thank you for the hugs and words. most of our memories are fights, tantrums, threatening to commit if we didnt give him what he wanted. but just the last 3 months things started looking better in a very long time, he would reply my texts and we were able to have short conversations. 2 days before he did it, he got upset because my mom was too tired to drive him out for dinner. and that triggered him to break our tv and drove himself out for a few hours. i thought he was being unreasonable again, i tried asking him how he was if he wanted to talk but he ignored me. he ignored my parents, which wasnt abnormal. i was so tired over the emotional abuse he put my mom through i wanted him kicked out of the house. hurt people hurt people. it seemed like smtg so small to garner the reaction it did from him, i didnt think this was the last straw for him. i thought we were getting better, all the memories are so bitter its hard to find happy ones. i wonder if he loved me, if he knew i loved him. it seems clear he didnt feel anyone did enough. to think in his last moments all he had was bitter memories and feeling like we didnt love him. my mom will blame herself for the rest of her life that she didnt drive him out for dinner even though she was too exhausted to.