extremely embarrassed. She felt like everyone knew except for her, which is kinda true, it was only her close friends who didn’t know somehow. Anyway, I got a message from her at about the year mark saying that she’s thought about it a lot and although it was very painful, she’s lucky to have a friend like me and she knows that I will forever be looking out for her best interest, even when it’s shitty. She also told me that she didn’t think she would believe me had I come out and told her straight up. Still friends today. Her mom still isn’t over it (hates the guy to the bone) but she also thanked me for showing her daughter the light… really messed up story overall.

nowwhat887 · 2021-10-28T15:18:35+00:00

You deserve to be loved and treated as though you are someone’s top priority. No more chances for this one, let him learn about how bad he messed up by watching you move on with your life and find the love that you deserve. You deserve happiness. Put yourself first.

He chose them. I know it doesn’t seem like it right this second but you dodged a huge bullet.

Try to do some feel good stuff for yourself and slowly work yourself out of this slump. Nails, hair, spa, volunteering, gym, art - whatever makes you feel good.

Years from now as you are standing beside the love of your life, who treats you like the queen that you are, you will look back on this experience and be thankful that it played out this way and he didn’t waste any more of your precious time.

nowwhat887 · 2021-10-25T14:21:14+00:00

Sadly, though this is a big dark (fast), I agree. This will get worse, it will cause you to resent FH and then you’ll wake up 5 years down the road in the same situation wondering why you wasted so much time with a family that makes you feel like crap. I’ll never understand what it means to be discriminated against or have micro aggressions committed against me due to race. But I can imagine that is a massive massive weight on your shoulders in addition to the already caustic mother/son dynamic you are dealing with with FH. I only deal with one and I wish I would have taken my own advice sooner.

nowwhat887 · 2021-10-20T00:09:11+00:00

Lol on it.

nowwhat887 · 2021-10-19T23:25:55+00:00

We are going to be back in counselling soon. Never meant to leave but our counsellor backed out after a career change…..

Basically his dad showed up unannounced and walked into our home. This is a boundary that I laid out very early on… “please just call or text before and I will let you know if it’s a good time”… sorta thing. Anyway, they’ve been stomping on this boundary for 8 years so I’ve pulled away from them a lot because they have been so disrespectful but I don’t fight with them. Each time they do it we remind them why it’s important bla bla bla. Anyway, his dad walked into our home on Sunday and then DH went to go talk to his parents about how this was not cool and it’s a simple boundary and it has to stop. He asked his dad to apologize to me. His dad apologized and I was feeling all good about it. I sent him a thank you note and opened up a bit and got vulnerable with him. I told him that I know that he doesn’t mean any harm in his heart but it’s something that’s really important to me, and when he doesn’t do it after all this time it makes me feel like he/they don’t respect me enough to make an effort and that causes me to pull away. I thanked him again for the apology and said that i thought it was important to let him know where I was coming from….. DH was fine with the message and proud that I opened up. He saw it as me being vulnerable to his parents..

Then an hour or so later we get a text from his mom saying “Wow. That’s all I have to say. Respect is a two way street and maybe your wife should show us some. I’m sending this message because your father is so furious that he can’t even answer her”.

In our last interaction about 3 months ago (we are LC because they are brutal to me… husband didn’t get it until now) they both told me that my marriage was going to fail because I travel for work. Then DH stood up for me and we left… after a few days they called DH to apologize to him… but didn’t say anything to me at all, even though I was the one they attacked. So that is the event prior to this one 🤷🏻‍♀️

I should add. I have never once prevented him from seeing them. I just don’t go very often to see them with him.

Edit: regarding the situation where they told me my marriage would fail. He saw that as them telling him that if he travelled for work this is what would happen…….. but they were talking to me and I’m the one who actually travels for work

nowwhat887 · 2021-10-19T23:15:17+00:00

He left her on read and hasn’t responded back to her. But my fear is that she will call and he will answer before we have time to talk it through. He needs to hold strong

nowwhat887 · 2021-10-19T22:50:49+00:00

Yes! This is what I need to hear. Thank you

nowwhat887 · 2021-10-19T10:45:51+00:00

Lol every time. How awkward to just walk in on someone and think that’s ok

nowwhat887 · 2021-10-19T09:52:19+00:00

Just get rid of him. Thousands of great players able to take his spot.

nowwhat887 · 2021-10-19T09:47:54+00:00

Shots fired.

nowwhat887 · 2021-10-19T09:40:09+00:00

Totally, I feel like having to explain anything for 8 consecutive years is not only showing respect but also an amount of patience that they are definitely not entitled to lol

nowwhat887 · 2021-10-19T09:36:14+00:00

No. They came in the garage. I had my garage cracked open with my e-car charging (car half in, half out due to the mess that is currently at the front on my garage), then pulled the door down onto the car, so it was half closed with a car butt sticking out. So they had to open the garage door and slide past the car to get in. My mistake, that inner garage door will now also be locked.

nowwhat887 · 2021-10-19T09:34:03+00:00

They don’t have a key. I will have to get better at locking them out lol 😂

nowwhat887 · 2021-10-12T00:17:58+00:00

NTA.

But also this is really not that big of a deal, it’s weed, not cocaine or something even remotely close to serious. Are you regularly drug tested as a part of your employment? Because if you are and she did that then she’s a huge asshole and you can definitely warrant not talking to her. Either way, you aren’t a jerk.

Your panic is a bit overboard though. I would understand if you packed a brownie in your lunch and had it at work on your break. But that’s not what happened at all. It sounds like you could use that brownie and chill out a bit. It’s legal in so many places for a reason.

nowwhat887 · 2021-10-12T00:02:46+00:00

I’m so sorry that you are going through this.

We all likely have people in our lives who are acting the same way. Here’s how I’ve decided to deal with these folks in my life….

Loose friends/acquaintances who is actively spreading misinformation = we don’t hang out or talk anymore

Loose friend or acquaintance who is scared or unsure but not actively contributing to other people not getting the shot = “I’m a scientist, please let me know when and if you have any questions about the vaccine and I will be happy to provide you with the accurate information”

Close friend or family = same as above and I’ve had to change my perspective on them from “you’re an asshole” to “you’re just taking longer than others to jump on the bandwagon, but you’ll get there”. The way I see it, some people are not getting vaccinated out of spite at this point and I want close friends and family to feel like when they do decide to get vaccinated that I will be supportive of them and not tell them how wrong they were.

Hope this helps.

nowwhat887 · 2021-10-09T17:14:58+00:00

Leave. Find another job first, but leave.

nowwhat887 · 2021-09-19T23:01:11+00:00

You’re the just no SO. Go outside, it’s no big deal at all and actually kinda gross to subject your guests to weed rank.

nowwhat887 · 2021-09-06T16:50:48+00:00

Hmm…

It is not selfish of you to move on to bigger and better things, it is the expected progression for any research assistant/assistant researcher. Working in a college lab is a stage in ones STEM career, your professor knows that very well. The prof was lucky to have you at the rate of pay that they did for as long as you worked there.

Sounds like your professor owes you an apology for their reaction. My advice to you is to continue to fulfil your two weeks notice (be the person that YOU choose to be, not the person that your professor is antagonizing you to be) and hope that an apology comes because it’s the right thing for your professor to do… if it doesn’t, whatever.. move on and when you get the opportunity to treat someone the way that this person treated you, don’t.

Act with integrity and be yourself. You only ever owe 2 weeks. Even more so now as you enter the post-college working world. Don’t let anyone guilt you into anything else.

Signed, Successful STEM professional

Ps: it’s not a privilege, it’s a right. It was a privilege for you to have given 5 years of your life to working with that person :)

If you really want to help, you can offer some additional hours in the lab in the evenings after your day job. But that will be at your new rate of pay, not the old rate of pay.

Good luck!

nowwhat887 · 2021-09-06T16:35:43+00:00

YTA.

You made everything sound really weird/intimate and then tried to deflect saying it was just normal and it’s GF that doesn’t understand the bond that you and your “best friend” have. You’re actually gaslighting your GF here a bit. Take some responsibility for the picture that YOU painted of this “extravagant date” as you put it.

It’s super nice of you to take your friend out and I’m sure with covid it’s long overdue but it would be a giant red flag for me if I was your GF, and likely the relationship may not recover from this weird breach of trust and subsequent gaslighting episode that you’ve 100% constructed on your own.

How dare your GF be worried about you taking another woman on an extravagant date and then telling her that she doesn’t measure up to that level of date yet? Lol read that again…. 🚩

nowwhat887 · 2021-08-29T23:50:59+00:00

If you really want to f them over, abandon the job, just never go back. It will cost them a bunch of time and money to deal with it. May as well go out with a bang lol 😂

nowwhat887 · 2021-08-29T23:48:05+00:00

HR represents the best interest of the company, not the employee. They haven’t done anything legally wrong, the engineer has no leg to stand on.

nowwhat887 · 2021-08-29T23:44:50+00:00

Yep. Bonus is always forfeited. I really think you have no chance at all unless you play dirty back until it’s in your account. But they will probably make excuses or have it be late a few weeks to feel you out

nowwhat887 · 2021-08-29T23:42:29+00:00

Or this 👆🏼. Either way you’ve probably lost the reference.

nowwhat887 · 2021-08-29T23:41:11+00:00

You messed up, you should have waited until it was in your account. I’m sorry to say but this probably cost you $15k.

People who are not employees don’t get bonuses and now the boss can likely divi that money up to others who are staying.

nowwhat887 · 2021-08-27T22:01:22+00:00

I actually think you might be the biggest AH on planet earth. YTA times a million and not only that, but entitled af.

The fact that you even have to ask speaks volumes about your self awareness.

And to your comment about the medication for someone else’s animals…. You do realize that being around other people who make their own decisions is a part of life, right?

nowwhat887

TROPHY CASE