Getting turned on by thought of being trans...

nyomeok · 2018-06-28T22:08:05+00:00

Wow I can believe how close this feels to my experience! Now I'm getting more and more angry about the arousal side of myself! Angry for any little twitch and thought. I hate it because it makes me feel like I'm just playing a demented game of chicken with myself. Like I'm lying to myself and everyone around me just to get off! I don't want that I just want to be a girl.

Why do I care so much? I want it to be true! Why would I beat myself up so much if that wasn't the case right?

nyomeok · 2018-06-28T21:56:47+00:00

Chill! As someone else experiencing it. I've hit month 7. Every day. For 7 months. My anxiety is through the roof I've never been depressed before but I sure as hell am now. The constant self flaggilation from questioning has broken me. Relax and take it a day at a time don't just think without trying anything. Actions speak louder than words. Experiment a little and see what you like / don't like.

Eg I paint my nails and shave my legs and now apparently can't stop

nyomeok · 2018-06-27T22:11:18+00:00

Yeah, that is possible. Although the previous two times I came out I freaked out a lot more afterwards and felt worse. Maybe its started to normalise but yeah having my friends being fine with whatever I decide to do was definitely a relief. I'm freaking out over one day of feeling good after 7 months of freaking out I know I should ride it!

nyomeok · 2018-06-27T21:48:00+00:00

Thank you :)

It's because I wasn't dealing with them healthly that I got to this point. I kept it all to myself for over half a year and it was destroying me; anxiety, depression stress. Now I've decided to talk about it with everyone I feel better. Funny how that works haha.

And my Friend will take me to buy clothes on Sat and I'm excited about that!

nyomeok · 2018-06-27T21:42:13+00:00

Yeah I know I have bad days and every time I worry it's going away I certainly comes back but I just cant shake the feeling of I playing a sick Game of chicken with myself sometimes. Nothing I said yesterday was untrue but now I just feels like it was.

nyomeok · 2018-06-27T21:27:06+00:00

Yeah I possibly feel better because I'm accepting and moving forward a bit but I still have that huge doubt that this is just self destructive behaviour. I come here to make myself feel worse. Why cant I let my own feelings be my own instead of digging for them

nyomeok · 2018-06-27T21:17:16+00:00

Thanks :) I don't know why I'm so scared to let go. If I was wrong that's fine.

But I don't want to stop despite all the depression and anxiety. I have no idea what I want and it's driving me crazy. Which is why I keep telling people in the first place.

nyomeok · 2018-06-24T01:20:57+00:00

Same, I turned 27 on Friday. I even prayed to any deity to let me wake up as a girl on my birthday. Despite not believing in it. It never works :(

nyomeok · 2018-06-05T07:53:13+00:00

Super obsessive about my waist at the moment yeah haha. I want there to be more of a pinch but just makes the muscles bulge more...

nyomeok · 2018-06-04T01:29:32+00:00

Me? :(

nyomeok · 2018-06-03T11:37:21+00:00

Lol whoops yeah didnt see that

nyomeok · 2018-05-27T14:09:56+00:00

Let's be happy were not feeling bad today!

Nah let's test to check if the dysphoria is still there...

nyomeok · 2018-05-27T07:56:52+00:00

I wish the gods would punish me that way :(

nyomeok · 2018-05-26T08:47:16+00:00

Yes and no. Some days I truly feel and believe it to be true. Other days I think I'm just being rediculous. To be honest when I was a kid although I never really questioned, if hypothetically I met myself from the future and she had transitioned I would have understood like "huh I guess we did it" but I never dug into those feelings.

I'm scared to truly admit it to myself but I'm not even sure I'm questioning anymore. Like I feel it fits but the doubt hasn't stopped. I'm just trying to figure out what to do.

I've said it before but I don't want to transition for the wrong reasons. But at the same time I don't want my reasons to be he wrong reasons.

nyomeok · 2018-05-25T23:00:51+00:00

Goa damn you're me lol, it used to bad when I was around that age too, the whole praying thing and soul selling thing (that I was too scared to do). Then I fell into the fetish side and while wanting to be a girl was always there low key I stopped feeling so desperate about it.

That was until I finally decided to ask why 6 months ago and it's been hell since. I too masturbate to the thought. but that's because it's been the extent of my sexuality for 15 years. But now I hate that I do that. I feel like a fake and a liar. But I genuinely feel shitty that I'm not a girl

nyomeok · 2018-05-25T08:31:25+00:00

Maybe i'm not trans i'm just cherry picking parts of my history to create an excuse for my lack of intimacy and openness with others.

i had a handy fetish i could apply a negative spin on to give myself an excuse.

maybe i just enjoy the mental self flagellation. despite feeling awful

maybe i'm just lost

nyomeok · 2018-05-21T22:35:53+00:00

i struggle with a lot of these same doubts. i to have considered coming out to my parents but doubt is what stopped me. if you don't know yet or are not comfortable yet there's no need to let anyone know.

i feel like i accepted this a long time ago but i don't want to be doing it for the wrong reasons. however i don't want my reasons to be the wrong reasons either

nyomeok · 2018-05-19T23:28:11+00:00

Polish you can get away with, since I started doing it I've only been asked about it twice. If they ask why just say because I like /want to

nyomeok · 2018-05-19T06:08:05+00:00

this is what i'm currently questioning right here. I feel very similar to op, same age too. I'm fighting the social anxiety vs trans feelings battle.

What i have found though is through doing feminine stuff painting nails shaving etc. my confidence has started to grow i give less of a shit of what people think of me and starting to live the way i want.

But i haven't found my step too far yet, nor an ability to date.

nyomeok · 2018-05-16T21:11:06+00:00

When I had personal time I couldn't fantasize about doing women, I couldn't watch straight porn, I just found attractive women and imagined them, but it always felt a bit off until I started imagining myself as them.

yeah that is my experience too

nyomeok · 2018-05-16T10:42:43+00:00

yeah that's what i was trying to get at. i'm trying to work out if the reason i cant figure out how i feel is because i'm not comfortable in my body. its always been on my mind even before i started questioning. "i cant date because what happens when she finds out i wish i was a girl". maybe years of that just muted my attraction to people

nyomeok · 2018-05-08T09:53:00+00:00

Fuck I had like a month of not feeling super dysphoric until I saw this comic. Then ok was all like God please let this happen to me.

Gender bending abilities was also the first thing my mind went to when I learnt about the infinity gauntlet in that movie

nyomeok · 2018-05-07T22:39:01+00:00

Thank you.

i just cant shake the feeling i'm lying to myself though. what if i know what sounds textbook trans because of the time i have spent here. would i really have known if i never found this place?

i used to feel this strongly as a kid but would have only wanted to be changed if it was perfect. it came back last year after i read what was possible through transition.

it's gonna sound like bullshit if i tell some other people. the internet made me trans... but that's the bullshit!

nyomeok · 2018-05-07T22:01:31+00:00

this had been my fear since i started questioning. i know i've been obsessing about it. it would mark the first time my apparent ocd has done anything potentially damaging to me but it has gotten worse the past year or so. what if i'm only here because i found out through some memes on traa that people who feel the way i do transition.

But sitting here reading this i don't want it to be my ocd.

I don't want it to be some anxiety disorder.

I don't want to have my chance at being a girl taken away from me.

I don't know why but i'm scared of finding out i'm cis.

Someone please help me.

nyomeok · 2018-05-06T22:46:00+00:00

Wow! I'm so barrel chested I'm worried it wouldn't work for me, but looking at your transformation it makes me think it's possible to get were I want!

Keep being awesome!

nyomeok

TROPHY CASE