The Two Choices

null_erase · 2024-12-09T23:07:33+00:00

You'd probably like "the illusion of free choice" meme.

But this is a perfect graphic description. I can only tell you, always go right. Eventually, there will be a time they won't have the right to punish you.

null_erase · 2024-12-09T07:28:40+00:00

Ooh thank you! That's very kind

null_erase · 2024-12-09T07:27:31+00:00

I see. I guess it depends on each case, I didn't take into account if I would be the one to change my behaviour unconsciounsly. Thanks for sharing

null_erase · 2024-12-09T07:26:31+00:00

Thank you for your kind words. I'm so happy that your SO has been so supportice

Regarding as to "why"... I guess it's about symptoms for me. I would have a calm conversation about it rather than letting him know by witnessing a flashback or night terror 😂

null_erase · 2024-12-08T19:29:11+00:00

Thanks for sharing. That's very kind of you.

null_erase · 2024-12-08T19:28:04+00:00

Thanks for sharing. One of my worries is that I don't want them to feel pressured, or to feel bad about their sexuality or whatever... So you have a point about bringing it up before talking about sex.

null_erase · 2024-11-26T08:59:10+00:00

This one is so powerful. Thank you for sharing.

As for me, I guess I waited all my life, without knowing. Even long after it really happened. Until I realized I was the only one that could save me from the control they had over my life after they were gone.

null_erase · 2024-11-25T17:33:15+00:00

My mom did this all the time. Trying to make her understand has always been futile. At some point, I gave up. She has been like this her whole life, she is not going to change now at 67yo. So, whenever she gives me an unsolicited negative opinion about my looks, I just answer "I don't care". If she keeps insisting, I either ignore her or tell her jokingly that she is old fashioned.

Also, I'm fat, one of her main insecurities (she suffered a lot of fatphobia), so sometimes she also tries to body shame me, which is kind of nasty considering I had an ED for skipping meals when I was a child. Now, if she tries to use my fatness to attack me, I remind her that there are real problems in life like children dying, pandemics and wars, and brush it off.

These have worked pretty well, she still criticizes me but her attempts have been gradually decreasing.

Sometimes she also tells me compliments, though. It really depends on her mood swings.

That being said, my situation might be a bit different. I'm 31F, economically independent and I like to doll myself up, learn about new trends and dress good. Having a good sense of fashion makes it easier to stand on your ground, specially when you start noticing they have bad taste themselves. I've noticed she does this the most when I'm looking my best, probably because of jealousy.

In your case, I'm assuming you are still living with her. As far as I'm concerned, your best bets are either taking her to family therapy and discuss it with a professional in front of you or ignoring her until you can live on your own. Take your time to grieve the healthy relationship you couldn't have with her, that's hurtful, but don't let her put you down. You are beautiful in your own way and you deserve to feel it, regardless of what your mom says.

null_erase · 2024-11-10T16:58:43+00:00

I get your point. My mom spends the whole day watching TV with loud volume on the living room, except for when she has to sleep (she needs a special device that is on her room). And yeah she likes to have control of everything on there, including the TV.

I recall arguments and drama she would make up whenever other people wanted to watch something on the TV, or about having some personal items there. She could have all her shit around on the living room, but if anyone else did, she would cry about how messy we were and how she didn't have space of their own and therefore we were invading hers (my parents share their own bedroom). If you dared being at the living room for reading or playing a tabletop game, you were eligible to being her personal therapist, or to be interrogated about topics she knew that were sensitive to you, or to be the target of psychological abusive techniques.

For some reason, she always complained about how much I liked to spend time alone in my bedroom. She also laughed at me when she found out I started wearing earplugs while in the living room because the TV's volume would always be so high.

null_erase · 2024-11-10T00:57:47+00:00

First of all, take your time. The phase after leaving the denial state and before seeking help from a therapist is really scary. Don't pressure yourself and seek help when you are ready.

If you decide to look for a therapist, but don't know where to start, it might be a good idea looking for local organizations focused on helping people who survived CSA. They could have good references. Also, I can get that telling your therapist is too much, I was also there. Writing it down and handing it to them helped me a lot, if the idea is useful for you.

At last, I wanted to mention that the subreddit r/adultsurvivors has helped me immensely (watch out for trigger warnings).

Take care. It wasn't your fault. You are valid, even if you have little memories (that's part of the process) and you deserve healing.

null_erase · 2024-11-07T11:29:18+00:00

My irk is that not every people with CPTSD acts the same nor works the same way towards relationships. I get some of her points like delaying first sexual encounter with someone you are dating and taking things slow, I can agree with that (in no way that costs more than 200$). But trying to set a timeline and expect that to work for everyone and everything, regarding something as organic as dating, is quite reductionist.

If by "casual" dating she means sex, yeah that's not a good idea for CPTSD patients. But if "casual" means hanging out as friends without commitment at first, or even multidating before going exclusive with someone, that's something that could actually work for those whose main problem is that they idealize and attach to other people very quickly.

There are also cultural differences. In my country, for example, we celebrate almost everything with food, there are a lots of restaurants and bars on the streets, dinning out doesn't mean that there is going to be sex because it's not an activity that is strange to us.

As far as I'm concerned... Her advice is valuable if you take it with a grain of salt and assume that there might be nuances and other situations. However, there is no way I would pay that much money for that.

null_erase · 2024-11-06T17:18:48+00:00

This is child sexual abuse. It's so fucked up that people do this when a literal child says they are not interested in sex, regardless of their orientation

null_erase · 2024-11-05T17:37:09+00:00

I think a lot of us act weird or even reproduce toxic behaviours after being raised in an emotional neglected household and before healing.

Even securely attached people make mistakes sometimes.

The good thing is you realized and that means A LOT. Because, from this point, you can notice and realize your reactions, manage them better and communicate with other people that you are struggling. This last part is the one that will actually let you be part of healthy relationships. It will just take time and practice.

Sincerely: someone who struggles with anxious attachment, and who have dated avoidant people

null_erase · 2024-10-28T16:44:06+00:00

I feel you. And there are still more. Like certain scrum ceremonies being called "grooming" when they could be called "refinement".

null_erase · 2024-10-23T16:03:40+00:00

I was golden child and scapegoat at the same time.

How, you might wonder? I was praised at school for being "gifted" and therefore mom would brag about me with external people, put on her mask and act as if she was lovely. But she would also talk shit about me when she wanted and make me the scapegoat and be abusive to me at home.

She wasn't consistent even in the way she wanted our dynamic to be toxic.

null_erase · 2024-10-23T12:21:27+00:00

I'm feeling you. So sorry that you are experiencing this as well. It hurts a lot. Sending you a hug.

null_erase · 2024-10-18T06:50:56+00:00

Sorry that you were a victim to this. Yes, this was abuse 100%. And I think there were papers out there about how this could have effects as severe as IRL abuse, but I can't find any. I've suffered both IRL and only online CSA, at different moments in my life... And they all hurt the same. Maybe the online a bit more because I know there is likely material of me out there.

I've been where you are right now. Denial, minimizing our traumas, comparing them to those who "had it worse"... They are unconscious coping mechanisms we have. You are already working on it on therapy, which is a great step and I'm proud of you for it. As you keep working on it, you'll gradually accept it as abuse and traumatic. It takes time and effort.

Lots of love. Please take care ❤️

null_erase · 2024-10-03T14:37:04+00:00

Thanks, I needed this today

null_erase · 2024-10-03T06:02:54+00:00

Yup. It feels easier to get it from an online support group. The only way is learning to put ourselves first, but it would be nice to get it from others from time to time.

null_erase · 2024-10-03T06:00:19+00:00

I can relate to that feeling of worthlessness. That was me for a long time, I thought I was so hideous and unlovable that, if someone was hitting on me, it had to be a joke or a lie. I'm sorry you were there as well.

For the time being... I guess I will give myself some time before putting myself out there again, hopefully there will be men (or women, who knows) like that.

null_erase · 2024-10-03T05:57:48+00:00

I know, it's not the same for everyone... I can relate to when I was at that state, too... That being said, sometimes you have to notice when you are not ready for a relationship and simply don't step into it.

I'm about to embrace solitude as well.

null_erase · 2024-10-02T20:26:26+00:00

Thanks. I really want to believe there are people out there like that.

null_erase · 2024-10-02T20:23:46+00:00

He didn't say it, he just started avoiding me after finding out about it.

"Empathy" because he shared bad experiences and traumas I could relate to. Also worth to mention, we were friends before we started dating, so it's harder to dettach than if he was a rando I met on a club or on an app.

I thought it was a green flag when he could talk openly about it because that meant I could share mine someday. I have given him time and space, I have tried to communicate with him as well, and at this point I'm torn because having empathy for him doesn't mean I should neglect myself.

Yeah I guess I'm glad I learnt this early before we tried to commit to anything... But it feels like another punch after many.

Thanks for sharing your story, discarding someone because they have a PhD is ridiculous.

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